Marc Jacobs and boyfriend Lorenzo Martone kissing while eating outside at Pastis ... Liv Tyler walking in the Village with her son ... Andre Leon Talley walking with Venus Williams while wearing peep toe shoes ... Keira Knightley taking a stroll with a friend ... Diane von Furstenberg chatting with a group of women at a Fashion Week event ... Claire Danes and Jada Pinkett Smith posing for pics in the front row at Zac Posen's show ... Tobey Maguire being followed by paparazzi while jogging on the street uptown ... Natalie Portman walking under an umbrella on her way to the Rodarte show ... Heidi Klum en route to Bryant Park ... Tyra Banks standing outside and surrounded by fans ... Blake Lively striking a pose in Bryant Park ... Agyness Deyn looking like she's about to trip while making her way into the Kors show ... Goldie Hawn exiting a store ... Jessica Simpson leaving her uptown hotel en route to the Letterman show ... Eva Mendes going somewhere in a hurry ... Ricky Gervais standing on a street corner and talking to a woman ... and Lindsay Lohan leaving a party, followed closely behind by Samantha Ronson.

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

Remember when Janet Jackson ripped her shirt off at the Superbowl and pressed her breasts against every television camera in the stadium and children wept blood for weeks (some died!) and God thunderously shook his head and sent us six more years of war and hurricane floods? It was a national tragedy to be sure, but it also made Janet Jackson sorta (in)famous again! Free, tit-baring publicity cannot be argued with. Now, ever the fame hungry Texan, Jessica Simpson—singer, reality divorcée, failing actress—has found a new nipple slip. The on-air ass slip! Yes indeed, Ms. Simpson was on the Early Morning, America... Today! show singing one of her new, laboriously be-twanged country tunes on an outdoor stage. Twas a windy day that chilly September morn, and a great breeze did sweep up under the young lass's skirt, exposing her bare bottom. Though you could really only see it if you could freeze frame it with your TiVo box or whatever. So thank God Nerve captured the offending screenshot. It begs the question though why Jessica would decide to eschew undergarments when performing live, outdoors, on a windswept day. Perhaps it was on purpose. She has long cultivated a dimbulb persona, so maybe this was all calculated. So first Janet Jackson's accidental titsplosion and now this. What could be next? Spencer Pratt rubs his junk on Larry King's face? Heidi Montag accidentally has sex with Brody Jenner at a live Hills reunion finale? The world waits anxiously.

Naomi Watts doing some pre-baby shopping with a friend in Union Square ... Sarah Jessica Parker taking a walk downtown ... Petra Nemcova walking into the Diesel show ... Rosario Dawson crossing the street outside Balthazar ... Julia Stiles shopping in the West Village ... Bette Midler hugging her daughter outside the Bryant Park tents ... Betsey Johnson walking through the rain in Midtown ... Jessica Alba carrying her baby ... Mary-Kate Olsen sitting front row at the Proenza Schouler show ... Adrian Grenier having lunch outside with friends ... Jessica Simpson getting out of a taxi with pal Ken Paves ... Kanye West and Jay-Z making their way into the Marc Jacobs show ... Natalie Portman showing up to the front row at the Derek Lam show ... Martha Stewart leaving Bryant Park after attending Marc Jacobs' show ... and Marc Jacobs and Victoria Beckham leaving the Waverly Inn.

Though Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff have been rivals for so long that no one can even remember how it began (wait, Aaron Carter? Really?), there's at least one thing the two starlets can agree on this week: their dads each need a serious time-out. In fact, while Lohan took to the pages of MySpace to chastise her father, Duff's received an actual sentencing: ten days in the slammer for poor parenting. Before we explore why, though, let's begin with the latest in the Lohan family psychodrama, which reached its boiling point this week when a fame-hungry Michael Lohan took to the press to denounce the woman who his daughter has "gone gay" for: Samantha Ronson. That didn't sit so well with Lindsay, who made a scathing rebuttal today on her Myspace celebrity blog:

Putting together a celebrity slideshow isn't for the faint of heart: just ask our own Molly McAleer, whose titanic work in the pursuit of compilations could kill a lesser man (and has — don't ask us about that intern in '06). So how do you survive filling out an eleven-page slideshow when your subject is that most rarest of species: celebrity virgins? Well, if you're an employee at Us Weekly, you cheat a little, padding your list with both non-virgins and non-celebrities alike! Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

Jennifer Hudson signing autographs for fans before filming a segment for Regis & Kelly ... Julianne Moore hailing a cab in the Village ... Rainn Wilson taking a walk downtown with a chick ... Jessica Simpson leaving the Ritz-Carlton on Central Park South ... Nas protesting outside the News Corp. building ... Eliot Spitzer taking a solo stroll uptown ... Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon holding hands while walking to dinner ... and half the socials in Manhattan at a goodbye party last night in honor of Rufus Albermarle.

In light of some breaking hair-related news involving future fugitive Katie Holmes, we must admit that we’ve underestimated the Scientology prisoner. As the Daily Mail reported over the weekend, Broadway’s least-alluring celebrity rookie recently chopped off even more of her already chin-grazing bob, and even dared to pull out those hair curlers in what could be the beginning move in a new strategy to finally flee the Knights of Hubbard. Though Kate’s "boyish" cut may backfire, it’s a clever plan nonetheless. Below, we provide five of the best examples of drastic 'do-caused catastrophes directly linked to highly publicized breakups, from Jennifer Aniston’s self-conscious bob that led to Brangelina, to Cameron Diaz’s unfortunate goth dye job that failed to inspire any future sex or love sounds from Justin Timberlake:

Click to viewIt's shaping up as a cruel summer for drunk, high or otherwise messed up celebrities trying to stay on the straight and narrow. Comedian Andy Dick was arrested this week for groping a 17-year-old's breasts while in possession of marijuana and Valium, in something of a reprise of his bust last year for doing blow in a nightclub. Actress and teen rehab veteran Drew Barrymore is now reported to have boozed her way to a breakup with actor Justin Long. Heather Locklear fled "depression and anxiety" rehab in Arizona after barely two weeks. Even a Rolling Stone, Ronnie Wood, surrendered himself to rehab again after leaving his wife for a 19-year-old cocktail waitress — and two bottles of vodka per day. Maybe all that summer daylight is pushing everyone over the edge! In any case, it's tough to keep track of who's where on the customary arc of high-profile substance abuse: embarrassment, criminality, rock-bottom desperation, rehabilitation and then either another trip around the circle or a break into the freedom of sobriety. That's why we've compiled a guide to once and future inebriated celebrities: 20 actors, singers, models and socialites who hog way more than their fair share of space in the gossip pages — and here on Gawker. We'll update and expand this list over time as a sort of encyclopedia of shame; your comments and tips are encouraged. (The arrows, by the way, indicate trends in drunkenness, so an upward arrow means getting drunker, downward means getting more sober.)

As we’ve noted in the past, Stinky master of predicting the future of love sounds Justin Timberlake isn’t quite on the level of Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce when it comes to comedy routines. After failing to elicit laughs at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame earlier this year, and trying out the rarely-cute attempt to evade relationship questions on Leno, Timberlake is evidently still fixated on proving he’s just bursting with comedic prowess. His latest stunt? Impersonating Jessica Simpson at the Timberlake-hosted ESPYs, airing this Sunday, by wearing a cheap blonde wig, standing in front of a cut-out of her daisy dukes, and making frightening facial expressions supposedly meant to resemble the time-traveling Tony Romo groupie. The good news? Despite these photos doing little to inspire even a smirk from us, we feel the need to point out Timberlake’s impressively hilarious impersonations of the past on Saturday Night Live, both as a tweaked out awesomer-than-thou Ashton Kutcher, and a far better Jessica Simpson impression years before:

• Alterna-socialite Arden Wohl was arrested for writing "Ralphy Lipshits" on the front of a Ralph Lauren boutique in lipstick. That's a variation on the designer's real name of "Ralph Lipschitz" and a dumb thing to do while wearing a headband (which, face it, she almost certainly was), which is probably the clue that allowed police to track Wohl down after she made her drawing. Oh, she also stole some miniature American flags. [P6]

Entourage hottie Adrian Grenier turns 32 today. Former mayor David Dinkins is 81. Jessica Simpson is turning 28. Gallerist Andrea Rosen is 46. Ex-Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal is 57. Times film critic Tony Scott is 42. Theater attorney Freddie Gershon will be 69. Web marketing guru Seth Godin turns 48. Social fixture Lisa Anastos is 40. And Jeffrey Greenberg, the former CEO of Marsh & McLennan and son of billionaire Hank, is 57.

Blake Lively's people are throwing a hissy fit over the Gossip Girl star's cover shot on this month's Seventeen. And before assuming this is just another case of some publicist overreacting and getting their La Perlas in a twist over nothing, one quick look at the cover in question actually makes us side with the flack this time. Lively's gone out of her way recently to make sure no one confuses her with Paris Hilton, but her puffy eyes, hollow cheekbones and vampire chompers on the Seventeen cover aren't helping her case. Which begs the question: why is it so hard for a magazine to shoot a decent celebrity cover? Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker are all recent victims of the same unflattering cover treatments, and all kinds of oddly unglamorous shots have hit newsstands for years.

Where is Jennifer Aniston? We've been asking ourselves that question for what feels like three whole days now. And we're apparently not the only ones. At a gig in Milwaukee last night, boyfriend John Mayer was pouring his heart into those Grammy-winning sobfests he calls a repertoire when the usual "I want your body!" and "Are you sure you're not gay!" yelps from fans turned from coos to catty. Reports People, "Several fans were overheard yelling 'Where's Jennifer?' and 'Bring Jen Out!' in between songs." Though Mayer got his revenge by boring the crowd to tears with a volatile hate rant against the Internet and all its "vulgar" ways, we couldn't help wondering how long the oh-so-serious musician will allow yet another tabloid-y romance interfere with his craft. Or is his craft only sustainable with the help of all these tabloid-y romances?

• The new 90210 just got a whole lot better because Shannon "My Career Will Never Die" Doherty is in talks to play Brenda Walsh. Oh Hells Yeah. [Perez Hilton]

• Is Madonna have a secret romance with Alex Rodriguez? The two have been spending late nights together at her apartment and they've been spotted working out together, too. Rodriguez's wife Cynthia can't be pleased by any of this. [Us]

After proving she had little to contribute to the film or starfucking industries, Jessica Simpson finally realized she should keep her pretty-but-pretty-dumb mouth shut for the time being and instead let her t-shirts do the talking, angering PETA in the process. Though the feisty baby seal saviors have their fair share of enemies, they've also impressively managed to get celebrity spokespeople like Alec Baldwin and Eva Mendes to embarrass themselves in public by demanding the public do drugs (Baldwin) or taking off their clothes in the name of fur (Mendes). So naturally, Simpson's public cry for attention irked PETA's most compassionate celebrity nudist, Pamela Anderson, who called her fellow talent-challenged blonde "a bitch and whore" on a radio show. But this is far from the first time Jessica has ruffled another starlet's feathers just by being Jessica. We took a look back at the many ways Simpson has made herself a household name not by selling records or movie tickets, but by starring in her own personal Catfights franchise.

Jessica Simpson has officially perfected the art of turning every opportunity to promote whatever is currently going on in her “career” into a public display of desperation. Ever since that gruesome Chicken Or Fish fiasco, we cannot think of a single time the game day curse has appeared on television without making a complete ass of herself. And Jessica managed to continue the pity parade on The View today. Dodging all questions related to her shockingly successful new country single, Simpson instead spun the interview into an embarrassingly blatant attempt to announce to the world how totally in love she and long-suffering QB Tony Romo still are. See Simpson hard at work, and tell us if we’re the only ones noticing a very eerie resemblance between the new Jessica and the bleached, gum-chewing, tear-drenched Britney Spears circa her “We’re just country, y’all!” era.

In a wide-ranging radio interview conducted before literally tens of adoring fans, Jessica Simpson seized the opportunity to clear up some outlandish rumors: namely, that stage father Joe Simpson is a little more hands-on than necessary. Said the newly-styled country singer to K-FROG (via Us Magazine):

OK! is the celebrity magazine that is the most willingly manipulated by celebrity flacks, which is really saying something. So it's perfectly appropriate that the magazine just promoted sleazy former celebrity uberflack Rob Shuter to its executive editor position. That's because Shuter is skilled at doing the two things that OK! is most famous for: lying on behalf of celebrities, and losing other people's money. Even he, the great fabulist, couldn't write a more sickening script than this.