This is perfect. On a scale of 1 to 10, I rate it an 1814.

Even Michael Powell thinks Nipplegate was overblown, now.

Tired of all the rumors that were not flying around regarding her wedding, Janet Jackson surprised the world today by announcing (apropos of nothing?) that she and obscenely wealthy Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana have been married since last year.

The big news Thursday is that Katherine Jackson is back in California after an extended vacation and/or kidnapping to Arizona.

Determining the precise level of insanity present within each member of the Jackson family has long been a favorite pastime of the team of licensed psychiatrists that is the American public.

With each detail that emerges about the Jackson family meltdown, the story becomes even more unbelievable.

Everything just got crazy.

Today's Janet Jackson's 46th birthday, so I'm taking that excuse to post this song that everyone's heard a million times but that I've nonetheless been obsessing about recently. Have you listened to this song lately? Like, really listened to it, not just took it for granted as the pop wallpaper that megahits can become over time? It's worth it.

Calm down, everyone. Madonna has finally said what we needed her to say — when asked about Janet Jackson's boob-baring "wardrobe malfunction" in 2004, Madonna told Bob Costas, "This will not happen to me, I promise you."

Seven years (almost eight, at this point) after Janet Jackson's intentional "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl and the $550,000 fine leveled against CBS is still being argued in court. Just today an appeals court in Philly threw out the case. Now it might be headed back to the Supreme Court.

[Singer Janet Jackson goes through airport security at LAX. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

And why are birthdays such polarizing affairs? Did Jessica Simpson buy her own engagement ring? Did Britney's insanity make her parents fall back in love? Tuesday gossip is a toddler who keeps asking, "Why?"

Janet bonds with George Lopez over childhood memories, body image, and vegan Mexican food (apparently one of Michael's favorites). Janet talks about her new book which focuses on self esteem, which sends Lopez down a somewhat twisted memory lane.

Janet Jackson was the guest for the hour on Larry King Live tonight. In two of the interview's most awkward moments, King a) told Jackson that her album title was "self-crediting," and b) didn't understand one of her obvious jokes.

LiLo was "giggling" and downing Jack and Coke when she admitted to using drugs. Lady Gaga's meat dress gets made into jerky. Britney Spears buys a skateboard for her sons. Thursday gossip is totally saturated.

Serial marry-er Elizabeth Taylor, 78, is said to be engaged to Sterling Winters, Janet Jackson's 49-year-old manager. She loves young things, like Twitter and her men. This will be her ninth trip down the aisle. Congrats! [Getty]

• Down-and-out former pageant queen Carrie Prejean must be getting really desperate: She's turning to Donald Trump for career advice. Trump suggested she "become a major porn star," make tons of cash and then "give it to worthy causes." Clearly, it's this type of forward thinking that has made Trump the business titan he is. [P6]
• Nic Cage's lawyer now says the countersuit by the actor's former business manager—Samuel Levin claims he warned Cage about his "compulsive, self-destructive spending" years ago—is "ridiculous." As for Cage himself, he's in Somalia right now facing down evil pirates since he's under the impression that his life is one big action movie, but says he'll sort everything out once he gets back to the States. [P6]
• Lou Dobbs is taking a vacation now that he's no longer with CNN. Mexico is not on his travel itinerary, in case you were wondering. [NYP]
• Larry King's 10-year-old son is the luckiest boy in all of Los Angeles today: He's been signed to host his own cable TV show. Ain't nepotism grand? [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse's dad says his daughter's new breast implants are leaking, which is why she's been in the hospital recently. But presumably that's to be expected if you poke yourself with needles all day, no? [Sun]

• Nic Cage has been having some money troubles as of late and he recently sued his business manager for allegedly mishandling his finances. Now the manager is striking back. He's filed a countersuit against Cage and claims the actor is an out-of-control spender who, in just the last few years, has picked 15 different homes around the world, 22 cars (including 9 Rolls-Royces), four yachts, a jet, and a Caribbean island. Oh, and Cage also blew a fortune by constantly hosting "Gatsby-style parties at his residences." [WSJ]
• Paris Hilton's plan to remake her image and position herself as more "mature" isn't off to a very good start. The cops had to be called to her house in LA last night after she and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt had a nasty fight. [TMZ]
• Wannabe reality TV star Tinsley Mortimer and "wannabe socialite" Devorah Rose got into "a fight" the other night. Fortunately, two cameras were rolling the entire time, so you'll get to see it yourself in about 6 months. [P6]
• The co-owner of Table 8 at the Cooper Square Hotel is under suspicion for secretly giving his girlfriend a drug to force her to have an abortion and may soon be charged with killing the couple's unborn child. Grim. [NYDN]
• Charlie Gibson claims he has "tremendous respect" for his ABC colleague Diane Sawyer, but he supposedly "badmouths her openly and often" behind the scenes. An ABC spokeswoman called the claims "bullsh*t," while a less excitable Gibson said it was all "just silly." [P6]

• The feud between Al Roker and America's most despicable couple continues. After the Today show canceled an interview with Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Spencer took to Twitter to air his rage: "I thought you were out of town getting your stomache [sic] staped [sic] again... Do you always look like your [sic] about to die?" One thing that's clear here: Spencer should have paid more attention in English class. [Us]
• Brat Packer Anthony Michael Hall—who is about to kick off a guest stint on NBC's Community—has been ordered to stay away from his ex, Diana Falzone, a "relationship expert" who writes for the Huffington Post and hosts a show on Sirius. Falzone was granted a restraining order after Hall allegedly broke down her door last week and "bashed her head against a wall." [P6]
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden secured a restraining order against two paparazzi who Richie says have been harassing her. Is it just us, or are restraining orders becoming all the rage? [TMZ]
• MTV has premiered Beyoncé's new video for "Video Phone" featuring a special guest appearance by Lady Gaga. In a surprising twist, it's Lady Gaga who looks fairly normal and Beyoncé who looks a little freaky. [MTV, NYP]

Beyonce and Lady Gaga leak a clip from their forthcoming music video; Levi Johnston disguises himself as the Unabomber; at least one member of Congress thinks Carrie Prejean should run for office. Welcome to Tuesday's gossip.