· According to a poll, 9 out of 10 adults believe that the diverting clusterfucks resulting from celebrity scandals get "too much" news coverage. Expect the immediate cancellation of Entertainment Tonight, AH, The Insider, Extra, everything on E!, and the shuttering of Us Weekly, People, Star, Life & Style and InTouch as demand for gossip completely dries up in the oversaturated market.
· On the other hand, that unaccounted for adult from the poll thinks the amount of coverage of lunches attended by more than one lady Eddie Murphy has slept with is "just right."
· That person also loves the stories about the cute orphan Madonna adopted!
· Bratz, Underdog...Rainbow Brite?
· We really love us some Happy Foot/Sad Foot.

"Americans say the media is to blame for the saturation of celebrity coverage on TV, a new survey finds. The Pew Research Center for People & the Press said Thursday that 87% of respondents said celebrity scandals get way too much ink and airtime." Additionally, 93% are dying to know why Lindsay Lohan just can't get it together. [THR]

When we first saw this picture on Cute Overload we were like, "nah." And then we looked at this picture of everyone's favorite embattled former child star and started to see a resemblance. We think this is such an important issue that it should be put to a vote.

• Lindsay Lohan isn't going to be the new face of Louis Vuitton. Stealing their clothes at her Elle shoot might have had something to do with it. [Page Six]
  

· Did Robert Evans pony up some dough to give a little back-pat to his boy on Brett Ratner, Billion Dollar Director Day? You bet. Did Big Bob tear up a little when he picked up that Sharpie to write a nice note to a guy that's like a son to him? You know it, kid. [ad via Digital Variety]
· Did you really need an expert to tell you that celebrities feels so protected from life's problems by fame that they might not realize they have substance abuse problems until they've bottomed out?
· Inspired by Lindsay Lohan's recent, racially charged finger-pointing, HuffPo presents Great Moments In The "Black Kid Did It!" History.
· Trust us, don't click on this one.

Last week's wall-to-wall coverage of Lindsay Lohan's spectacular transformation from mostly harmless, self-destructive fun-time girl to alleged hostage-taking, assistant-stalking Denali drag-racer provided ample opportunities for various experts to weigh in on the degree of legal and career fuckage she may have suffered as a result of her latest DUI arrest. Today, however, Good Morning America largely eschews the opinions of so-called professionals in favor of those whose area of expertise is limited to a single pursuit: mindlessly consuming anything to which Lohan's name is attached. GMA's nonscientific, random sampling of I Know Who Killed Me ticket-buyers revealed a mixture of disappointment in the current product tempered by a delusional faith in the actress's abilities:

This weekend on CNN's "Reliable Sources"—one of television's only regular programs to examine how journalists do their jobs and how the media affect the stories they cover— took a look at the very important Lindsay Lohan DUI story. In a strident debate with Parade's Jeanne Wolf, Star Editor-at-Large Julia Allison insists that we're missing the real story: Lindsay Lohan is a reckless driver.

In the interest of bringing a small amount of closure to the Lohan-related events we've so exhaustively covered this week, we note the unsurprisingly low Tomatometer score for her cinematic sideshow I Know Who Killed Me, which, in fairness, reflects the opinions of only a small group of critics due to the studio's understandable decision (really, hasn't everyone suffered enough?) not to pre-screen it for the media. But to judge from this first wave of nearly unanimous negative reviews, not even the prospect of sharing an inappropriate laugh in a theater sparsely populated by fellow trainwreck fans is worth the price of a ticket.

In a development that was about as hard to see coming as an SUV swerving down a Santa Monica street following an all-night, rehab-erasing bender, the trio of hostages—who will heretofore be known as the Denali Three—claiming to have been in the vehicle with Lindsay Lohan during the high-speed chase that resulted in her DUI arrest are now threatening to sue the actress over the psychologically scarring experience. At a press conference this afternoon, the lawyer who helped the victims reinterpret their trauma as actionable offenses announced the grounds for a potential suit. Reports Access Hollywood:

Freaky Friday/Mean Girls director Mark Waters on the prospect of working with Lindsay Lohan again: "I'm certainly not going to be seeking her out until she gets her personal life in order. On a business level, most companies aren't going to want to take the chance making a movie with someone who is unreliable." [People]

Katie Couric wants you to remember that Lindsay Lohan is suffering from a serious illness: addiction. "Her biochemical state is exacerbated by the constant media attention.... This young woman's life is on the line, and that's not entertainment." It's compassionate yet direct insights like these that keep those 5 to 6 million people tuning in to Katie each night. [CBS]

This morning's "Today Show" featured an interview with the young men who were in the car with unrehabbable starlet Lindsay Lohan prior to her arrest. What happened that fateful night? The boys tell all. Except, you know, what the hell they were doing with her in the first place.

Early yesterday, we discussed how fearless celebrity newsmagazine Entertainment Tonight challenged us all to question the Santa Monica Police Department-sanctioned version of events we'd been spoon-fed since Tuesday morning, daring us to plumb the dark places in our souls that seduced us into assuming that Lindsay Lohan was the driver of the assistant-pursuing Denali and the owner of the cocaine-laden pants that were the actress's undoing. This morning, however, TMZ has interviewed three men who were along for the ride—both literally and figuratively—during Lohan's DUI meltdown, who share the story of their harrowing experience as hostages of the road-raging starlet. The Today Show has condensed much of the story into an easily digestible video package (see the clip above), but you'll want to read TMZ's four-part epic, dramatic scenes from which are excerpted here:

• Finally, the glorious offspring of Naomi Watts and greatest, most serious actor of our time Liev Schreiber is known to us: Alexander Pete Schreiber, 22.5 inches, 8 lbs 4 oz. Which is big. Because Naomi was pregs for like seriously 4 years. [Us]
  

· A special thanks to the Official Star Wars Blog for saving us the trip to Comic-Con to learn that Karen Allen is returning for Indy 4. Still no word on when they're going to announce Short Round's surprise involvement.
· The Lohan-Vac: for all your handheld, coke-hoovering needs.
· Al Jean picks out his favorite Simpsons guest stars of all time.
· Celebrity couples reproduce, just like Us!
· Rock of Love fans wanting to know more about the contestants' fine work in the adult film field might want to read this. [NSFW, at all. You've been warned.]

As we all undoubtedly realize, the tragic, coke-in-someone-else's-pants-related events of early Tuesday morning created certain challenges for the people behind I Know Who Killed Me, the Lindsay Lohan vehicle opening tomorrow that will henceforth be associated with her most spectacular meltdown to date. Still, the cast and crew soldiered on last night at a private premiere screening, refusing to be defeated by circumstances outside of their control. The Defamer Special Correspondent On Well, It's Not Like We Can Just Burn All the Film and Pretend This Never Happened filed this report on the event: [warning: some spoilers ahead]

Not since the advent of local news station KABC7's patented RichieTracker7000™ have reality-simulating tools available on the internet enabled us to immerse ourselves in a virtual world in which we can experience the defining moment of a troubled starlet's life, but this afternoon, the combination of AccessHollywood.com's Lindsay Lohan timeline map and TMZ's streaming audio feed of the 911 call that led to Lohan's DUI arrest allows us to once again disappear into the Celebutard Matrix. We recommend that the weak of constitution not attempt to follow the map and listen to the audio at the same time, as the psychological overload of becoming unstuck in time along the Lohan Self-Destruction Continuum while being anchored to the present by the anguished voice in the 911 call could result in a fatal aneurysm.

The truth-seekers of Entertainment Tonight, virtually alone in their principled quest to reject the anti-Lohan propaganda force-fed to the media by the Santa Monica Police Department, has started asking the uncomfortable questions about What Really Happened following the fateful high-speed chase of early Monday morning:

"Entertainment Tonight" correspondent Gina Glickman (billed as a "Lohan family insider") blows the lid off a conspiracy so wide-reaching that it may never fully be uncovered. That's right, someone was out to get Lindsay Lohan, who "didn't even know whose clothes she was wearing" when she was arrested for DUI. Here's the whole shocking tale.

"WHY are slutty, sleazy, boozy cocaine- fueled tarts still in possession of careers to blow while Don Imus is home? Why's jailbird Paris Hilton, maybe jailbird Nicole Richie, could-be jailbird Lindsay Lohan, should-be jailbird Britney Spears on front pages showing their crotches and their cracks while philanthropic Don Imus, who has raised so much money for so many causes, and was doing precisely the shtick he was contracted to do, is being penalized? Is this sane? Like the Don Imus style or don't like the Don Imus style, that mouth was signed to do just what he was doing and, yeah, he insulted a basketball team - but underwearless role models for our young people who are vomiting and passing out and making sex tapes and getting extra chances and more and more TV time are an affront to everyone." If you guessed "a crazy lady sitting on the stoop in a housedress ranting at passers-by," you are correct. We would also have accepted "Cindy Adams." [NYP]