Remember freshman year when the girls had to talk to the school nurse about menstruation? Well, Esquire Editor-in-Chief David Granger is doing that but for Hearst's male employees. It's called "Your Pump, Your Plumbing, and a Cocktail." Gross!

Okay, this is weird. But here are two internal memos. One affecting me, the other by me. Nick has just announced that Gawker's acquiring CityFile. As part of that deal, I'm losing my job. Now that they are out there, may as well put them here. So that you have them:

Dan Neil is the Los Angeles Times' Pulitzer Prize-winning automobiles columnist who recently took a job with the Wall Street Journal. The farewell memo he sent to his soon-to-be former colleagues, which was first printed in LA Observed, is as entertaining as his columns. Also, incredibly classy.

Reuters's Martin Howell sent this memo to staff after the financial wire reportedly tied its internal records of scoops to reporter pay. Attempts to file such "Beats and Exclusives" records are expected to mushroom.

Cornell students just received an email from the University Police, warning them about an imminent, and dangerous, threat to their safety: Deadheads. Hey, we'd be nervous too.

The following email just went out to Time Inc. staffers, informing them that People StyleWatch publisher Michelle Meyers has quit, for unexplained reasons. Know more? Email us.

Bloomberg LP earned fabulous profits off its obsession with statistics. None, though, controls the day-to-day lives of the financial news drones like the "breaking news points" metrics scheme. Meet the most Stalinist production system in capitalist journalism.

The New York Times Co. made money last year! A $20 million profit for 2009. Revenue fell more than 11% in the fourth quarter—but it's declining less than last year. Silver linings! Celebratory year-in-review internal memo below.

Here's a memo that John Sargent just sent out to all Macmillan authors and agents about the publisher's ongoing fight with Amazon over e-book pricing. It's optimistic! Sort of. Their titles are still removed from Amazon, but a peace accord might be imminent. Basically there's still a lot of figuring out to be done about what the brave new world of publishing will look like.

AOL just announced its first quarterly results since spinning off from Time Warner. Sure, profit was a pathetic $1.4 million, but the dial-up provider's financial pathetic-ness is growing more slowly than ever. Full memo:

Rupert Murdoch sent out a memo today to reassure his News Corp. charges that, recession or not, their media conglomerate remains on top and is growing revenue. "Organically," which is heartening. Full memo after the jump. But don't let the hippie-dippie "organic" language fool you into thinking Murdoch is turning liberal; despite rumors of an internal feud, Murdoch still gives prominent praise to his right-tilting Fox News Channel and Wall Street Journal in the memo below, albeit after a nod to Avatar, a film about native peoples' struggle against mining interests. And he sounds as defiant as ever about free internet content, citing the Journal's effort at "instituting fair pricing for digital journalism" as a major accomplishment. He's about to turn 79, but Murdoch sounds like he's still very much in a hurry.

This morning, it was announced that New York Magazine deputy editor Hugo Lindgren will be departing for Bloomberg BusinessWeek. NYM editor Adam Moss sent out a gushing tribute to Lindgren, who's been there for six years and before that worked with Moss at The New York Times Magazine, to the magazine's staff.

Here, Newsday's counterpoint to the embarrassing report earlier this week about their dismal online subscriber numbers. That is not even part of their strategy, jerks.

The New York Times Company is launching new "Reader Applications" division, according to an internal memo. This is probably the first corporate re-organization motivated by an external product that doesn't officially exist. The new business-side group will oversee products for non-Apple devices like the Kindle, Sony Reader and Barnes & Noble Nook. In fact, the word "Apple" appears nowhere in today's memo from Times Company president Scott Heekin-Canedy. But the timing of the announcement just days before Apple is expected to unveil its own tablet device is not lost on company insiders. We're guessing newsroom staff will be watching Apple's tablet event as obsessively as any Apple fanboys later this week, if only to get details on the "continued growth in this new and important segment of" Times business.

Good god. Remember that little outbreak of a mysterious intestinal illness at the New York Times that shut down the company cafeteria earlier this month? Well, they've run some tests, and...we don't know how to tell you this...it's... Norovirus. (*Checks Wikipedia.*) Dang that makes you throw up and poop!

Hello, it is the most recent "Weekly Notes" memo from inspirational be-bowtied Bloomberg leader Matthew Winkler. Imagine him shouting the entire text at you, to get the full effect.

Nik Deogun, formerly the deputy managing editor of the Wall Street Journal under Robert Thomson, is leaving for CNBC. Click through for Deogun's farewell email to friends, AND the moving lyrics to his send-off songs, from the "WSJ band!"

AOL will begin a much-anticipated mass layoff round today, the head of HR wrote to staff. Fired workers — an estimated 1,400 of them — will largely be leaving on Wednesday. Then the internet conglomerate can hire in India. AOL is planing to expand its technical staff in South Asia, according to briefings within the company earlier this month. But first the company, in the midst of a major restructuring under CEO Tim Armstrong, must make major cuts stateside. By spreading the cuts among AOL's offices, the company will avoid having to give costly, lengthy firing notices under the federal Worker Adjustment and Retraining Notification act. Let's hear it for the bottom line.

Reuters' editor for global news thinks it's hilarious that, if you believe "some blogs and journalist talk," he and his boss bowed to pressure in killing an investigation into hedge fund manager Steven Cohen.

New York Times employees are being forced to forage for food outdoors today. The cafeteria is closed because—oh yes—the last 24 hours have brought gastrointestinal sickness to countless innocent NYT employees! Cuisine of DOOM? Scandalous internal memo below.