Being a celebrity is a double-edged sword: you're often more likely to find yourself involved in ridiculous, well-publicized crime, but at least it's easy to get acquitted!

It's been a rough 2008 for Heather Locklear, what with the jail, rehab, imaginary 911 calls, and the lingering shame of sex with David Spade (their matchmaking colorist really owes her after that one). "I've been better!" she told Jay Leno last night, understating things just a tad.

♦ Although her life looks like it's finally back on track, a new documentary suggests Britney Spears thinks her new life is like prison and lacks "excitement" or "passion." Hopefully she'll be in a better mood in two weeks when she makes an appearance at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony. [The Sun, OK!]
♦ Could Anna Wintour be planning to retire? Page Six says the Vogue editor is thinking about leaving the mag once her contract is up, and she's even been recommending possible replacements to Si Newhouse. [P6]
♦ Kiefer Sutherland may be planning to move to NYC so he can be closer to his girlfriend, Allure style director Siobhan Bonnouvrier. [Daily Star]
♦ Madonna is reportedly making $10 million to appear in her new Louis Vuitton ad campaign. [P6]

♦ Who's helping Madonna cope with her nasty, public divorce from Guy Ritchie? Best pal Gwyneth Paltrow, of course. "You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can... she's a very good friend." [Us, AP]
♦ In other Madonna news, Guy Ritchie now believes Madonna is spying on him, Madonna is now suggesting she wants to raise her kids in NYC, and Alex Rodriguez wants to move so he can be closer to the love of his life. [The Sun, People, R&M]
♦ Least plausible rumor ever: "Well placed sources" say that if Obama is elected president, he'll consider making Oprah British Ambassador. [TMZ]

Back when David Spade was dating Heather Locklear, Hollywood tongues wagged endlessly, wondering, "How does he do it?" Eventually, people realized that Spade is one of the great Casanovas of our time, able to woo some of the industry's biggest beauties by simply following the maxim, "Be normal and kind of have your shit together." Unfortunately, Locklear currently has her shit somewhat scattered, as she's dealing with a DUI called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who has a special relationship with Locklear rival Denise Richards. With so much going on in the life of his ex, how did the sensitive Spade check in?

There's a question that's been troubling us all—perhaps on an unconscious level—and poor Heather Locklear's predicament has brought it to the attention of two of the world's finest philosophers: The Daily News' folksy addiction experts Dave and Bill. So why do famous people spend huge amounts of money on rehab, only to continue getting bombed? It's their "dangerously inflated egos," apparently, which stand in the way of "the healing powers of anonymity and group morale" enjoyed by people with regular-sized egos at 12-step programs.

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]

♦ Britney Spears went to a Bronx school yesterday to visit some children. Unfortunately, the school was closed for the second day of Rosh Hashanah, so her handlers had to rustle up a bunch of other kids for the photo op. [OK!]
♦ Adnan Ghalib is backtracking on his Britney sex tape story. He now says there never was one to begin with. [MSNBC]
♦ Larry Flynt says his company has already shot a new porn movie starring a Sarah Palin look-alike, although he's not revealing the title yet. [R&M]
♦ Are Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady getting married? [Chicago Sun-Times]
♦ The woman who spotted Heather Locklear's car swerving and dialed 911 was former Us Weekly staffer Jill Ishkanian, who now runs a paparazzi photo agency of her own. [MSNBC]

When we first heard about Heather Locklear's weekend arrest for driving under the influence of a controlled substance, we were most interested in the curious detail of the sunglasses she repeatedly ran over. Turns out, the entire case is full of curious details, and here's the biggest one: the witness who placed the call to 911 is a former Us Weekly staffer who's under investigation by the FBI for hacking into the magazine's computer system to locate celebrities. Oh, and she called the paparazzi immediately after her 911 call. Oh, and she also just happens to have a lucrative partnership with Locklear rival Denise Richards! Details and her kooky 911 call, after the jump:Jossip has the goods on the ex-Us staffer, Jill Ishkanian, who had left the magazine (which she then sued) to start a paparazzi agency called Sunset Photo & News (where she was embezzled from).

Perhaps bereft that her former lover David Spade has found fatherhood in the fulsome embrace of a Playboy Bunny, actress Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday afternoon in Santa Barbara on suspicion of DUI. Booked in a local jail and released hours later, the Melrose Place alum was also fingered for being under the influence of a controlled substance (Janet Charlton is claiming that the actress is in the grips of a 20-year Vicodin addiction). While we're certainly concerned about Locklear's health, we have to admit we're most curious about the dastardly pair of eyewear that apparently set the entire incident into motion:

♦ Scarlett Johansson is a married woman: She tied the knot with actor Ryan Reynolds in a small ceremony outside of Vancouver on Saturday. [Us]
♦ Heather Locklear was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs in Montecito, CA, on Saturday. [NYP]
♦ Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will inherit his entire estate, which is estimated to be worth $20 million. [NYP]

Former Melrose Place and T.J. Hooker babe Heather Locklear's troubles continue. Two months after completing a four week stint in an Arizona treatment center for "anxiety and depression," Locklear was arrested and held in police custody last night in Santa Barbara on suspicion of driving while impaired. Police sources say that alcohol wasn't involved but that tests are being conducted to determine if the actress was on drugs. She was released on her own recognizance. [TMZ] Update: Mugshot goodness after the jump.

Barbara Walters doesn't look 79, does she? Must be all that Oil of Olay that keeps her so youthful. Happy birthday, Babs! Others celebrating today: Will Smith is 40. Designer Thakoon Panichgul is turning 34. Our very own Secretary of Defense, Bob Gates, is 65. Heather Locklear is turning 47. Actress Aida Turturro is 46. Catherine Zeta-Jones is 39. Filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar is 57. Tate Donovan is turning 45. Cheryl Tiegs is 61. And Hugh Hefner's girlfriend, Bridget Marquardt, might as well move into a retirement home: she's 35 today.

You gotta admit, when it comes to ladies, David Spade has an amazing track record. He’s nailed Heather Locklear, Lara Flynn Boyle, Krista Allen, Julie Bowen, Teri Hatcher, Gena Lee Nolin, Kristy Swanson, and countless Playboy playmates, including one he recently impregnated. But is he really the Don Juan of our time? J.R. Moehringer from Los Angeles Magazine seems to think so, and he makes a compelling case in a nearly 8-page exposé. Consider the evidence: Spade is no Clooney in the looks department, yet he pulls more tail than George. What’s more, he’s been doing so since he was a teenager. “He was voted Most Artistic,” Moehringer writes, “but the entire student body at Saguaro High School knew he was the campus Casanova, a walking stick of catnip for every cheerleader and homecoming queen.”Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness. Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:

And Special Guest Star Heather Locklear as Amanda: After Emmy producers found great success two years ago by reuniting the terrifyingly taut stars of Charlie's Angels onstage, E!'s Marc Malkin is reporting that another Spelling summit may be in the works. Producers are attempting to mount a Melrose Place reunion for this year's telecast, a stunt that raises all sorts of questions about who amongst the drama's sprawling cast would be asked to attend. Sure, Heather Locklear is a gimme, but what about the quickly exiled Vanessa A. Williams? Would Marcia Cross rather blow up the ceremony than share the stage with random late-season replacements like Linden Ashby and Jamie Luner? And, most pressingly, is the Zuniga free (our guess: yes)? Kudos, Emmy producers. We eagerly await next year's poignant reunion of the Small Wonder cast. [E!]

• Ron Perelman isn't interested in quietly settling his custody dispute with Patricia Duff. Not surprisingly, he's not interested in going to therapy with her either, despite a judge's recommendation. [Page Six]

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

• Sad Anne Hathaway had been shopping for homes with her scummy Italian boyfriend Rafaello Follieri right before the movie starlet finally realized she had to dump the loser. She told InStyle, for next month's issue: "If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want." [P6]

• Anne Hathaway's ex, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested yesterday, as you may have heard. Things haven't improved much behind bars. He's already been hospitalized (he collapsed) and tested positive for drugs (opiates). His lawyer is still in the process of rounding up the $16 million he needs to make bail. We can just imagine the awkward convo he's having with Anne today. [NYP]

Despite the joyous break in that nasty heat wave and the thorn in Anne Hathaway’s ass having been successfully removed, all is not well in LA today. As the NY Post reports, Larry King’s sixth wife Shawn Southwick King has ‘fessed up to a painkiller addiction, and now Us is confirming that Heather Locklear just checked herself in to an undisclosed treatment center for general craziness. So with the year's halfway point quickly approaching, we decided to check in on this year’s Rehab Class of 2008: those who’ve graduated with honors, the newest students, and the wild card alumni whose success remains a wobbly mystery.