• Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler went to Soho House on a date on Tuesday night. Then again, the duo had to be "chaperoned" by friends including Simpson's BFF/hair stylist Ken Paves, which hardly sounds very romantic, does it? [P6]
• It may be over for the most famous lesbian couple in America, Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter. Rosie acknowledges the two are having "issues" and says they're trying to work things out. But Carpenter may have already moved out of the home they share in Nyack, which probably isn't a good sign. [People]
• Jill Zarin has no manners. When the "Real Housewife" appeared at the opening of "Memphis" on Broadway the other night, she arrived 30 minutes late and with an entourage in tow and disrupted audience members when they moved into their seats. Then she blabbed for 15 minutes during the show. [P6]

Celebrity chef Todd English didn't show up for his wedding to Erica Wang earlier this month, but he was there for the fake wedding he threw on a boat in Croatia in August. We have the real fake wedding pictures!

Everyone is freaking out because Lohan and Versace look exactly the same. Also, Nicole Ritchie's baby appears, Kate is plus eight nightmares, and Hulk Hogan's suicide. Welcome to Wednesday's gossip gems!

They call dogs man's best friend because all the gay guys love them. At least that's what this married celeb has found. Other things stars love: drugs, cheating, and getting women pregnant. Really, they're all dogs.

• Yesterday, Broadway actress Pia Glenn slammed Salman Rushdie, saying her ex-boyfriend was "dysfunctional" and was still obsessed with his ex-wife, Padma Lakshmi. Today, it's Rushdie's turn to hit back. Not has he "long ago turned the page and moved on" from Lakshmi, he says, he would also like you to know that Glenn is "a large, radioactive bucket of stress," "an accomplished liar," and also happens to be "broke and unemployed." So we're guessing a reconciliation is totally out of the question here? [P6]
• Expect to see an angry video by Tricia Walsh-Smith posted to YouTube any minute now. A state appeals court rejected the rage-filled divorcée's motion to undo her pre-nup to theater mogul Philip Smith yesterday. [P6]
• A California teenager has been charged with burglarizing Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge's homes and making off with $170,000. [People, NYDN]
• Is Ali Wise's PR career over now that four women have accused her of voicemail hacking? That's what the Post suggests today, with a source telling the paper that "Wise is now radioactive in the industry." Then again, if there's anything we can learn from Lizzie Grubman's not-so-pretty past, it's that people who work in PR tend to be a very forgiving bunch. [NYP]

According to Page Six, Salman Rushdie's ex-girlfriend says he's "cowardly, dysfunctional, and immature" and won't stop talking about Padma Lakshmi, the one that got away.

Co-workers fight over money, status, and who took the last cup of coffee, they don't usually fight over girls. Well, these co-stars aren't your ordinary coworkers. Also punching the clock, a devious actor and a smitten singer. Get to work!

• Lindsay Lohan is having another bad week. At the Whitney Museum of Art Gala last night, the "jelly-legged actress" had to hold on to a fence for "dear life" as she "stumbled out of the glitzy bash." But Mischa Barton was looking surprisingly put together, so that's good news, right? [Daily Mail, Sun]
• It's been a few years since Salman Rushdie and Padma Lakshmi split up, but the author is still obsessed with his ex-wife and talks about her "day and night," says Rushdie's most recent girlfriend, Broadway actress Pia Glenn. She also says Rushdie broke things off with her via email and may have been just using her for sex. [P6]
• Ali Wise, the socialite/ex-Dolce & Gabbana publicist who appeared in court yesterday on charges she hacked into a rival's phone, won't have to mount her defense until January. But there are four women now claiming Wise broke into their voicemail accounts now, not just one. [NYDN]

Fat bottomed girl may make the rocking world go round, but they are not the queens of the TV set. Neither are cheating husbands, coked up stars, or bitchy socialites. So, who is in charge around here?

• One of Madonna's neighbors has filed a lawsuit against their building's co-op board for not doing anything about the "pounding noise and vibration" emanating from Madge's triplex, which the neighbor says has been doubling as a "dance rehearsal studio." The good news is Madonna is moving in the near future, so the angry tenant should soon be able to go back to complaining about her other neighbor who just plays the radio too loud. [NYDN, AP]
• Lindsay Lohan avoided jail time but had her probation extended by a year last week when a judge ruled that she hadn't completed an alcohol treatment program. Then she went out to a party in the Meatpacking district this weekend and actually stayed sober. What a delightful surprise! [P6]
• Bethenny Frankel is engaged to her boyfriend of 11 months, Jason Hoppy. "She is very much a handful," Hoppy said, "She needs a man that can handle her, and that I can." More power to you, sir. [People]

Remember when there was the illusion that celebs were glamorous? Now we hear about their money woes, car troubles and career setbacks. Celebrities: they're hobos, just like us. What we wouldn't give for a good affair! Oh, never mind.

• Lindsay Lohan could use a little good news today, especially since she's still dealing with the aftermath of her disastrous outing at Paris Fashion Week. Today is not going to be that day, unfortunately. Lohan is set to appear in court in LA a little later to answer questions about whether or not she's violated the terms of the probation she was given after she was busted for DUI a couple of years ago. Let's hope her powers of persuasion are in full effect. The judge could potentially sentence her to jail time, which would not only suck for LiLo, but would also leave Emmanuel Ungaro directionless, clearly. [TMZ, E!]
• Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back together? Is she simply powerless to resist his advances? And have they spent the last few weeks meeting up for secret, romantic escapades around town? For the sake of Aniston's long-term mental health, let's hope none of those things are true. [Us, People]
• Go set your DVR. Tyra Banks plans to air the "first-ever televised colonic" on her show today. Just don't watch it while you're eating. [Dlisted, Tyra Show]

It must be hard work to stand out as a jerk in ego-driven L.A., but this guy is tops. Also up there is an actor who kicked out the wife and kids, and one who picks out his wife's outfits.

• Madonna reveals all sorts of juicy, personal stuff in an interview in the November issue of Rolling Stone. Like how she really wanted to work with Eminem, but he turned her down (ouch); how her graffiti tag name back in the '80s was "Boy Toy" (how ironic!); and how she was a total geek in high school, just like every other celeb in the universe. [P6, NYDN]
• Penelope Cruz is making a cameo in the Sex & the City sequel. Get ready to suspend belief: She'll be playing the role of a banker. [People]
• Emanuel Ungaro "creative consultant" Lindsay Lohan is blaming the epic disaster that was her recent fashion show in Paris on "coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection." She also says she's still "learning" and that the negative press isn't going to stop her from returning to Paris in a few months to give it another shot. You go, girl! [People]
• Because he's a romantic at heart, Alex Rodriguez flew to Miami for a single night to take Kate Hudson to dinner. Oh, yea, and to see his kids, too. [P6]

People magazine's "inside story" about Padma Lakshmi's pregnancy doesn't address the big question, namely who it is who impregnated the Top Chef hostess and ex-wife of author Salman Rushdie. (The fact that she got pregnant even though she suffers from endometriosis isn't all that uncommon, as the doctors quoted in the article point out.) In fact, People doesn't even speculate as to who the dad is, except to say that it is not her cousin. (Gee, thanks, People!) Nor does it make any mention of the man she's been dating the past year or two—and who we strongly suspect is Padma's baby daddy—elderly billionaire Teddy Forstmann. Which is especially weird considering even Forbes is comfortable mentioning their relationship (and Forbes isn't usually in the habit of being more gossipy than People.) But then the magazine gets even more ridiculous and examines how Padma is going to survive as a single mom. Raising kids isn't cheap, you know!

Behold the power of three: two married stars are constantly inviting "guest stars" over, another couple broke up because of a third, and a knocked-up actress is in a triangle with two fathers. On the count of three...

• After another wild day in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook settled their latest round of legal issues yesterday. But not before Brinkley called her ex an "extreme narcissist," and Cook returned the favor by telling reporters she was an "angry, bitter, vindictive woman." At least it's nice to know they still have feelings for each other, though! [NYP, NYDN]
• As easy as it is to picture Courtney Love sitting in front of her computer punching numbers into an Excel spreadsheet, it turns out she may not be the best financial planner in the world. Love owes $300K in back taxes, according to the government. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan says he knows who Lindsay's drug dealer is and he plans to reveal all in an effort to "save" his daughter. So who is he? "He has no job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA." Call us crazy, but supplying "everyone" in LA sounds like a pretty good job to us. [Radar, NYDN]
• Get ready to see a lot more of Megan Fox dressed in, well, not much: Giorgio Armani has tapped her to star in his new underwear ad campaign. [WWD]

Heidi Klum had a baby girl on Friday night. Congrats! Well, some gossip outlets shouldn't be busting open the champagne, because while she was having the kid, they were fighting about whether or not she had it already.

The things we keep in the closet—a drinking problem, an eating disorder, or a whole selection of fishnets and ladies shoes—will always come out eventually. Our guy just hopes his hose don't run before his wedding day!

• Heidi Klum and Seal have a new addition to the family: Lou Sulola, who was born on Friday night and joins siblings Johan, Henry, and Leni. [People]
• Tyra Banks ought to be in a good mood today. Not only has she dropped four dress sizes recently, she's been named the "top-earning primetime TV star" by Forbes thanks to the $30 million she's collected over the past year. [Daily Mail, MSNBC]
• The latest legal tiff between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook is over: The couple has settled their dispute, which means neither of them will be heading off to jail. [People]
• Was Penelope Cruz sporting a giant sapphire and diamond ring the other night because she really is engaged to Javier Bardem? And did she wear a bulky sweater over her dress because she's pregnant? So many questions, so few answers. Sigh. [P6, NYDN]