No blog, talking head or alcoholic British songbird can compete with PETA when it comes to snark. For decades, the animal lovers have verbally beheaded countless starlets for their fur and snakeskin accessories, but only recently have their targets bitten back. After seeing a recent photo of plumper-than-usual Jessica Simpson sporting one of those so-last-season message t-shirts reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," we wondered how many of her peers have boldly set themselves up for one of PETA's trademark white powder massacres. Having called Nicole Richie "an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match," advising Ashley Olsen that "wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if [she] wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead," and telling Lindsay Lohan "there's no road to recovery for the foxes who are anally electrocuted so that you can look skanky," has PETA inspired any other starlets to publicly react just as vehemently? We take a look at the ongoing battles after the jump.

• Amy Winehouse performed for $2 million at an art gallery opening in Moscow, where she was either well-behaved and "totally lucid," or wobbling, sloppy, and not wearing underwear, depending on what you read. [Style.com/Rush & Molloy]

It's easy to forget that for every Hollywood Power List, there exists its neutered companion, the Hollywood Powerless List, filled with familiar faces who happen to be suffering temporarily—or in some cases terminally—from a career on ice. The most complete of these is the Film Threat Frigid List, but on the eve of their annual Celebrity 100 ranking—that "factors in both total earnings and an ability to generate buzz, as measured by TV, print and radio mentions"—Forbes now jumps into the chilled-celeb-ranking fray with a slideshow showcasing this year's "Drop-Offs."

We can say with complete confidence that we have never been more confused, astonished, entertained, and oddly turned on by a music video than we are today, when we witnessed the magic of Willie Nelson’s “You Don’t Think I’m Funny Anymore.” What sounds incredibly boring turns out to be a tasty Southern stew featuring cameos from Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Jessica Simpson, and Dan Rather. The casting kind of makes sense (Luke did that Movie That Shall Not Be Named with Jessica, Willie loves Jessica, Woody loves Owen, and Dan Rather is, well, available these days?), but whoever directed this clusterfuck of pool-hall scenes, lawn mower races and eerily quick flashes of an obese redneck wearing an “I (Heart) Owen” t-shirt has nevertheless managed to surpass Gondry in kookiness, surpass the Coens in suspense, and pretty much serve up the most bizarre clip we’ve seen yet this year. See what we mean after the jump. [People]

We have a feeling that, were there a group of deadbeat dads out in Glendale (a la those Dina Lohan-lovin' freaks out East) who got drunk enough one day to form a Totally Awesome Dads Association (TADA!), they would most likely celebrate their first-year anniversary by handing out their Bud Light-drenched award for Father Of The Year to Papa Joe Simpson. Why? Well, as we already know, the former minister-turned-dadager managed to pimp out a few mind-numbingly boring exclusive wedding pictures featuring most annoyingly faux-punk new marrieds on the planet, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, to People a few weeks back. But what we didn’t know was that, at the same time, Simpson was allegedly attempting to sell off his other daughter Jessica — not to the tabloids, but to then-boyfriend Tony Romo. See the astonishing managing skills this guy has? But he reportedly wasn’t stopping at selling off his daughter — he was also said to be pressuring the quarterback to sign a client/manager agreement and become one of the magically successful Simpson Family Players:

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Whatever’s going on between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer has thus far had all the standard Summer Fling ingredients: making out in pools, sunset dinners, word that psychopathic ex-girlfriends are drowning in tears and booze, and so on. But last night, the cougar and cad took their lovey dovey tour to New York, doing the double date thing at celebrity haunts and hiding out in cloudy cigar bars, leading onlookers to believe the new Demi and Ashton are having more than just fun in the sun. However, reports that John is “bored” already, combined with Jennifer’s alleged “clingy” and starstruck groupie behavior at one of his gigs have us worried that Aniston will be yet another tear-soaked ex on the crooner’s widdled down bed post...

When news that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer got together for a "touchy, feely" lunch date and dinner in Miami over the weekend broke, the entire community of celebrity observers and glossy magazine readers let out a big ol' collective yawn. Aniston has been linked to (and we're roughly estimating here) seven hundred or so possible paramours since her split with Brad Pitt, and Mayer has pulled what Liz Phair would call the all-too-common "fuck and run" on so many starlets that he earned Us's "Cad of the Year" award. But just because the gossip is yawnworthy doesn't mean there isn't a larger issue here: mainly, is Aniston really dating or trying to date all these guys-of-the-month, or is this charade her publicist's idea of spinning her post-divorce life into an unglamorous version of Sex And The City?

Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?

As proven by Lindsay Lohan, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a contemporary actress attempting to recreate the magic of an iconic 60s photo shoot. But while the just-rehabbed Lohan chose to recreate an infamous shoot featuring soft-core nudity, Jessica Simpson chose to ... shave her face? Don't get us wrong, we loves us some Verna Lisi, but this just doesn't have the same Wow Factor.

What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.

When we heard today that Christina Ricci instructed her trainer to give her Jessica Biel's butt for her upcoming role in Speed Racer, we too remembered our longtime fascination with Biel's hard bottom. Even though Justin Timberlake famously praised the back door of Kylie Minogue, we're sure he's doing just fine enjoying his current girlfriend's assets. And considering we've had asses on the brain since Gisele thrust hers into our face this morning, we decided to just declare this Hump Day, well, Rump Day. Herewith, we present our picks for the top five best butts in Hollywood. And not to worry ladies; we'll be sure to devote an upcoming Hump Day to the male stars with the most appealing cushions for pushing.

Singer/actress/Game Day curse Jessica Simpson was recently treated for a kidney infection at Cedars-Sinai, according to People today. Though her rep assures us she's been released and is doing just fine, our ears tend to perk up whenever we hear of a troubled starlet being rushed to the hospital for all kinds of issues, be they asthma attacks or a simple case of the Batshits. But this is the first time in recent memory that a celeb has attributed their hospital visit to the kind of condition one generally (well, pretty much always) associates with the joy of sex. We did a bit of research, and came up with our top three guesses on what (or who) sent Jess to the operating table, after the jump.

Can somebody in America please buy one of my daughters' albums? Please? Or at least do a little more than pretend to like them or go a step beyond liking them for various reasons of irony? Do you know how hard it is to make the change between the manager who just got off the phone with the record label to the cool dad who has to the break news that one of them is about to get dropped from their label? It's hard, real hard. Let alone hiding these irrational fears that I'm going to get fired by my own daughters? Can you imagine that being fired by your own flesh and blood? It could happen. The constant threat that keeps me up at night. That and Ryan Seacrest changing his phone number without him giving me the new number.

With Nicole Richie playing house for the next five minutes or so, Kim Kardashian having moved on to mall clothing endorsements and her own show, and sister Nicky entrapped in a brand new anorexia scandal, Paris Hilton has no one to play with. Not even her hypersexual litter of puppies. So she's prepared to do what Britney and Jessica Simpson did before her: pay someone to be her friend. Teaming up with MTV and Ish Entertainment, Paris announced the debut of her next reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, in which 20 lucky boys and girls will prove to Paris that they're capable of being loyal, trustworthy pals who won't try to feel her up or plan porny video attacks mid-party. As Paris herself put it, "[I am looking for] someone I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with." But what does the winner get in exchange?

Nick Denton to tips@gawker.com, Subject: John Mayer, How about a herogram? The guy's pretty talented musician. Seems to be able to handle fame pretty well. Deals with paps. And still seems normal! Okay, and he's hot too, but that wasn't the reason. Anyone a fan?

No, Nick. I'm not a John Mayer fan. But I will say that John Mayer is unfairly hated on.

First John Mayer started to grow on us (a little bit) with his skills handling the TMZ paparazzi and voracious autograph seekers, then he won us over (okay, a lot) when we saw him jogging on a yacht wearing green Borat butt floss tightly wound across his nearly perfect buttocks. And now, having penned a giant Fuck You to one of his exes online, he's officially convinced us that we were correct in falling head over heels for the guy after witnessing his rendition of "Chocolate Rain" on Best Week Ever. But back to the story at hand! Earlier this week, John had the following to say to Jessica Simpson one of his anonymous ex-girlfriends:

With only 111 theaters willing to show The Hottie and The Nottie, Paris Hilton's big breakout flick only took in $25,000 at the box office this weekend. As we mentioned earlier, the film's $225 per screen average was, by far, the worst of the weekend. When you couple this flick's performance with Jessica Simpon's recent Texas-sized disaster (not to mention the whole Crossroads fiasco and LiLo's stripper movie), it's become clear that public interest in vadge flashes, sex tapes, and gurney rides is inversely proportional to the public's appetite to plunk down $11 to see a ditzy poptard attempt to emote on the big screen. So what's a pair of talentless wannabes to do? Well, getting nude, ugly or even (gasp!) fat might be a good start.

A warning to all athletes dating insanely hot famous women: you might want to think twice about allowing your ladyfriend anywhere near your player's box on Game Day. During yesterday's Super Bowl, Fox repeatedly cut to shots of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen enjoying the game from the comfort of a luxury suite. Unfortunately for Brady and the Patriots, all that bouncy clapping and ear-to-ear grinning (perfect Chicklet teeth notwithstanding) just might have done more harm than good.

Does having a famous hot chick for a girlfriend make you totally suck at sports? This "Curse of the Babe" theory is being tossed around today by sports columnists, angry fans, and people who care about football only in the sense that it involves celebrities (that would be most Gawker readers). Tom Brady dates slobberlicious super model Gisele Bundchen. And the Post even reported they were sexing it up with sexy sex the week before the game! Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo went on a vacation with Jessica Simpson before his playoff game; he lost, of course. Are celebrity girls really cursed? Or is there a deeper psychological mechanism at work? We know the answer, which we will tell you now.