Can we be sincere for a moment? Good, because we really fucking love you guys. Honestly, you are the most loyal, tough little cookies out there, and — oh, God, now we're getting choked up — in times of need, you never let us down. If we had any worldly possessions, we totally swear we'd give them to you, just to show our appreciation of your very existence.
We always knew that one day it would come in handy to have a slutty sister obsessed with TV news. That day has arrived.
It's funny — usually, when we play the blind item guessing game, we're flooded with responses. Never less than 50 emails, we'd say. But yesterday, we posted two delightful teasers and, well, got nothing in return. That's right: We just give and give and give, but yesterday you were selfish. Or you were lazy. Or maybe you were distracted with "work" (as if there were such a thing this time of the year). Whatever your excuse, we didn't feel that we had the wisdom of the masses behind us and thus didn't run answers.
But we saw this exact same Barbara not ten minutes later, vomiting outside of Lolita.
Closeted homolove, celebrity bastard seed — we'd like to think ourselves experts in these genres. Alas, Ben Widdicombe's Gatecrasher column has left us more stumped than your daddy's peg leg:
It's not strange to see Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connolly at Chelsea megaplex Marquee at 3 AM. It is, however, rather strange to see them partying at said hour with Nicky's parents. Seriously: What were Kathy and Rick Hilton doing at Marquee at 3 AM on a recent school night? (Not that they'd be any less out of place on a weekend.) Does this strike anyone else as strange? The Hiltons are hardly parental types, but the thought of Kathy dancing on a banquette at such a late hour still gives us chills. Call us conservative, but we like our parents asleep by 10 PM, passed out on the couch in front of the History Channel, right where they belong.
• Is a spoof wedding between Britney Spears and a British TV host actually legitimate? And could she just spit that baby out already so we can focus on the important Federletus issues? [Scoop]
• Rumor has it that porcine director Michael Moore is at a very fancy fat farm. We're not sure his crusading will have the same effect without the usual galumphing. [Page Six]
• Bijou Phillips fails to show for her cover shoot for Social Life magazine. If you ask where she was or comment on her irresponsibility, she'll cut you. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Page Six cites Moviefone mogul Henry Jarecki, which probably pisses off actual Moviefone mogul Andrew Jarecki. [Page Six]
• Daily News gossipista Lloyd Grove makes his triumphant return from "vacation" with more reports on Hillary Clinton's potential presidential run, Walter Kirn's blog, and, most importantly, the eating habits of Gwyneth Paltrow's young Apple spawn. [Lowdown]
• The West 71st Street neighbors of the Today show's Ann Curry are complaining that careless construction and renovations to her townhouse are endangering and inconveniencing the entire block. Good to know that Curry's just as annoying off-camera, too. [Page Six]
• Gwen Stefani refuses to attend MTV's Video Music Awards in Miami, reportedly because the network didn't ask her to perform. Now we'll never get to see Gwen wear her special drum-majorette-styled, japanese jock-strapped lederhosen. [R&M]
• Are Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake having trouble in paradise? And are they too beautiful, yet tragically stupid, to work it out? [Scoop]
• Despite yesterday's reports to the contrary, Sylvester Stallone insists that his AMI magazine Sly is not on its deathbed. In fact, says Stallone, Gwen Stefani wants to do the next cover (now that she's not too busy with MTV), and he's nothing like Rosie O'Donnell, and the sales are just fine, and he's not being defensive, okay?! [Page Six]
• Thanks to everyone who's alerted us to the unsolicited photos of a naked Jude Law. Like Page Six, Sienna Miller, Sadie Frost, Daisy Wright, and God knows who else, we are unimpressed. But we still like to look. [Page Six]
• Judging from the $10,000 dollars Britney Spears spent on boyish baby clothes, it's safe to say that the Federletus has developed into a boy. Who will be born wearing a wifebeater, we assume. [Scoop]
• Perhaps Baby Federletus can have a playdate with the spawn of Bennifer Deuce (Affleck and Garner), who are having a girl. [R&M (4th item)]
• Matt Lauer has reportedly vacated his Trump Park Avenue refuge and returned to the condo he shared with his wife Annette. Of course, we have no idea if his wife is still actually there, but it's a step toward reconciliation. [Page Six]
• Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg says that since falling from her horse and breaking three ribs and her collarbone, Madge likely "won't be hanging from a disco ball anytime soon." Oh, the tragedy of it all... [NYDN]
• Mariah Carey considers suing Eminem for defamation of character after the rapper plays voice messages allegedly from Carey during his concert. As if one man alone could be responsible for that woman's character issues. [Page Six]
• Former Libertine Pete Doherty was busted, again, on Friday for possession of crack cocaine and heroin. His on-and-off again fiancée Kate Moss is being urged by friends, again, to leave the addict. We see this ending rather badly, again. [R&M]
• Because the sun simply doesn't shine without a negative report on Martha Stewart, the indentured servants at her Bedford estate are complaining about low morale. Perhaps it's because they know that in a matter of months, they'll be replaced by Stewart's genetically engineered slavebots. [Page Six]
• At Pamela Anderson's recent Comedy Central roast, the jokes still seemed to steer towards Tom Cruise — probably because Scientology jokes are still a few days away from being as tired as bimbo jokes. [Scoop]
We're such fucking humanitarians.
• Upon hearing that Paris Hilton's latest cinematic venture was slated to flop on the same day as that of Nicole Richie, Team Nicole pushes up the release of Kids in America to October 21. That's what It's an exciting race to see who can shamelessly promote themselves first! [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson fans rip her clothes off while she innocently tries to shop. Apparently, the starlet didn't enjoy this, and her lack of enthusiasm sends father Joe into a violent, Jesus-fuelled rage. [R&M (2nd item)]
• After Cannabis Culture editor Marc Emery was arrested in Vancouver for selling millions of dollars' worth of the good stuff, maybe High Times might want to reduce the number of seed-selling ads in their pages. [Lowdown]
• Fridays are for Friedman, and Roger is all atwitter for the release of Stevie Wonder's latest album. Pray for a Grammy, Rog. Just pray. [Fox411]
It's good to know that we're not alone in our love of classic Donatella Versace rumors. Now that the designer has presumably cleaned up and de-cocained herself, she's so boring. From a reader comes yet another completely unconfirmed but totally plausible piece of nostalgia:
Big news from the world of ambivalent celebrities: Actors Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams — often spotted out and about in Brooklyn being alternately "cute" or "greasy" — are reportedly engaged. At the LA premiere of The Brothers Grimm, the two made their first official appearance since Williams had grown visibly with-spawn; Williams was also seen sporting a large diamond ring on her engagement finger. (Does this mean we'll stop hearing about Ledger cavorting about town with cute women who aren't Michelle? Oh, we hope so.)
• We hear that Steve-O of Jackass fame was spotted claiming that he was "as niggery as fuck" to the black bouncer outside of LES bar Max Fish. Just in case you were wondering.
• Congrats to our baby brother, who finally got his first legal threat from Tom Cruise's lawyer. [Defamer]
• One of the Jonathan Brooklyn writers has a new website, complete with new essays. Just in case, you know, you're looking for something to do. [JL via Beatrice]
• We know you'd never limit your judging abilities to the denizens of NYC media. Share your talent and vote for the hottest brokers. Yep, August is really that slow. [Curbed]
• Courtney Love is off some sort of wagon. [CityRag]
• The LES Starbucks debate continues to putter along. Considering this furor seems to have found its home in the blogosphere, we're inclined to note that the people bitching (ourselves included) are kinda the reason there's a 'bucks on the way. [Eat Drink One Woman]
• Kimora Lee Simmons, the A&E Intervention! [WNBC]
• Sincere props to Radar for this gem: During Donatella Versace's naughtier days, "she stumbled into a glass table in Vogue editor Anna Wintour's office, sending shards flying." But really, who hasn't? [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• A teacher at an East Hampton school has been cleared of child pornography charges but is nevertheless fired. Community members are still angry about the silence surrounding the investigation. WASPs refusing to talk about dirty secrets? Shocking. [Page Six]
• In an effort to prove that she can say more than, "You're still in the running to become America's next Top Model," Tyra Banks has started taping for her new talk show. Confessions of a Video Vixen author Karrine Steffans, however, said that her interview on the show was so bad that she wanted to rip off Tyra's wig. Oh no she didn't! [R&M (2nd item)]
• And because the sun simply won't shine unless someone's ragging on Martha Stewart, her Bedford neighbors are now bitching that the housebound diva is taping TV footage in her home. Still no complaints of Stewart of using her estate as an Al Qaeda training camp, however. [Cindy Adams]
• You know what? It's TOTALLY alright that Ashlee Simpson got busted for lip-synching on Saturday Night Live, because now she's singing about it on her new album. Her father Joe says she's baring her soul and, if you don't go buy the CD, he's going to gnaw on your face while Ashlee watches. [Page Six]
• Take a moment and close your eyes; imagine a simpler time, when Tom Cruise was still freaked out by Scientology. [R&M]
• Da Silvano namesake Silvano Marchetto directs his ire towards Robert DeNiro after the actor had his food sent back to the kitchen. Da Silvano not kissing celebrity ass? Has the earth shifted on its axis? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Authorities still can't figure out who's guilty of shooting a photographer with a bb gun after he was found lurking outside of Britney Spears' house. Our theory: K-Fed was at the book depository, but a second gunman was also working from beyond the grassy knoll. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson claims that her breasts are her "accessory." No, sweetie: You're their accessory. [Scoop]
• Bungalow 8 and Bette restaurant owner Amy Sacco continues her quest for total domination: Sarah Jessica Parker's Prettymatches Productions (how cute) has signed a deal with HBO to produce a tv series based on Sacco's "story." [Page Six]
• Behold the power of Madonna, who's scored a major "get" by luring David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham into Kabbalah's shiny clutches. [Scoop]
• More thoughts on Bonnie Fuller, Abortionist: It's increasingly clear that Demi Moore was never pregnant and, as such, AMI publications were forced to cover their tracks and report a miscarriage. Classy! [Gatecrasher]
• Paris Hilton, it seems, has an imposter. Why anyone would want to masquerade as a mentally deficient harlot is beyond us. [R&M]
• Rick Hilton calls his wife Kathy "Mommy." Didn't need to know that, didja? [Page Six]
