Lindsay Lohan will be on the covers of both Elle and Maxim's September issues. Also, October's Prison Bitch Review. [WWD]

• Beyonce's fans disobeyed her orders not to put her onstage stair-tumbling in concert routine up on YouTube. Those jerks. It's here. [Page Six]
  

While yesterday afternoon's Lohan FuckageWatch focused exclusively on the legal ramifications of the regrettable incidents of early Morning morning, today we plunge the business end of our ice-cold Fuckometer into the haunches of her career to discover the degree of professional damage the actress may have suffered following her arrest. Today's NY Times liberates troubled-talent managing legend Bernie Brillstein from the "In Case Of Emergency Need Of Sound-Bite Concerning Self-Destructive Stars, Break Glass" container in which he patiently waits for a new crisis, and is repaid with this money quote about the Lohan situation:

When undisclosed circumstances of a personal nature prevented I Know Who Killed Me star Lindsay Lohan from fulfilling her promotional duties on the Tonight Show yesterday, the program's harried bookers turned to chameleon actor Rob Schneider, whose seamless transformation into the troubled starlet was so convincing that the studio audience seemed to have no idea that anything was amiss. Meanwhile, an embattled, post-arrest Lohan, beset on all sides by those willing to believe every lie spewed by the publicity-hungry Santa Monica Police Department before hearing her version of the story, reached out to the last fully adequite person in this accursed town: Access Hollywood b.f.f. Billy Bush. Her Blackberried words, as always, will move you:

Lindsay speaks, to that idiot Billy Bush: "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy." Good luck, babe. [Access Hollywood]

The folks at Radar provide a slideshow of how Lindsay Lohan's look has changed over the years.

Hollywood is full of sympathy for Lindsay Lohan after the starlet's latest arrest: "'I hope they put her in jail for as long as they can,' said Bernie Brillstein, whose company has represented John Belushi and Chris Farley. 'Maybe she'll realize how serious it is. I believe she's uninsurable. And when you're uninsurable in this town, you're done.'" [NYT]

• "According to a frighteningly observant mommy source, [Michelle] Williams was looking very late-60's Mia Farrow with her blond pixie haircut, wearing a striped lavender-and-black baby doll knit jumper and dark Ray-Ban sunglasses, and pushing a pink Maclaren stroller that contained her 21-month-old daughter, Matilda (clad in a simple red cotton dress, diaper and purple Crocs)." What, the observant mommy didn't get a peek at her bra strap to determine the color of her undies? [NYO]
  

· Typical: Ben's the one running around in the stupid corn costume, but Matt's the one getting all the press.
· Lindsay Lohan's recent streak of trouble calls to mind the heyday of one of Hollywood's most accomplished fuck-ups.
· Just because we feel like Paris Hilton's been a little starved for attention today, here you go.
· Popular Mechanics looks at how close science is to replicating some of Harry Potter's favorite magical toys.
· Here's a list of the six trippiest scenes culled from The Simpsons' long, proud tradition of drug humor. The Guatemalan Insanity Peppers clip is a fine choice for #1.

While we're all undoubtedly exhausted from the wall-to-wall coverage of Lindsay Lohan's combination DUI/coke-in-pants arrest, we would be remiss if we did not offer some discussion of the possible legal consequences of the troubled™ starlet's Denali-racing, second-assistant-stalking transgressions. Let the Lohan FuckageWatch begin with this excerpt from an ABC News examination of celebrity jurisprudence in a post-Hilton Los Angeles:

We just received an email with the ominous subject line, "Lindsay Lohan May Commit Suicide." It didn't seem to be from the TMZ publicist—they always know about these things!—so we were skeptical, but it turns out that the Christians might know even better than TMZ. That's right: Lindsay might commit suicide because she hasn't yet found Jesus. You heard it here first. The press release in all of its Godly glory follows—but first let's say thanks to TMZ for their 22 (OMG, now it's 23!) 24 posts on Lindsay today. This morning, we predicted that they'd only produce 21!

Your winning bid earns you not only control of SendLindsayToJail.com, but SendLindsay2Jail.com as well, two URLS sure to be in high demand in the aftermath of her DUI bust. Also, props to this entrepreneur's comparison of Lohan's now-infamous SCRAM bracelet to the futuristic headgear so memorably rocked by the The Empire Strikes Back's Lobot, an electronic monitor that kept the Cloud City servant out of Lando Calrissian's cherished supply of Colt 45. [eBay]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time Maya Rudolph's yakking ruined an outdoor screening of her boyfriend's porn-industry masterpiece.

Correcting the record on the widespread misdentification of the catalyst of Lindsay Lohan's boozy chase through Santa Monica as Lohan's "assistant," TMZ can now exclusively clarify that it was Lohan's second assistant whose firing/quitting was at the center of the brouhaha. Hold on, Lohan has TWO assistants? This matter definitely warrants further investigation. Developing! [TMZ]

· Marilyn's ne'er-do-well son, meanwhile, father Michael, says that for the good of his little girl lost, "Dina and I now need to put our legal battle aside," presumably to work full-time on undoing the permanent damage they've done not raising their daughter. [ETOnline]
· Lohan attorney Blair Berk released this statement: "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care." Rumors have it that care involves entombing the actress in a coffin-sized, "super" SCRAM device from which she'd be released on her 28th birthday. [Star Magazine]
· Happier times: Hours before her arrest, Lindsay is driven to hysterics by the wet-nosed investigations of either an eight-year-old fan, or Polaroid Beach House day-guest Andy Milonakis. [BWE]
· Everything old is new again! Especially when it's a video edited to make it seem as if Lohan is singing along to a popular radio hit about going to rehab. [iklipz.com]

By the time you read these words, Lindsay Lohan will already be back in rehab, but allow us to rewind a bit. At this morning's press conference at the Santa Monica Police Department following the DUI arrest, an intriguing wrinkle to the usual "troubled starlet gets drunk and coked up, then initiates a high speed chase" story was revealed: The panicked driver of the SUV being pursued by the actress was the mother of Lohan's personal assistant, whose resignation earlier in the evening seems to have precipitated the events that you will be reading about all day long. Reports the LAT:

Verdict: Not a good look. There's a reason Natasha Lyonne always kept her mouth shut in pictures. Also, what, does she drunkenly iron her hair at night? Related: For those keeping score at home? It is not even 10 a.m. in Los Angeles and TMZ.com is up to 16 Lindsay Lohan posts. [Image: Splash]

Personal assistant hunted by drunken, coke-carrying Lindsay Lohan! From L.A.-based City News Service: "In a hastily convened news briefing outside the police station, police Lt. Alex Padilla told reporters that another motorist — whom he described as the mother of Lohan's personal assistant — had called police on her cell phone and alleged that the actress was chasing after her in an SUV. [...] 'The other car was being driven by the mother of her personal assistant, who had just quit her job earlier... probably about a couple of hours before the incident occurred.... The mother then tried to make it here to the Santa Monica Police Department... The mother was afraid,' Padilla said."

In truth, the news of this morning's Lindsay Lohan arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine-laden pants should be a somber occasion, one where we're forced to reflect upon how fame can corrupt even the seemingly most stable of celebrities.