It's time for our weekly refresher on the latest bandana trends, wherein we sift through the hundreds of hipstard photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak touches you in an inappropriate way.

No apocalyptic heat wave can keep the children from dancing, and so we celebrate them with Blue States Lose, our weekly socio-anthropological examination of the hipster borg. In our quest for understanding, we make fun of stupid-looking photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak shakes what his mama gave him.

• The Water Taxi comes to Williamsburg, bringing with it a level of comfort for Wall Streeters and a newfound terror for the hipsters who've fought so hard to delay the inevitable. [NYS]
• Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married. Honeymoon videotape of their threesome with the dude from Creed obviously TK. [Us Weekly]
• Gene Simmons drools on a celebrity weekly reporter, publicist fails to apologize, world keeps on turning (barely). [M2tv]
• Your guide to the great Author Portraits of our time. Joan Didion, you will always rule. [Jane]
• More Fabian Basabe than anyone should ever be forced to endure. [JuliaAllison]
• That whole mess with Israel and Hezbollah? Ain't nothing but a gizmo. [Jew School]
• Vote for the hottest gay journalist: what wouldn't we give to see the Coop and Daily Newser Chris Rovzar mud-wrestle for the tiara. [Left Behinds]
• Cranky Media Guy Simon Dumenco can go on and on about what's wrong with America's Got Talent — but if that's how he wants to deal with his disturbingly hot David Hasselhoff fantasies, then so be it. [AdAge]
• How sad is D.C.? So sad that residents will try to raise $20K just to get K-Fed to come by and liven things up a bit. [Circomlocuter]
• The life cycle of the Party Girl, as told by Kristen Cavalleri, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Pam Anderson, Janice Dickinson, and Keith Richards. [BWE]

You may be dying from the heat, but the real hotness is dripping from the emaciated bodies of the hipsters, who dutifully brave the rising temperatures and don their leotards so that they might entertain you with Blue States Lose. You know the drill: we weed through the stupid photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak shows you his tan lines.

Man of the hour Thomas Onorato still won't let Visionaire's Scott Meriam into Motherfucker.

The bit of loveliness you see here comes from the Post's Pulitzer-baiting examination of the bridge and tunnel crowd. (Your takeaway: Clubs like them because they spend a lot of money; being Italian-Americans, they tend to be too stupid to read the bill.) The chart above would seem to be a gratuitous swipe at merely two of the elements that make our city so objectionable, but even so, forcing us too choose between Princess Coldstare and The Crappo del Tutti Crappy is shockingly unfair. Can't we call it a draw?

Emotionally, we're still celebrating America's birthday — and we value nothing more than our nation's independence, and our constitutional freedom to look at fucked-up hipsters on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. Yep, it's time for some Blue States Lose. After the jump, Joey Arak models his leotard collection.

While North Korea polishes their pretty missles, find comfort in the safety of nightlife: whenever there's a holiday that gets a day off of work, there's a Motherfucker the night prior. This time around, the event was held Monday night at the surprisingly uber-club Eugene, providing hipsters and trannies with three levels to roam off (or on)-leash. Wherever there's a happy freakshow, there's Gawker photographer Nikola Tamindzic. After the jump, he captures the usual suspects: Amanda Lepore, Michael T., the Futureheads and some NSFW action.

Before you pile into your stretch Hummer limo and hit the L.I.E. to Hamptonite hell, do take a moment to remember those less fortunate than you: the hipsters who cannot afford beachfront property, who must suffer and sweat and grind away on the dancefloors of this city while you work on your tan. And so it's time for Blue States Lose, wherein we look through these poor hipsters' stupid photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak sticks a sparkler up his ass.

Due to the construction of both a luxury hotel and a new condo complex, the demise of Orchard Street between Houston and Stanton has created a new breed of hipster. Whereas earlier generations of hipsters had been infected with the powerful disaffectation virus, the latest incarnation of the Lower East Side hipster — a species quickly nearing extinction due to Fat Baby — has been plagued with extra-aggravated strains of rage:

• YouTube, the biggest independent Web 2.0 firm that needs a lucrative deal like a hooker needs a free clinic, wins distribution of NBC shows. After NBC's SNL clip "Lazy Sunday" went viral on YouTube (and got yanked), the network finally realized that its viewers all moved to the Internet. [Washington Post]

• Palm Beach airport officials find a bottle of Viagra in Rush Limbaugh's bag, but the prescription is not in his name. The situation could result in a second-degree misdemeanor, and one very unsatisfied lady friend. [CNN]
• People's online appendage is hiring — and much like OK!, they're looking on Craigslist. If that's the best their HR can afford, Time Inc. is suffering more than we all know. [Craigslist]
• Naomi Campbell sashays into court to deal with that silly time she chucked a crystal-encrusted BlackBerry at her housekeeper's head. Alas, she did not wear the coveted denim for her appearance. [TMZ]
• A very pregnant Lizzie Grubman — imagine, if you can, what horror grows within her womb. [New York Scene]
• Ann Coulter scores exactly 666 mentions on the HuffPo People Ranker. Coincidence? Hell fucking no. [HuffPo]
• It was only a matter of time before Billyburg hipsters made themselves their own ironic, Billyburg sitcom. Forgive us for kind of loving it. [The Burg]
• Dan Radosh's love of hardcore porn makes the New York Approval Matrix, but not without the snub of not naming his website. Though his wife is likely relieved. [Radosh]
• This may be the most adorably stupid item ever: hot priests who look like celebrities. Naturally, these men of the cloth have their own calendar. Even more naturally, we've ordered ourselves one for every square foot of HQ. [TMZ]

• Jesus lives and saves us all: Star Jones is reportedly announcing her departure from The View, preferring instead to continue her rapid shrinking in the privacy of her own home. If we're lucky, her on-air farewell will be the exact opposite of Katie Couric's: hilarious and laced with blood. [Access Hollywood]
• Producer Dallas Austin has now been in a Dubai prison for one month for trying to bring drugs into the country for Naomi Campbell's birthday party; Campbell has yet to forgive him for ruining her big day. [MTV]
• A sneak peek at a former Playboy Bunny's tell-all, plus her requisite cleavage. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Best Week Ever comedian Sherrod Small slams the John Mayer report, insists that the musician's use of the n-word was funny. [BWE]
• Extremely loud and incredibly derivative. [The Velvet Blog]
• One block of 103rd Street is renamed Humphrey Bogart Place in honor of the actor's childhood home. Not that it makes the locale any more appealing. [Cinematical]
• Unintentional hilarity: Laura Ingraham as the next Jon Stewart? It's a pilot we'd gleefully kill to get our hands on. [TV Newser]
• Overheard in NY gets its own stalker map. [Overplot]
• Kudos to the generous Daily News editors who allowed Ben Widdicombe to out both Anderson Cooper and Shep Smith in one fell swoop. [Gatecrasher]
• Hipster Swiss Army knives, crafted especially for Bedford Avenue stabbings. [Consumerist]
• Does Us Weekly have a problem with Britney Spears? Is People coddling her? And at what point will we all collectively agree to just look the fuck away? [Media Orchard]

Just when you thought you were about to choke to death on the heat and humidity, Blue States Lose comes to the rescue with a refreshing blast of hipster haterade. You know how we do it: we look through fucktard photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak loans you his lucky legwarmers.

Friday is good, and Blue States Lose is even better. It's our weekly exercise in discipline, wherein we do our best to not kill ourselves while digging through the hipstard photos at The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you won't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak relaxes in a hot tub full of warm, bubbling Sparks.

Gawker's soft-core artiste Nikola Tamindzic wanted so badly to provide you with Friday morning eye-candy that he braved Don Hill's last night for the 1-year anniversary of Stache, the roaming party that's built its name on bad behavior, guitar solos, and substance abuse. Because Friday is for mindless, sketchy eye-candy, we'll let the pictures from the self-described "underground rock-and-roll sex scandal" tell the story.

Oh, c'mon, we could have gone with, "But Does It Come In Black?"

• Jenna Elfman defends Scientology by screaming in public and asking people if they've raped babies. If only she were allowed to take her medication, these outbursts could be prevented. [TMZ]
• If you watch that Thomas Friedman video again carefully, you just might notice a young lady in the background, swilling champagne. Apparently, she's his daughter — and she just graduated high school. But who doesn't booze their way through Daddy's big night? [Fishbowl NY]
• Lower East Side stinkpit Rothko shuts its doors — but where will the little hipsters dance now? [Brooklyn Vegan]
• The mathetmatical formula for Bridget Harrison. [Julia Allison]
• Andrew Hearst — the man just hired to edit Vanity Fair online — brings you Sementeen, for adolescent and teenage boys everywhere. [Panopticist]
• You kind of knew Jon Stewart would be a good tipper. [New York Hack]
• The rights to John Steinbeck's works have been awarded to his son and granddaughter, neither of whom will have to lift a finger ever again. [AP]
• Surprisingly enough, wearing your Anderson Cooper fan shirt to Anderson Cooper's book signing does not scare the silver fox. [Understandish]
• Our worldly brother Gridskipper is in desperate need of interns in New York and Los Angeles. Come join our abusive family, won't you? [Gridskipper]

As the rain ceases and the clouds clear the sky, it's time for Blue States Lose, wherein we selflessly sift through fucktard photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel. After the jump, Joey Arak shows you his armpit piercings.

Also, Yahoo enjoys renewed gullibility for bullshit manufactured hipster faux-trends.