Though I enjoy a good slice of American Cheez Food Product as much as the next unsophisticated child, I would not be so bold as to declare that product to be "healthy." Prestigious nutritionists bound to differ!

America's health care system has many problems. One is the fact that it is incredibly difficult to know how much things cost. We asked for prices on health care. Now, we've assembled some for you.

A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.

At an aggressively loud party a few weeks ago, as the lights from a rainbow disco ball flashed directly into my eyes, I thought about the float tank. A skinny white DJ bounced along to an EDM remix of a well-known pop song, but nestled behind my forehead was serenity and peace. I stayed for one drink and got the fuck out, hustling through the streets of New York with the image of capsuled meditation dancing in my brain. If I tried to imagine it hard enough, I was floating like a baby in the womb.

You, the American soda consumer, should be aware that your precious swill contains a chemical called 4-MeI, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving humans cancer. How many of you will get a deadly disease as a direct result of this chemical? Consumer Reports kindly figured out the answer.

If you're not fat already, you could soon wind up fat because of Chipotle. Data published by the New York Times shows that we're all eating a shit-ton of delicious and reasonably priced calories and salt in the form of organic carnitas and guacamole. Great! Just great!

A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that smoking cigarettes is way worse for your health than researchers had previously thought. Smoking apparently causes five additional diseases which previously had not been linked to tobacco use.

Last week, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid broke his ribs and his face in a mysterious "exercise accident." Now, Harry Reid is speaking out on what the hell happened. We still don't get it.

What sort of people tend to die from alcohol poisoning? If you said "idiot college students," shut up—you're wrong, and drunk.

Did you get cancer recently? You did? Uh... sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought you were going to say "no." Jesus. Uh... take heart in your many fellow Americans who have not gotten cancer recently—thanks to science, etc!

Technology addicts were panicked this week at news of a study finding that looking down at your cell phone is equivalent to placing a 60-pound weight on your neck. Not to worry—there is a solution, robots.

If you get Ebola, it turns out that the single best thing you can do is to drink a gallon of water a day. "I want sports personalities to be talking about it," says a doctor in Sierra Leone. "I want everybody to be talking about it." Spread the word!

A new study finds that "Cigars may be as bad for your health as cigarettes." Surprise, I guess? Fortunately cigar smokers are mostly teens and rich guys, so no big loss.

Put down that glass of milk right now! Don't be alarmed—try this. It's called yogurt. I think u gonna like it (and so will your health as well).

If you are the hopeful, "never say die" sort of person who consumes artificial sweeteners in your diet in order to lower your sugar intake, allow me to inform you that you may have been accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, all this time. Burn.

Salt: good? Bad? Both! It will kill you no matter what you do.

If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).

Do you work in an office? Do you work in an office with harsh, artificial lighting? Do you know when you will die? Younger than you need to, I bet.

In addition to all of the fun "food stamps" and free nights in jail, here is another thing to look forward to as a reward for being poor: having your limbs amputated.

Does fish oil actually prevent heart disease? "By 2018, there will be an answer." Okay. Thanks for nothing.