Hero Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett should be released from the hospital soon, after being totally smashed up by a baton-wielding thug at the state fair after Barrett stepped in to quell a disturbance. Well guess who loves him, too? Obama!

Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was beaten with a metal pipe by a crazed thug at the Wisconsin State Fair Saturday. Is mayor-beating a new political trend, and is Tom Barrett now probably mayor-for-life? The answers are yes and hell yes.

Doug Liman, the notoriously dickish director of The Bourne Identity, rescued three people from drowning after a boat accident in the Hudson River on Wednesday while tooling around in his sailboat.

Historical ghosts ranging from H.L. Mencken to Richard Pryor are weeping up in heaven today, because the nation's premiere combination of journalism and humor, the Washington Post's "Mouthpiece Theater" has been canceled. Dana Milbank is the Icarus of our generation.

Michael Jackson's doctor is still just as sketchy as before. Tom Cruise will raise your kids for you. Jude Law's new baby's name, rappers, witches, Heroes, Gossip Girls, and Ashton Kutcher's fake life. Presenting an epic Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Remember how you emailed a friend that trailer for some failed movie? One that by all appearances looked like a total misfire and couldn't get a distributor? Even though thespian powerhouse Nic Cage was the lead? Remember how you laughed?

In an exciting bit of rumor that almost makes us want to take the rest of the week off, a tipster tells us they heard on Philly radio that Zoolanderesque performance artist Arthur Kade's getting a reality TV show. Uh.

Maniac publisher Felix Dennis sold Maxim for $250 million to Steven Rattner's Quadrangle Group in 2007; now, Rattner's firm is about to lose control of the magazine. Related: Dennis "once exclaimed at a meeting, 'I need to stop smoking crack.'"

A Southwest Airlines flight from Nashville to Baltimore last night made an unscheduled stop in West Virginia. Because a hole "appeared" in the plane, in the same sense that a meteor "appeared" over the Yucatan, then obliterated the dinosaurs.

Because Dov Charney is a hero to immigrants, The Man is all up in his business, trying to point out nitpicky technical "violations," like the fact that 1,800 of his employees are illegal. Jeez.

The media needs heroes in these dark days. And what is more heroic than fighting off a Sex Thug, hmm?

Hilarious Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was already in a spot of trouble for sleeping with an 18-year-old model. And now he is promising to "hang tough," despite new "sleeping with prostitutes" allegations. Way to go Italy!

Brooksville, Florida has passed a new rule requiring city workers to wear underwear and use deodorant while on the job. Brooksville's mayor, however, is skeptical of such intrusive lawmaking:

William Shatner, looking bloated, red-faced, sweating, and acting as though he was either high or drunk or both, was a guest for the ages on Conan's Tonight Show tonight. God bless him.

The upcoming issue of Playboy has a profile of Billy Mays, in which the bearded, Bentley-driving cleaning product salesman reveals his ruthless desire to crush the dreams of children:

Government bureaucrats are holding their fancy "hearings" in their air-conditioned offices to talk about what they can "learn" from the smooth river-ditching of US Airways Flight 1549 by hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger. Learn this, Poindexters: how a real hero talks:

Ed Whelan, former Scalia law clerk, Bush Justice Department appointee, and, most amusingly, "President of the Ethics and Public Policy Center," got soooo mad at some blogger who was criticizing him that he published the guy's real name and job.

Maybe you've heard of film director Joseph McGinty Nichol, popularly known as "McG." Perhaps you'd like him to get beat up, if only because he calls himself McG? If so, don't fret—-Bill Murray already did it.

The pirates that hijacked the hero crew of the hero ship Maersk Alabama last month took $30,000 from the ship's safe. Now two of the pirates are dead, and the third is waiting to stand trial in NYC. So, uh, where's that cash?

Bernard Kerik, former New York Top Cop and Homeland Security chief nominee (haaaaaaaaa) just got indicted! Again!