Brooks Brothers does not make the type of "College apparel" worn by Southeastern Conference country animals on "game day" that serves as little more than a bib for copious amounts of spilled beer and barbecue sauce. That is not what Brooks Brothers does. Brooks Brothers makes dignified casual apparel for American winners.

This weekend, Princeton's class of 2006 celebrates its five-year reunion with a standard-issue bacchanal. This year's theme: "'06 Feet Under." Cute, right? Except when they announce the '06 reunion memorial service, which now looks like it is being introduced with a wacky pun.

Cleaning up after college kids is lucrative. A profile in The Daily Beast reveals that Kia Grasty, cheerful custodian of Penn frat houses, makes $140,000 by mopping beer from rich kids' floors.

We hasten this morning to bring you the very latest on the Penn Frat Party Camel Abuse Controversy. What's that? You haven't been following the uproar at the Ivy League that erupted after the Zeta Psi fraternity went to a petting zoo and rented a camel for its "Spring Fling" party? And how some people objected to the way that the camel was surrounded by drunken Greeks and petted to within an inch of its life?

Meet Grace Oberhofer, a Washington State teen who has been, gasp, waitlisted at the Stansbury of the east, Harvard University. Waitlisted? Noooo. So what is a disappointed and desperate Harvard wannabe to do? Well, if you're this girl you record a jokey yet still plainly earnest song pleading with the admissions office to let you onto the Yard.

How a state school student reacts to her mother refusing to co-sign on her used Nissan 350Z: By expressing her frustration in words. How an Ivy League student reacts to her mother refusing to co-sign on her used Nissan 350Z: By pistol-whipping her mother in the head. Of course, 17-year-old Rachel Anne Hachero, who's accused of pistol-whipping and threatening her mother over a black 2004 Nissan 350Z, isn't yet an Ivy Leaguer—according to her mother, she's "been accepted to several Ivy League colleges"—but something tells us she'll fit right in. [News Press]

"I often feel obliged to tell people, even if they don't ask, that it was Andover (not Harvard) that taught to me to think and write critically." Alexander Heffner is not waiting for your questions.

The many perils of law school—how we love to cover them! As does the Lamestream Media. In fact, competition for stories about law school is now so strict among media outlets that the New York Times—once considered a "prestigious" news outlet dedicated to matters of public import—has written and published an entire story about how law students can borrow a dog to play with for 30 minutes at a time.

It's okay for college kids, or white kids, or even rich and famous kids to like rap; or even to rap themselves, if they happen to be blessed with that particular talent. But it's not okay for rich famous white college kids to butcher rap music, for laffs (on purpose, or unintentionally). Not any more, at least. Maybe it was funny the first time someone tried it, oh so many years ago? We doubt it. But maybe. Now, though... we present you with Pussy Breath.

You know how, when you applied for college, you sent the same bromide "Why I want to go to _____ University" essay to every school, because all colleges are interchangeable anyway? Turns out John F. Kennedy thought so, too.

Police arrested Cornell senior Keri Blakinger while she was holding $150,000 worth of heroin, which she confessed was hers. A Cornell Daily Sun staffer, Keri posed in bikinis on Facebook—and hung out in a notorious drug den.

The Harvard Republican Club is mired in an election-fixing scandal of a deviousness not seen since the heyday of ACORN. The charge: a sinister plot by one candidate to lure voters away from the polls. The bait: McKinsey. Ooooo, Mckinsey!

Higher learning's most charming rivalry, between dusty old fart-factories Yale and Harvard, always heats up this time of year, but rarely this badly. In a timely response to Yale: The Musical, some Harvard kids made a parody. A bad one.

The single most popular class at Harvard this fall: "Science and Cooking: From Haute Cuisine to Soft Matter Science." Basically a cooking class! I know, right? I would have guessed "How to Get Laid for Dorks," LOL. [Boston Globe]

Last weekend marked an outrageous and ignoble milestone of disillusionment for more than a hundred Yale students: New Haven police rudely broke up their party as if they were regular townies. Needless to say, academe is aflame.

Corporate buyout king Henry Kravis is donating $100 million to Columbia's Business School, which will help the school add 450,000 square feet of space. Which raises an interesting point about these types of donations: they are loathsome.

Janette Turner Hospital is the author of Orpheus Lost and other books, and a professor at Columbia. She sent MFA students at her old school, the University of South Carolina, the following note about their inferiority. It is amazing.

This past weekend, a sprawling new profile probed Adam Wheeler, the man accused of scamming his way into Harvard. Turns out the tortured poet's grand reinvention coincided with gaining 20 lbs. of muscle in a single summer. Damn.

Harvard Business School kids are trying to get all their fellow grads to take an oath, a pledge that they'll be ethical managers. This could well be the most effective meaningless gesture since abstinence pledges. [Bloomberg. Pic via]

The fatal shooting of Yale postdoctoral fellow Vajinder Toor is the second homicide to hit the school this academic year. But despite the tragedy, Toor is unlikely to be another Annie Le, whose gruesome murder made national news last fall.