Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump.

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]

[Photo Credit: X17]

Former BFFs Heather Locklear and Denise Richards have each enjoyed watching the other's respective star status fall farther with each passing year, but the good news is they both share something in common to smile about. While it's not exactly an Emmy, they both look hot in bikinis. Heather's gone from starring in a hit primetime drama and being the object of many a male fantasy to her current role in a Lifetime movie about women over 40 or something. And Denise? Well, after impressing nearly every male on the planet with her pouty lips and lesbian pool antics in Wild Things, she earned the title of Mrs. Charlie Sheen (quite an honor, indeed). Now? She's filming some kind of reality show that no one cares about. What do we care about? Who looks better in their red bikinis, and who's the better surfer! Judge for yourselves after the jump:

• You're making a music video for Britney Spears, who has been committed to a psychiatric ward twice in the last two months. How to best open your video and grab the viewer's attention? Depict Spears jumping off a building! [YouTube]

Straight out of a Melrose Place marathon on Lifetime, Heather Locklear was at the center of a dramatic series of (Exclusive!) stories posted online over the weekend having to do with a phantom 911 call and alleged suicide attempts. Some said the call came from Locklear, some said her psychiatrist, and others said they didn't care. But as the workweek began and actual reporters took to the stage, it seems as though the story was nothing more than an overreaction to one in a sea of myriad false positives raging through the LAPD phone lines daily. So who started the hubbub in the first place? And was the call in question coming from...inside the house?

• Actor George Clooney Googled himself in front of Esquire and addressed the various rumors that popped up. On his alleged feud with Fabio: "There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't shake that.'" On being called "gay, gay, gay:" "No, I'm gay, gay. The third gay – that was pushing it." [People]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so do your duty and send them in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you couldn't stop giggling thinking about a Tell Me You Love Me star's stunt-cock mishaps at The Grove.

With Friday finally here, your booze-infused weekend a mere nine call-rolling hours away, we thought we'd celebrate with a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog segment aired on Late Night with Conan O'Brien last night, in which 80's-hair-rock-titan turned middle-aged-lesbian Jon Bon Jovi revisited his encounter with the horny and vicious Rottweiler. We won't give away some of Triumph's best lines, except to say there's one involving Richie Sambora and a potentially damaging use of a curling iron that made our day.

· Paramount is in talks to let The Fountain's Darren Aronofsky loose on Matt Damon/Mark Wahlberg boxing drama The Fighter, a project with a conventional story that might be able to resist some of the director's more bizarre, artsy impulses. Still, Var cautions: "He isn't necessarily expected to take a traditional approach." [Variety]
· Balloons cascade from the ceiling of her ICM agent's office as Heather Locklear is cast in her 1,000th TV project, the ABC comedy pilot See Jayne Run. [THR]
· Punk'd: Plug Yank'd. Unless, you know, this is just another one of that Kutcher kid's incredibly clever practical jokes! [Variety]
· Dancing with the Stars cleans up against weak competition, pulling in an average of 21 million viewers. Also: We're starting to suspect that Heather Mills if faking the amputee thing. There's no way a prosthetic leg stays on when she does a flip like that. [THR]
· Casino Royale will soon break the still-young record for hi-def DVD sales, as viewers scramble to experience every chiseled contour of Daniel Craig's body in the stunning resolution that only the superior Blu-ray™ format can deliver. [Note: this item sponsored by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment] [Variety]

· At the upfronts, Les Moonves refers to trophy wife Julie Chen as his "peacock." Given his legendarily sadistic relationship with NBC, we think this gives us a pretty disturbing window into their marital relations.
· Lesser Baldwin brother Daniel could face 18 months in prison if convicted on cocaine charges. Adding insult to injury, his attorney told him that if he were Alec, he could get it down to 15 hours of community service and a "The More You Know" PSA on NBC.
· Once Heather Locklear finally snapped out of her divorce-induced haze and realized she was dating David Spade, the relationship was over just as quickly as she could order her assistant to text him and break the bad news.
· Reporter sets his phaser to lazy.

• David Spade Dragged Into Sheen-Richards Crap-Flinging [Defamer]