As the entire world has previously noted, Jessica Simpson isn't exactly the brightest bulb, nor the luckiest. A year ago, Simpson was being paid millions for tell-all articles in OK! Magazine, her mug (and tits) sashayed from glossy mag cover to coffee table books shot by Annie Liebovitz. Nowadays, the dimly lit "artist" has been forced to give interviews (for free!) to outlets like Video Business Online and, without any caring overseers to guide her answers, is giving quotes that surely won't help Blonde Ambition sell-through numbers. For example, "I think that people can have a misconception of who I am as an artist." Oh really now? [Video Business Online]

We know that we're only eight years into the Aughts, but we're pretty sure that Joe Simpson has got the Worst Father Of The Decade Award wrapped up. Ever since the sinister minister took the reigns of boobalicious daughter Jessica's "career" (which was like, on her 2nd birthday), he's managed to turn his dingbat cupcake into an oh-no-she-didn't laughingstock (ChickenOrFishGate 2004, anyone?), a divorcee at 25, and a has-been in the music industry. Oh, and then there's the rousing success story that was Blonde Ambition (still stuck at $6,422). The latest double-whack Joe's served to Jess include setting her up on a doomed-from-the-start fiasco of a relationship with Cowboys QB Tony Romo, who's since dumped her admittedly fine ass, and now, turning against the always Simpsons-friendly OK Magazine by (yes, really) handing them a "strongly worded letter" demanding a retraction.

Hot off the triumphant and record-setting B.O. run of "Blonde Ambition" ($6,422 and counting!), Jessica Simpson attempted to channel her patented blend of moxie and can-do spirit into being a dutiful girlfriend to new(ish) boyfriend Tony Romo, who just so happens to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Unfortunately for Romo and his teammates, Simpson's runaway success at luring everyday joes to our nation's cineplexes did not translate into good luck for America's Team yesterday. The Cowboys were eliminated from the NFL playoffs by the New York Football Giants, a team eager to prove their mettle in the last days before Giant Fucking Monsters attack the isle of Manhattan. Now Cowboy fans are directing their wrath towards Miss Simpson, claiming that her double Ds distracted Romo when he should've been preparing for the game. Um, duh? [US Magazine]

How many producers does it take to put out a Jessica Simpson disaster that earned $1,322 in its opening weekend and has racked up a whopping $6,422 over its first 14 days? Ten, apparently, including Simpson's dad, who probably personally bought the tickets that pushed the movie past the crucial $5,000 box office milestone. [Risky Biz Blog]

When news broke yesterday that the moviegoers of this great nation of ours had voted Lindsay Lohan's dead-stripper turn in "I Know Who Killed (My Career)" as the single worst performance of Anno Domini 2007, our reaction was laced with both sadness and shock. Sadness because we all long for days when the frecklecrotched wonder's biggest problem was her slightly jiggly thighs, shock because we could think of no fewer than six and no greater than seven performances that were CLEARLY worse than Lindsay's. What follows, dear friends, is that list (in descending order, no less)!

• Despite yesterday's DUI, 'OC' star Mischa Barton will still host a party in Vegas this Saturday. [Page Six]
  

After the Dallas Cowboys learned the hard way that Hollywood albatross Jessica Simpson's amazing abilities to induce failure extend from the multiplex to the football field, receiver Terrell Owens warned Simpson to skip a visit to the stadium and watch quarterback boyfriend Tony Romo from the safety of her living room: "With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away. Other than that, she was high on my list until last week...Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned." The NFL's leading endzone showman didn't elaborate on his exact plans, but he can expect heavy fines from the commissioner should he drop his pants and defecate on a Dukes of Hazzard DVD to celebrate his first playoff touchdown as payback for this week's embarassing loss. [FoxNews.com/AP]

Contrary to internet rumor, Jessica Simpson's latest movie, Dumb Blonde or something, won't be getting a straight-to-video release. It's going to be in theaters, like a big star's movie would! How many screens? 8, all in the greater Texas area. Congrats, Jess! [ET Online]

• Crooner John Mayer confessed to having long harbored a crush on Ricki Lake and got her digits. [Page Six]
  

The date: September 11, 12:45am
The place: 117 MacDougal Street
Sighted: John Mayer at Comedy Cellar helping his buddy who was bombing.

• LOL du jour: Britney's ratty VMA hair extensions were from Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves' product line. [TMZ]
  

They started dating last summer, and broke up this May. And now we hear that residents of John Mayer's building were treated to the sight of Jessica Simpson taking a morning ride of shame down the elevator this weekend. Whoa! Is this John Mayer's I'm-turning-30-next-month freak-out? Is this Jessica Simpson's latest manifestation of self-hatred? Is she going to get all chunky and brunette again? Why won't someone keep them from rekindling this terribly annoying liaison?

· What happens when a Photoshop contest asks entrants to combine half of one celebrity's face with half of another's? You likely never sleep again.
· "Club: Andy Dick groped, offended, urinated." Your point?
· You didn't think we'd let you get away for your long weekend without letting you know what Chad Michael Murray thought about K-Fed, did you? He likes him!
· Fine, so maybe Terrence Howard has some strange preoccupation with feminine hygiene and baby wipes. He also saved a Los Angeles magazine reporter from choking to death on a piece of sushi with the Heimlich maneuver. (But then insisted she dispose of the offending Unagi morsel with a hermetically sealed Wet-Nap.)
· There's something bothering us about Hillary Clinton and we just can't put our fingers on it.

"He once confused Jessica Simpson with Jessica Lynch. Hayes details how, when the vice president threw out the first pitch before a 2003 game between the Cincinnati Reds and Chicago Cubs, Cheney was first informed that 'Nick Lachey — a native of Cincinnati — would sing the national anthem before the game and would be accompanied by his girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. Cheney thought Simpson's name sounded familiar. He asked his staff: "Is that the soldier who was captured in Iraq?"' (That would be Jessica Lynch)." [Examiner.com]

The Associated Press reports that the Nielsen measurement service will change the way it tracks online viewing habits.

• Foxy Brown found out that her boyfriend was a pimp. Then she was attacked by a hooker who pulled out chunks of her weave and stole her hearing aid. What is next for Foxy? Can it please involve 'Flavor of Love: Charm School' please please please? [NYDN]
  

· Director Steve Miner is given the opportunity to exploit Jessica Simpson's prodigious acting talent in Major Movie Star, the story of an amazingly Jessica Simpson-like Hollywood bimbo who joins the Marines to prove that she can play the part of someone in the military. [Variety]
· Yesterday's overall-deal-granting insanity bleeds into today, as even the No.2 guy on Bones is getting seven figures for his writing and development services over the next two years. Gushed 20th Century Fox TV president Dana Walden as she stuffed handfuls of high-denomination currency into burlap bags emblazoned with cartoonish dollar signs, "He can write comedy, drama, character pieces, procedurals ... he can do it all!" [THR]
· Broadway casting shocker! Nathan Lane to star in a musical comedy. [Variety]
· Puzzlingly, the cast of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is grumbling about not being offered raises for next season. Don't these delusional ingrates know how easily they can be replaced by the cheaper talent that foams Dick Wolf's cappuccinos each morning? [THR]
· Little-publicized ensemble drama Ocean's 13 hopes to prove that labors of love can be profitable at the box office. [Variety]

Watch your back, Atoosa Rubenstein: there's a new Alpha Kitty in town, and she's got deeper blog-thoughts and, to be perfectly honest, a nicer rack. Would you like to see the giant, shiny pearl of wisdom, gleaned from intensive journaling and "spending some time in Europe" and "reading a book about Michelangelo," that Jessica Simpson has seen fit to share with readers of her blog?

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are still having breakup sex. [Page Six]
  

• Though Jessica Simpson's rep denies it, rumors are swirling that her dad Joe wants to svengali up Britney Spears. [R&M]