The ongoing American obesity crisis has doubtless had a negative impact on our nation's health, appearance, and collective long-jump ability. And that's not all: it's also actually making us dumber. The latest evidence is irrefutable.

Well it looks like your vegetarian friends will be bitching about the eggplant parmesan at your post-funeral lunch too, because they're definitely out-living you.

First of all, did you know fecal transplants are a thing? They are. And not only that, they're an effective cure for a potentially fatal intestinal infection resistant to antibiotics. As The New York Times tactfully reports:

If you sleep on your side, you are quite ordinary and boring. If you sleep on your stomach, you are a special flower.

Good Morning America anchor Robin Roberts announced this morning she expects to return to the show sometime in February. Roberts has not been on live television since August, when she began treatment for myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), a rare blood disorder.

Yes, the flu season is really bad this year. No, it's not entirely due to "people use too much Purell nowadays" or whining about what's probably just a cold, either. The CDC reports that more than 200,000 people are hospitalized from "flu-related complications" every year. Sometimes, especially in the winter, people will use the word "flu" to describe any condition they want, but this is not the flu's fault and you should not blame it.

Among wealthy, developed countries, that is. According to a study from the National Academy of Sciences, Americans are "far" unhealthier than their counterparts in Canada, Australia, Japan, Britain, France, Portugal, Italy and Germany and eight other countries. But just how bad is it?

How bad is this year's flu season? Here's a Google map that estimates how bad the flu is across the country based on aggregated Google search data. No matter where you live in the U.S., you're facing "intense" or "high" flu activity — unless you live in Connecticut, in which case you're only looking at "moderate" activity (but you're suffering enough).

The scary untreatable kind of gonorrhea is now cheerfully marching through North America. Hey, girl.

The only ingredient in energy drinks that matters is caffeine. Just drink coffee, it's cheap.

After a recent program revealed that five percent of the city's high schoolers tested positive for STDs, including HIV, Philadelphia is installing free condom dispensers in nearly a third of its high schools. The 22 schools chosen were the ones with the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases.

If you'd considered getting or giving "wrinkle treatment" as holiday gift, perhaps you should reconsider. Of course, there are many reasons why you should reconsider but here's the most urgent one: Last month, the FDA sent a letter to 350 doctors warning them that they may have received counterfeit or unsafe Botox from a Canadian supplier.

Here's some happy news for germaphobes: your belly button, or "umbilicus" as scientists call it, is absolutely filthy, with over 2,000 different types of bacteria living in it. As ABC News puts it, this "means you have more kinds of bacteria in your belly button than there are different kinds of ants or birds in North America."

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

Two years after scandal-free former General David Petraeus lifted an eight-month ban on fast-food restaurants on military bases in Afghanistan (Burger King, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut were popular options), the Washington Post is now reporting that obesity is a leading cause of ineligibility for potential army volunteers and current military personnel. Over 1600 soldiers were kicked out of the Army in the first ten months of 2012 alone, or 16 times the amount expelled in 2007.

The New York City Department of Health has released its quarterly STD report. The takeaway here: everyone has chlamydia.

If you've been trying and failing to get pregnant by a French man (looking at you, Halle), don't worry – it's not you, it's him. According to a study in the appropriately named journal, Human Reproduction, the average sperm count of French men has dropped 32.3% since 1989, or 1.9% a year.

If this doesn't prove that you should always self-diagnose yourself with the worst symptom-matching WebMD diagnosis possible, nothing will. After four months of leaking a grotesque amount of liquid from her nose, which several doctors initially blamed on severe allergies, Aundrea Aragon went to the emergency room where, after testing the fluid, she was diagnosed with a cerebrospinal fluid leak AKA her brain juices were leaking all over her face.

At this point, we all know smoking is terrible for you. It causes lung cancer, heart disease, and various dental problems. There are, of course, some benefits (makes you look cool, aides concentration while night blogging, etc). But even if you're one of the remaining few heroic smokers, this should give you pause; a new study at King's London College London finds smoking will "rot" your brain.

According to a Swedish study, men who were weak as teenagers are more likely to die prematurely. The study, which tracked roughly a million men over a period of 24 years, found that men who, as teenagers, had stronger leg and arm muscles (and a stronger grip) had a 20-35% lower risk of early death from any cause.