• Lloyd Grove takes a fairly exhaustive look at what it's like to be Jessica Simpson at the VMAs. It kind of makes you sick, but then so did Dukes of Hazzard. [Lowdown]
• Then on Page Six there's the whole VMA pre- and post-party gossip rundown, which is almost as boring and lackluster as the actual VMAs. [Page Six]
• Anna Wintour's boyfriend's daughter gets a promotion at Vogue Vanity Fair (Like you're not totally lazy at your job?!). Is it still nepotism if you're not related except by gross, old person casual sex? [Page Six]
• Will Harry Morton propose to Lindsay Lohan? Will Lindsay Lohan accept? Will that rash ever clear up? [TMZ]
• A restaurateur in the Hamptons rescues Susan Lucci from a flooded convertible. Some fat lady in the midwest is so happy she's throwing a party for her million cats. [R&M, 2nd Item]

From TMZ, today:

• Are Jessica Simpson and John Mayer dating? Is Jessica's body a wonderland? Do daughters become lovers become mothers? Some other crappy innuendo-joke-laden John Mayer lyric? [People]
• Meanwhile, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo appear to be getting more serious about their relationship. Individually, they remain ridiculous. [Page Six]
• Brian Williams and Katie Couric have a competition to see who can have the biggest billboard. We can't wait to see who cares? [Page Six]
• Michael Lohan offers a detailed analysis of his prison-made editorial cartoon. That's funny enough. [Lowdown]
• Rush and Malloy say "The laughter has definitely gone out of Joe Piscopo's marriage now that the former Saturday Night Live star and wife Kimberly are divorcing." We say "Joe Piscopo was never funny." [R&M]
• "Rosie Drops Some pre-View Details." Retains all pre-View pounds. [TMZ]

We don't lightly link to another video clip of the same thing in the same day, but we are in the closing weeks of summer, and quite frankly, this is excellent no matter the time of year. We mentioned Diddy's new video blog, highlighting his just-awakened self. Above, the man rags on Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson for endorsing Proactiv acne treatment, which Diddy claims he's been "up on" for seven years, hence his "silky smooth cocoa butter skin." Oh yes.

Not everything backstage at the Teen Choice Awards was flowing as smoothly as in front of the cameras, where Kevin Federline was boasting in impressive iambic pentameter of his mad skills at spending his wife's money. The Us Weekly blog reports that co-host Jessica Simpson approached Britney Spears, the woman whose career drippings she once hungrily lapped off the TRL studio floor, and, mesmerized by Spears' gigantic belly-melon and accompanying pair of swollen milkfruits, asked her onetime rival if she could kiss the delicious outer shell of her latest happy accident. Spears responded with the fiercest, twangiest "Hell, no!" she could muster, a battle-cry for overly manhandled, extremely pregnant women everywhere. Perhaps it was a politically inadvisable maneuver, but it was the honest, instinctive response of a defensive mother who was aware Simpson had just spent the last week starving herself to fit into a dress, and who could very well have been hungry enough to gnaw through her protective epidermal layers and devour the nutrient-rich fetal contents within.

• Oh thank God, Brandon Davis is fucked up again. The drunken oil heir climbed on stage at a Miami club and told the crowd he'd written a special new song called "Firecrotch," just for Lindsay Lohan. Hope it's a B-side on Paris Hilton's single. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears to name her second child "Accident." That is, at least until the poor thing gets eaten by K-Fed's pet sharks. [Scoop]
• Jessica Simpson fires her agent after the poor soul dared to get in a fight with her father, Joe Simpson. [Us Weekly]
• This one's a stretch, but: Christie Brinkley's estranged, philandering husband Peter Cook is such a bad man, his son had to miss a Little League game. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern couldn't attend the funeral for his producer's father because girlfriend Beth Ostrosky broke her ankle. Whore. [R&M (2nd item)]

There's always something of interest in Bravo network's Andy Cohen's blog, where a Freaky Friday-ish scenario appears to have taken place in which a male, adult TV executive has magically traded bodies with that of a highly temperamental and starstruck 14-year-old girl. Take, for example, Cohen's recent musings on the subject of Jessica Simpson, which, surprisingly enough, weren't accompanied by margin annotations of the heart-encircled-'Mrs. Andy Gyllenhaal'-variety:

Consider the feud: It's the flame that fuels the blogosphere, the stuff that sells the glossy mags, the only reason anyone outside of barely legal dyslexic nymphets has heard of Doug Dechert. After the jump we take a quick look at a few of the feuds that have been happening this week and choose up sides.

• Just like Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she wants to start her own magazine, houseboy Kevin Federline says he'd like to start a publication that "comes out after all the tabloids." He'd call it The Real, and we're already vying associate editor position. [R&M (last item)]
• Are Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams leaving Brooklyn? Fucking Ratner, driving away all the good celebs. [Daily Telegraph]
• Kirsten Dunst manages to not get wasted at a recent Chanel function. When free clothes are on the line, the girl knows to keep her shit together. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson isn't helping OK! magazine's circulation: her most recent cover sold less than Vaughniston and Britney issues. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The National Enquirer EIC David Perel thinks there's a conspiracy theory against the magazine, run by an evil multi-celeb terror cell and led by Britney Spears and Kate Hudson. [TMZ]
• Steely Dan emerges from obscurity to accuse the makers of You, Me and Dupree of stealing from their Cousin Dupree song. [Fox411]
• CBS quickly goes about the business of erasing Dan Rather from its history books. [Page Six]

While you spent your weekend in the city's apocalyptic heat, watching the polish melt right off your toenails, the pretty people of higher tax brackets were flitting about the Hamptons, mingling with cryogenically preserved old bags by day and skanking about Hamptons-outpost versions of Manhattan's best cheese factories-cum-nightclubs by night. Early Sunday morning, Jessica Simpson was thus found in her natural habitat, the Southampton extension of the Pink Elephant (no doubt giving her mane 100 strokes of the brush before even leaving her SUV). Daily News photographer John Roca dared to take pictures of the young skanklet, sparking the rage of security guards. A routine scuffle ensued, and security confiscated the camera's memory card, which also contained photos from two other News assignments.

Amidst all the tabloid coverage of her divorce from Nick Lachey and her relationship to her svengali father, it's easy to forget that Jessica Simpson is, first and foremost, an artist: a mediocre, trend-trailing, completely forgettable recording artist. Her new album comes out at the end of August, but visitors to her website are treated to her new single—a catchy, 80s throwback that advocates treating life like one extended vacation, titled "Holiday." Except that she calls it "A Public Affair." (Here they are side by side: We defy you to tell the difference.)

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Kiefer Sutherland lingering for an uncomfortably long time in the deli meats section of your local market.

There's something refreshing about a celebrity who can quickly recognize, accept, then proudly claim their rigidly fated, D-list status. Take for example Kristin Cavallari, who has parlayed a stint on MTV's Laguna Beach, playing nothing more than a loosely scripted version of her spoiled, horny self, into a full-time career packed with all kinds of exciting opportunities to pick up Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds:

According to TMZ.com, Jessica Simpson has offered Nick Lachey a divorce settlement of "less than $1.5 million," an f-off number way beneath the 50 percent he's entitled to, with Simpson allegedly banking on the fact that Lachey will sooner accept the sum than engage in a nasty and embarrassing legal battle for his share of her earnings. Simpson's father/manager/creepy stringpuller Joe Simpson put in a call, TMZ reports, attempting to convince his former son-in-liability to take the money and run:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Bruce Willis accidentally tumble into a wormhole and pop out in 1985.

• After Paris Hilton's new BFF Brandon Davis hurled an a-bomb of videotaped insults at Lindsay Lohan (who, if you recall, has freckles coming out of her vagina), Lohan exacts revenge by using her tongue to massage the tonsils of Paris' ex, Starvos Niarchos. [Page Six]
• Now that Couric is leaving the Today show, publishers are hungry for her unauthorized biography. Ed Klein is foaming at the mouth. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, not content to be left in the morning show dust, Diane Sawyer makes a subtle, attorney-driven play for the World News Tonight desk. [Page Six]
• Brett Ratner would love to photograph nude women, particularly Lindsay Lohan's 7-foot-long clitoris. [Lowdown]
• Authorities have decided to prosecute "other" Baldwin brother Daniel on cocaine charges. He faces 18 months in jail and, for once, people knowing his name. [CourtTV]
• Jessica Simpson insists that she didn't fire her best friend/assistant CaCee Cobb. She fired a two-timing skank who wouldn't stop being friendly with Nick Lachey. [IMDb]

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you overheard Winona Ryder confide in a Barneys salesperson about her addiction to doing laundry.

• Denise Richards' divorce from Charlie Sheen is shaping up to be the sort of celebrity tempest that could make Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look weak. Now Sheen's friends are talking to the press — the more nasty opinions, the merrier! [Page Six]
• And while Denise Richards seeks solace in the arms of Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear opts for wound-licking courtesy of David Spade. [Us Weekly]
• When Rosie O'Donnell heads to The View, we'll be praying that she'll accuse Star Jones of pooping soup on-air. That's Emmy material. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Pete Doherty generously shares his needle with a fan. Who happens to be unconscious. If she ever wakes up, she'll no doubt appreciate the gesture. [Sun UK]
• Is Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter planting nasty quotage about Nick Lachey? Is water wet? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Daniel Baldwin is arrested for cocaine, making him the little-known but totally fun brother. [CourtTV]
• Let's make sure we get this right: We're not to cast our eyes upon George Clooney, but we are supposed to listen to his pleas for Darfur? Doesn't work that way, George. Let us stalk you, and we'll happily fight genocide. [ITV]

Nick Lachey's tearful testimonial to Rolling Stone about the end of his marriage—you know, the one that was poised to perfectly coincide with the release of his album and land him on the cover, but instead landed him on the front of RS sister publication Us Weekly working his best gay cruise billboard model look—has devastated ex-wife Jessica Simpson, according to an anonymous, yappy-mouthed "friend" of Lachey's:

Page Six reports that Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about the sad disintegration of his cherished reality show marriage because he was promised the story would run on its cover. But wily RS publisher Jann Wenner pulled a C-list bait-and-switch on Lachey, demoting him to the cover of his other publication, glossy rag US Weekly. What's more, Nick appeared on US shirtless and engaged in the classic gay personals photo cheat stance: arms crossed and folded, thereby inflating manboobs to maximum capacity.