• Pinch Sulzberger and cousin Michael Golden hope that a $4 million employee bribe might help them keep their jobs for a little while longer. [NYO]
• Jeff Koyen likes the new Times Reader software. Jeff Jarvis does not. If you're still awake after reading those sentences, send us over some of whatever you're on. [Wired]
• CBS' Les Moonves wants to buy "the next YouTube." Probably a savvy move to wait until the current one gets sued out of existence. [Reuters]
• We sort of feel like everyone who watches Nancy Grace should kill themselves; can you guess what we think about her guests? [BG]
• When a guy cites the phenomenally successful "Times Select" model as an example of "where the industry will have to go," it's probably a good idea to discount the rest of what he says as well. [Barnako]

As the lonely New York Press continues to ride the shame spiral towards irrelevancy, new editor Harry Siegel is doing everything he can to extricate himself and HIS New York Press from that of former editor Jeff Koyen. And what better way to drum up some publicity than to trash Koyen in print? In his most recent column, retardedly titled "Bloomberg Koyenizes Gotham," Siegel strings together an odd metaphor about the uselessness of Mayor Bloomberg and the banality of New York city by comparing them to, uh... Jeff Koyen s editorship? Or is it vice versa? We can t tell.

We've asked our favorite media folk what they're thankful for this year, and they actually answered us. First up is former NY Press editor Jeff Koyen, who writes from the tiny Laotian island of Don Det, where the local beer is 80 cents per liter and the internet access is $6 per hour:

Yesterday, we linked to this piece on the new editor in charge of the increasingly- less- lovable- losers at the New York Press. And then, some comments started showing up.

Claiming that there's "only so much drugs a 35-year-old man should take," NY Press editor Jeff Koyen would like to append some minor corrections to Friday's report on the cancellation of their annual Summer Guide Party. The party, by the way, is still cancelled. (And 35? Eh, I lie about my age too.)

A NY Press reader subtlely voices his displeasure with Matt Taibbi's April 16th article, "Unfair Hike":

NY Press editor Jeff Koyen appears to have permanently turned his weekly editorial into a sort of personal journal. His "What I Did This Week" essay contains the usual "been hanging in Brooklyn bars" bit, more analysis of local 'zines, and another bizarre swipe at The Onion. (Yes, The Onion.) "New issues of two Brooklyn-based freebies showed up this week: Arthur and Jest. The first, though it's trying very, very hard, sucks hard; their previous issue was far more engaging. The May 2003 Jest, on the other hand, wasn�t bad at all. Last month, I slammed the ambitious humor zine after wasting my time looking for jokes and finding only a handful. The new one, though�not bad at all. (Even with their lil� dig at New York Press.) Though I think they should've included more of Joe's 'tardy comics, they hit the mark more often than not. With the Onion so painfully unfunny these days, they may actually have a chance at surviving in the market."
The Intro [NY Press]

NY Press Editor Jeff Koyen has a habit of making his editorials oddly confessional. This week's Random Fact About Jeff: "On the peak of my head, where the bones melded together during infancy, I've got a curious indentation. It freaks me out when I think of it, which is, mercifully, rarely. Though I've been assured that my skull did, indeed, fuse correctly and into solid form, it sometimes still gets me wiggly to think that a sharp pencil and a wee push could probably turn me into a retard."
Dirty money [NY Press]

The NY Press has released their list of "50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers," insinuating that the entire thing was based on reader preferences. So who do New Yorkers hate more than anyone? Keith Blanchard, apparently. Raise your hand if you know who Keith Blanchard is. Yeah, you don't count; you work in media. If you work in media, put your hand down. (Your co-workers are staring at you, by the way. Sitting there in front of your monitor with your hand in the air like that.) So none of the rest of you know who Keith Blanchard is, right? He's the editor of Maxim. This list should be re-titled "50 People NY Press Editor Jeff Koyen Hates." It includes pretty much everyone who was at one point considered an outsider or an artist and has since enjoyed some sort of mainstream success. But some of them really do deserve to be on the list: Carson Daly, That Guy in the Huge Calvin Ad on Houston and Broadway, Cocaine, Jack Grubman, David Rabin, Leona Helmsley, and Henry Kissinger in particular. (And why aren't we on their silly little list? We feel left out.)
50 most loathsome New Yorkers [NY Press]

More reader "corrections/appendices to rumors":

NY Press Editor Jeff Koyen goes afterof all people (er, publications)free weekly satirical newspaper, The Onion. "...there's some hope that [The Onion] may weather these tough advertising times and remain a welcome presence on the corners," Koyen writes. "[But] not if they keep fucking up." He then complains that they're using old material and that there are layout errors. "If this is the Onion's idea of an April Fool's joke, they're a little early. (Their current issue is dated March 20-26.) And it's a little lame. Editor-in-chief Robert Siegel refused to offer a comment leading me to believe it's either a fuck-up or a sign of crisis in HQ." At first glance, this seems a little odd, but Koyen has previously admitted that he has no actual sense of humor.
Stinky Onion [NY Press]

Jeff Koyen, the NY Press' new editor (imported from Prague) clearly wants to make sure his first editor's letter is memorable. An excerpt: "I never did fuck that 17-year-old woman. I'd call her a girl—"that 17-year-old-girl"—but in the Czech Republic, the age of consent is 15...I think of the Australian who said to me, 'just relax,' as she worked her index finger into my ass... The pinkie was fine, I told her... Being an ambitious type, she wanted to upgrade to a larger finger...And so I borrow from her as I address the readers of this, the third issue that bears my name and that of Alexander Zaitchik, my former co-editor at the Prague Pill: Just relax. And trust me."
NY Press [via Lockhart Steele]