• More on the mysterious, disturbing birth of Suri Cruise: the baby was born at St. John's hospital in Santa Monica, and the family left just 12 hours later with a slew of decoy cars. Tom shut up Katie with a nice shot of the good stuff (an "epidermal shot," it's reported); the star is allegedly being asked to now hand over videos of the birth to Scientology elders, who will watch the footage over a nice tin of JiffyPop. [NYP]
• Jessica Simpson pulls out of a Vanity Fair cover story because the mag stipulated that she must talk about her breakup with Nick Lachey. Stupid girl — if she'd just do like Aniston and cry a little while wearing nothing but a men's white shirt, she could come out of this looking so much better. [Gatecrasher]
• Angry about not reaching Aiken-levels of pseudo-fame, American Idol runner-up Bo Bice lashes out at former New York Giant Glenn Parker. [Page Six]
• Marcia Cross drinks from $155 wine glasses. Out of necessity, of course. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• And the award for the most uncomfortable item of the year goes to Rush & Molloy, who pass along the insight that Bill Maher is "explosive" in bed. Shudder. [R&M]

Exer-ball infomercial spokesperson Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about exactly what went down in his divorce from Jessica Simpson, putting to rest any lingering uncertainty regarding rumors that their marriage was a played-for-the-cameras sham, that her manager/father is a meddling creep, and that Simpson was sleeping around. Turns out, the rumors were mostly true:

With a concerned Nick Lachey watching from afar as his treasured source of lifelong alimony payments is thrown into peril, the $100 million Jessica Simpson jeans lawsuit shows no sign of going away. A Defamer operative brave enough to go deep undercover as a manicure customer sends us this second-hand reconnaissance of a suspicious Simpson ass-photography session:

• Before she suffered abuse at the hands of Star Jones, Meredith Vieira had an abusive boyfriend to deal with. As she heads to the Today show, these serious revelations unfortunately do not help us forget that she hosts Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, would Soledad O'Brien be crazy enough to leave CNN to replace Vieira on The View? [Gatecrasher]
• More penny-pinching around AMI? After Celebrity Living crumbled last week, rumors swirl that Star and National Enquirer may be up for sale, and editorial director Bonnie Fuller's contract may not be renewed. If so, pity: We doubt her book sales will support Fuller's leather-clad lifestyle. [Page Six]
• Finally, a role up to par with Jessica Simpson's intellectual capabilities: she'll play CJ Parker — the character originally played by Pamela Anderson — in the Baywatch movie. [IMDb]
• If there's anything we don't want to imagine, it's Macauley Culkin musing on the literary life. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell drops out of Diddy's "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" after being told she wouldn't be able to beat opponents with frying pans. [Page Six]

Jessica Simpson is being sued for the outrageously large sum of $100 million by a clothing company that licensed her name for a line of casualwear, claiming she refused to properly endorse the sensibly priced duds in public:

Because it's Friday afternoon, and more importantly, because Brett Ratner's "protection" check just cleared, we're happy to pass along this unsubstantiated report of an unconfirmed catfight between Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson at the Dime last night, an act of starlet-on-starlet near-violence incited over—get ready for it—Ratner's attention. Says our tipster:

We knew that the Jolie-instigated trend of very public celebrity adoptions of foreign orphans was on the steep decline to tragic unfashionability when fading actress/recreational cosmetic surgery enthusiast Meg Ryan picked up her Chinese daughter and decided that it was OK to rename her any time a more suitably adorable moniker crossed her mind, further establishing the accessorization of rescued babies all over Hollywood. But nothing should kill the craze more completely than the public admission by Jessica Simpson's flack that his client is "exploring options," perhaps in Mexico, for her own quickie-family-building needs. We expect that the first Life & Style photo spreads featuring Simpson spray painting her new baby pink to match her favorite pair of Ugg boots is no more than six months away.

• Because a Mexican orphan is the best image makeover money can buy, Jessica Simpson is considering adoption. Next, she'll fuck Brad Pitt and swap vials of blood with Kofi Annan. [AP]
• In crazy heiress news that spans across the ages, 26-year-old Casey Johnson is accusing her aunt, Libet Johnson, 55, of sleeping with 38-year-old talent manager John Dee, who Casey claims is her boyfriend. Dee denies any relationship with Casey, but the rift between the Johnson women will not mend — not without a threesome, anyhow. [Page Six]
• After two years of sobriety, James Gandolfini is back to hitting the bottle. When adequately sauced, he can be seen licking young ladies' faces. [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolette Sheridan isn't doing any favors for Michael Bolton in the bedroom. [Scoop]
• True to form, rapper Busta Rhymes informs us all that he "fucking hates faggots." If that's the case, we'd love to know why he was seen in a diner full of trannies. [Page Six]
• Someone please, please tar and feather Sharon Stone. [Lowdown]
• Rosie O'Donnell reads Gawker Stalker — and shockingly, she's not fearing for her life. [Fox411]

Drudge Report

Somehow, even as we typed the words you know, the one's where we reluctantly admitted feeling a momentary, uneasy kinship with Jessica Simpson we just knew a reality check bitch-slap addendum was forthcoming; we just didn't realize how soon. Creepy Svengali/manager/chromosome-donator Joe Simpson clears things up:

Our assumption that Jessica Simpson spends the majority of her down time pointing and laughing at unflattering tabloid photos of a chunky, acne-beset Britney Spears turns out to be at least partially off-base: Simpson has been keeping busy visiting the capital in support of her pet charity cause, Operation Smile, which offers free plastic surgery to overseas children with facial deformities. Even more amazingly, Simpson managed to do what Robert Redford and Tina Turner could not: turn down an audience with the President.

• Nicole Kidman is questioned by the FBI, and reporters trying to write about Steven Seagal received death threats (presumably from the public.) [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson decides life is too short to spend an evening with intellectual inferiors. [NYDN]
• Lizzie Grubman and her future husband enjoy his-and-hers stripper table dances, plan to wed this Saturday in a secret undisclosed white-trash snubbing location. Do people still care about Lizzie Grubman? Isn't she sort of 2002? [Page Six]
• Candidate-for-sainthood Bono is apparently quite the gossip. Which is the polite way of saying that once you get an Irishman talking there's nothing you can do to shut him up. [R&M]

• Best actor loser Joaquin Phoenix is looking for a loft in Tribeca. Considering the dude's two twitches short of a breakdown, we think this could be a lot of fun. [Page Six]
• New York Oscar parties kind of suck when all the good people are actually at the Oscars instead. [Gatecrasher]
• Inspired, no doubt, by the butt-clenching success of Jake Gyllenhaal and Heat Ledger, Brad Pitt considers going Gay for an upcoming role. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Upon learning that the gift bags at a luncheon contain a $1000 diamond bracelet, Jersey girl Tara Reid swipes as many as she can. Life after Taradise ain't easy. [Page Six]
• Warren Beatty grills Lloyd Grove about his lovelife. [Lowdown]
• Jessica Simpson thinks the whole world is out to get her. Paranoia is so sexy, no? [Scoop]

We were getting a touch concerned for Nick Lachey first he's reduced to asking Jessica Simpson for spousal support, then we watched him stand on the sidelines as little brother Drew cha-cha'd his way into America's hearts. But Page Six reports that Drew's career is right back on track, with an exciting new TV project geared directly to the flabby insomniac demo:

• Is Britney Spears' baby-daddy Kevin Federline putting the moves on Jessica Simpson? If so, good for him — a man has to move up the totem pole to survive. [Scoop]
• Lindsay Lohan and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Yep, exactly what it says it is. Honestly, there's no end to this girl and who she'll take down with her. [Page Six]
• A federal court judge has ruled in favor of Kid Rock — and humanity — by blocking the sale of his sex tape with Scott Stapp. [R&M]
• Love in crisis: Rufus and Sally Albemarle reportedly split, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston still in question. And this concludes the only thing these two couples will ever have in common. [Lowdown]
• Riverhead axes its two-book deal with Fake Writer James Frey. Yeah, ya think? [Page Six]

• It was an emotional week for all of us: Life & Style declared the death of TomKat. As we try to wrap our heads around the implications of such heartbreak, it's important to keep some historical perspective.
• Meanwhile, we were faced with Us Weekly's gut-wrenching claim that Jessica Simpson is a ho, having cheated on Nick Lachey with Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine. Star calls bullshit on the scoop, because it's only true if your magazine breaks it first.
• The evils of pop culture know no limit: Meet the sex tape from Kid Rock and Scott Stapp.
• Budget Living is going, going, and, sadly, gone.
• But, as there's no justice in this world, Shop, Etc. continues to thrive.
• We fall in love with faggy Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir, only to have him break our hearts.
• Time Inc. finally ends the bloodshed, but we've yet to get the names of layoff victims.
• The people have spoken: the Funny Pages are not funny, nor have they ever been.
• First JT Leroy; now, possibly, Pete Doherty. Are all our antiheroes just a skeezy mirage?

• Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter denies that Simpson and Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine are a couple, and he will continue to make such denials until Simpson hooks a sweet deal to confess her sins to Diane Sawyer. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell destroys another assistant after the two have a screaming match on a British Airways flight. Thankfully, the falling-out was nonviolent and no phones were harmed in the incident. [Page Six]
• Desperate to secure his lock for Best Actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman reveals his past drug and alcohol problems. Unfortunately, by talking about how he's now clean and sober, he just alienated at least 2/3 of the Academy. [IMDb]
• The Kid Rock sex tape is apparently from six years ago, which would explain why any stripper would deign to touch co-star Scott Stapp. [R&M]
• The Gay Mafia shares dining space with Mike Ovitz at Blue Hill; alas, the former agent didn't end up in any cement blocks. [Page Six]

The celeb weeklies have clearly gotten bored with trying to scoop one another. This week they've also started calling each other liars. Yesterday afternoon Life & Style broke news that TomKat is splitting up; later yesterday afternoon Star insisted they're not. This morning Us Weekly trumpeted a report that Jessica Simpson was fucking Adam Levine even while she was still married to Nick Lachey; this afternoon, once again, Star calls bullshit:

The spanking-new Us Weekly isn't buying the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes breakup; in fact, it's not even on their radar. As a stunning fuck you to their celebrity weekly competition, Janice Min's gang is trying to trump the rumor mill with something they can actually prove: Jessica Simpson is a total skankbot. The magazine confirms rumors that Simpson has been more than just dry-humping Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine; their affair reportedly stretches back as far as 2004, continuing through the dying days of Simpson's marriage to Nick Lachey. After Simpson and Lachey separated, Simpson apparently returned to Levine's home at the Chateau Marmont:

Maybe Tom Ford did know what he was doing with Vanity Fair, just not with the cover. A gay man pretending to enjoy taking a bite out of a big ol' fake titty is about as Hollywood as it gets.
· Knowing that his Fat Clooney ploy might not finally land him an Oscar, George Clooney's working on some equally handsome-dampening looks for his next project.
· Headline of the day: Bening convincing as zonked-out killer.
· Even the Freakonomics guys are annoyed by Jessica Simpson: "On a separate note, another passenger on this same flight was Jessica Simpson. Without going into too much detail, I will say this: if you are a fan of hers who complains that the media unfairly portrays her as more obnoxious than she really is, you need to come up with a new line of defense."
· Finally, the Butterscotch Stallion returns to the tabloids.