Give them credit: It's only January, but the new Republican-controlled House is already obnoxiously redefining "rape" in pieces of legislation. Under their plan, only abortions from "forcible rape" would be eligible for government funding, instead of the much simpler "rape."

Oh gosh, something to be concerned about: people now are just going to cheap gyms and working out and leaving, rather than indulging in the "community" of group classes and flirting and juice bars. Will gyms ever be annoying again?

As we've heard, our nation's college students are quite mentally unstable. In fact, the results of a new survey say our college freshmen are more stressed than ever before. Is it debt? Insecurity? Inferiority? Or is it...rave parties?

Old galaxies! Nabokov butterflies! Milk safety! Insomnia relief! Cell timers! Solar sails! Bat naps! Math extinctions! Ovulation dreams! Breast chips! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—wackily, come on!

So America's smoking and obesity are wrecking the curve for life expectancy in developed nations? Tough, haters.

Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!

Is your child going to be a drug-addicted criminal? Thanks to the powers of science, you can now find out, years in advance!

HCG is a human hormone made during pregnancy. It's also a popular ingredient in diet potions. It's also a total fraud. Sorry, Carmen Electra!

The manufacturers of Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars pulled their product off the shelf when they found twice as much lead in them as is legally permitted. The bars come in cherry, raspberry, apple, and new irony flavor.

Hot flashes! Poop eating! Shingles cure! Alcoholism medication! Alzheimer's test! Organ transplants! Smallpox preservation! Vaccine seizures! Cancer breastfeeding! And a little encouragement for the sexually promiscuous eating-disordered ladies! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—yes, yours!

When people say, after sex, "I can't move," they usually mean it as a compliment. But you should make sure! Because they might mean it literally. Like the woman in New Zealand who was partially paralyzed by a hickey.

Wal-Mart today announced a five-year plan to modestly reduce sodium, sugar, and trans fats in all the food it sells. For this, they got a press conference with Michelle Obama in a sleeveless dress. Totally worth it. [NYT]

Wounded Rep. Gabrielle Giffords is playing with an iPad now, which, according to her doctors, "indicates a high level of cognitive functioning." Apple always wins! If she were playing with a Dell or Samsung tablet, it wouldn't be as significant.

Need some steroids? Sure you do. Try Amazon.com, which offers a veritable ocean of steroid-containing "supplements," ready for shipping right to your doorstep.

Men who experience fever, burning eyes, runny nose, and fatigue after ejaculation could have a rare, mysterious condition called post orgasmic illness syndrome, or POIS. But don't worry, guys, there's a cure!

The National Enquirer knows why President Obama is "scary skinny": He's "secretly battling stomach parasites." Worms slurping at the lining of your stomach: hot new D.C. diet craze! We hear Joe Biden swears by the festering maggot cleanse. [Previously]

Steve Jobs took a secret flight to Switzerland in 2009 for cancer treatment, reports Fortune, suggesting a radical, all-out fight against his ailment. Fortune agreed to keep this a secret, but now that their source is dead, the deal's off.

Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

It's January, and that means it's time for everyone to join a gym and then quickly stop going to the gym out of laziness, in a trend-story-friendly manner. What a goddamn waste of money. Below, ten methods for becoming hardcore.

Apple just announced that CEO and mastermind Steve Jobs is taking a "medical leave of absence." That sounds bad.