The Ronson family, comprised of DJ/Lindsay Lohan dater Samantha, DJ/producer Mark, fashion designer Charlotte, and a wacky socialite Mom and rock-star stepdad, is "not like the Kennedys," in the words of son Mark. And he's right! They're fairly bizarre, and they're everywhere. Samantha's already converted Lindsay Lohan to kissing girls, and Mark is going around telling stories of sleeping over at Michael Jackson's house when he was a child. After the jump, a brief guide to the family that would let their kid sleep over at Michael Jackson's.

Celebrities: they're in ads! That's because celebrities tend to sell stuff to people, according to the New York Times, which broke this story wide open with an epic piece in yesterday's paper. There are three clear points that you, the educated consumer, must understand: Companies are run by starry-eyed celebrity hound white guys who will pay any price to hang out with a cool rapper or have their umbrella endorsed by Rihanna; many celebrities are themselves sheep, convinced that their endorsement deal is a meaningful attempt by a corporation to plumb the depths of their soul (it's really not! surprisingly); and finally, all of this is the fault of dirty gossip websites just like this one!

Some of the lovely paparazzi from TMZ and X17 were on the beach in Malibu Saturday, trying to get shots of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey, when a group of civic-minded surf dudes took a break from the tasty waves to kick some ass. "The 29-year-old photojournalist told sheriff's deputies that a large group of surfers near Paradise Cove in Malibu approached him and other paparazzi about 2 p.m. and demanded they stop taking pictures and filming. 'They formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said he [McConaughey] didn't want him to film,' said Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore. 'They got into an argument, and he indicated that he received injuries. . . . [They] took the video camera and threw it in the water.'" Awesome surfer quotes and video link after the jump.

Here is an urgent letter and warning that just came through on our tips line. Sic throughout, natch. "Hello dear ladies and gentlemen!I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not damn sexy), most important-CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you guys more, that clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning!"

Former supermodel Christie Brinkley-and her lawyer-want you, me, and everyone else to know what a prick her ex, teen-screwing architect Peter Cook, really is. "The couple, who are due in court to hammer out custody issues on July 2, went to New York's supreme court on Thursday in an attempt to settle an escalating argument over whether their case be held in private. Interestingly Brinkley, 54, is fighting to have the proceedings open to the media-a tactic, sources say, designed to embarrass the 49-year-old architect who two years ago was discovered having an affair with his 18-year-old assistant. 'Only the full and unfiltered truth may restore to Christie and her family their reputation,' her lawyer, Robert Cohen said last week, adding: 'Frankly, his long affair with a teenaged girl is only the tip of the iceberg.'"

He beat cancer and won that phony Tour de France thing seven times, but Lance Armstrong's insatiable appetite for blondes of every shade from dirty to platinum is totally overshadowing all of his causes. "BOTH Lances were in town last week.The first, Lance Armstrong the bicycle champion and anticancer campaigner, was making television appearances to promote a new Web venture, livestrong.com, devoted to healthy living [...] But there was also plenty of publicity unauthorized by Mr. Armstrong, including three days of coverage in The New York Post, a string of articles on Us Magazine's Web site and an article in Life & Style entitled 'How Lance Stole Kate From Owen,' all chronicling Mr. Armstrong's relationship with the actress and tabloid darling Kate Hudson. This is the second Lance, the one people.com called a 'notorious Texas playboy.'"

Bloomberg staffers in London received a company email recently advising them how to handle the newfound responsibility of caring for the plastic water bottles each employee had been issued. "'These bottles are yours to look after and as stated in the original message, you will only get one,' it says. To ensure 'your bottle does not go walkies and [you] are drinking out of your own one and no one elses [sic]' it might be an idea to mark them with your name. 'There are permanent markers in the stationery cupboards you can use.'" Well then. Quite an embarrassing place to work. [Times UK]

Socialgay PR flack Kristian Laliberte (rhymes with oh-kay) is surprisingly bad at managing his own public relations. His identity has already been stolen over the Internet and he thinks Page Six magazine's Joshua Stein is writing an article about him! (He isn't, though.) How to spin the situation in his favor? Write a long, rambling email, with allegations ranging from dubious to untrue. Among the most important rumors he'd like to debunk? "Suggestions of me air kissing those who hate me are so off base it's laughable. I'm a germophobic and notoriously shy." Also, "I know for a fact that the people behind this sinister prank will be revealed in as little as two weeks time."

So the Post has posted the Page Six item Keith Olbermann was so worked up about yesterday, and it does indeed say Hardball host Chris Matthews "seemed" to be talking about a strategy for landing Tim Russert's job at a memorial event for the NBC personality, and that Olbermann is threatening to quit if he doesn't get Russert's Meet The Press job. (On Countdown, Olbermann denied issuing an ultimatum for Meet The Press and said Matthews shut down talk of him replacing Russert when an acquaintance brought it up.) But the gossip item also quotes a source, ostensibly from the traditional broadcast side of NBC News, who claims that Russert himself wanted NBC News political director Chuck Todd as his own replacement, and that the network will never install someone from MSNBC on the show:

Keith Olbermann's feud with Rupert Murdoch and his News Corp. media properties reached a bitter new milestone today when the MSNBC Countdown host smacked Murdoch's Post for a forthcoming gossip item that will, he said, allege that fellow MSNBC-er Chris Matthews was jockeying to succeed Tim Russert as host of Meet The Press at a memorial event for Russert yesterday. The item will also reportedly say that Olbermann has threatened to quit if he doesn't get Russert's job himself. Olbermann leapt to sometime-rival Matthews' defense, saying the Hardball host was asked by an acquaintance at the event about succession and immediately shut the conversation down. As for himself, Olbermann denied he had demanded to replace Russert and said he was, in any case, unqualified (though any savvy and honest successor would attach that caveat). The Page Six reporter working on the item, Paula Froelich, was awarded Countdown's "Worst Person In The World" title for the night, which will teach her a very important lesson: Do not call TV people for comment until after their shows have aired. Clip after the jump.

Just last week we asked when button-cute actress Anne Hathaway would break up with her troublesome, scandal-plagued boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri. She's reportedly "devastated," about it but hey, about time. He was a pretty sleazy character. After the jump, a field guide to the dumped Italian playboy:

The Devil Wears Prada star has split up from the sleazy financier she's been dating, according to the UK's Daily Mail. (We called it a week ago.)

Twisted animal-hating liar Paris Hilton has finally been stopped! OK, well, not entirely. A battle has been won, even as Hilton's war against pets rages on. The heiress is known to often abandon one or more of her two-dozen-ish pets, sometimes in a closet, to die, starving. And there are still idiots out there letting her adopt animals. But not everyone is an idiot! Hilton, you see, was recently on her way to a photo shoop and reportedly decided to pick up a Yorkie like it was a fucking latte. She "wanted a puppy in the picture so it would look cuter," a tipster told Page Six. And the valiant staff at the Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles decided to stop Hilton from purchasing the animal because it seemed like an "impulse buy." The socialite lost her shit, but the store held its ground. Excellent, this is a great way to start a Tuesday. But LA animal services needs to step up its sad "investigation." [Post] (Photo via X17)

Yesterday, Daily News columnists Rush & Molloy speculated that maybe, just maybe, the novel from the wife of comedian Denis Leary (above, right) is autobiographical, since it's about a wife whose famous husband is good friends with a hot Australian movie star, sort of like how Leary is friends with hot English actress Elizabeth Hurley (above, left). In the novel, the actor's wife is upset by his "schoolboy crush" on the friend. We wrote that Ann Leary had "sadly channeled her frustrations into a thinly-veiled 'novel.'" But she replies that Gawker is "crazy," and told Choire Sicha of the LA Times that we're just clawing for cheap attention. Well, that last part is true. But at least we can admit it!

The stress of playing one of the most legendary characters ever in one of the most hotly anticipated sequels ever didn't contribute to Heath Ledger's death in January, says the Dark Knight star. "Christian Bale has called rumours that Heath Ledger's role as The Joker contributed to his death 'ridiculous.' Ledger, who died from an accidental overdose of prescription drugs in January, was urged to seek help by crew on The Dark Knight after he reportedly became too involved in his character."

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann often tears right wingers a new one. And the New York Post hates that. And now it turns out that Olbermann has a ladies' disease! So the fun begins! "THE perplexing mystery of why Keith Olbermann acts like a twitchy, hopped-up geek on his MSNBC show has been solved. The New Yorker's Peter J. Boyer reports the TV loudmouth 'has been given a diagnosis of Wittmaack-Ekbom's syndrome, also known as 'restless legs syndrome' (and also 'the kicks,' 'Jimmy legs' and 'the jitters'), a neurological disorder that produces a prickling, itching or crawling feeling in the legs.' Known as a women's ailment because it strikes twice as many women as men, the syndrome has stirred controversy among doctors who don't agree whether it's even real or instead caused by various physical and/or emotional factors." After the jump, Olbermann is clumsy and big-headed.

Star editor-at-large Julia Allison needs your help. Her pal, heiress Meghan Asha, absentmindedly left Julia's external hard drive on the subway on Friday, perhaps lost forever in the dank bowels of NYC. Upon said hard drive was "every video I've ever taken (as well as every photo before 2006) … and no back up. None. Everything gone … literally hundreds of videos and photos, every family event, every birthday, every lip dub I never posted, every sex tape (kidding) … gone. I was in shock the entire day - I've always been the scrapbook-kind-of-girl, and memories (if you haven't noticed) are incredibly important to me." What can you do?

Hip hop mogul Russell Simmons reportedly had a suitcase full of his jewelry stolen from a downtown apartment yesterday. Considering the fact that the case contained "three diamond rings, a pendant, three sets of earrings and two bracelets," from Simmons' own jewelry company, the reported total value—$15,000—is pretty meager. That's partly because Simmons is involved a much-derided effort to improve the reputation of the diamond industry, which somehow trickles down to his own company in the form of cheap jewelry that gives a cut of its (relatively small) profits to charity. Which is better: Charitable, uglier, cheaper jewelry, or much shinier jewelry that embraces nothing but out-and-out materialism? These questions are important to moguls. To help you decide, there's a collection after the jump; Simmons' company's jewelry versus some pieces from Jacob the Jeweler—hip hop's gaudiest diamond guy. Each is terrible in its own way:

Mario Lopez, right, was a big star on TV's Saved By The Bell and doesn't like sharing the stage with his younger Chorus Line co-star Nick Adams, left. And what Lopez especially doesn't like is when Adams' biceps take the attention away from his bicepts. So Lopez refused to wear a long-sleeved sweater, as called for in the script, preferring instead a tight t-shirt to show off his "guns." And he had Adams outfitted with a baggy hoodie and relegated to the back in the opening dance routine. But now Lopez is finally getting his comeuppance, just as any decent dramatic plotline would dictate. It seems a men's underwear company, once smitten with Lopez, has switched its attention to Nick. Writes Page Six:

The Los Angeles Times interviewed internet gossip belcher Perez Hilton for the "How I Made It" feature in its business section. The newspaper does its best to puff Hilton up, saying he charges "up to" $54,000 for a one-day ad package and noting he once wrote for Star magazine — without mentioning that Hilton was fired from that same job, per the LA Times' own reporting. The not-so-subtle message to readers: If this guy in bunny slippers can make $50k per day off his crayon-illustrated website, why is the recession kicking your ass? That's OK, since Hilton takes himself down a peg, by talking about his sex life: