Finally, W has released the photo essay that documents the exact moments that Madonna met/fell for/sucked the soul out of 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. So, what have we learned?

Renee Zellweger and boyfriend Dan Abrams walking around on the Upper East Side ... Hugh Jackman having a picnic in Central Park with his wife and kids ... Daniel Radcliffe leaving Morandi on Waverly Place ... Agyness Deyn walking in the Village ... Kirsten Dunst smoking on the sidewalk ... Isla Fisher arriving at JFK with her daughter Olive ... Whitney Port getting coffee with City co-star Allie Crawford in the West Village ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her townhouse on Charles Street ... Lauren Hutton walking with a friend in the East Village ... Madonna, Guy Ritchie, and the kids heading into the Kabbalah Center ... Amy Adams arriving at JFK ... and Samantha Ronson leaving the Bowery Hotel.

• Tom Cruise tried to impress a group of reporters at a press event in Brazil by speaking Spanish instead of Portuguese. Nice one, Tom. [P6]
• Etta James is no fan of Beyonce. She told a crowd in Seattle that she "can't stand" the singer, and that she "had no business" singing "At Last" at Obama's inauguration two weeks ago. Oh, and she's "gonna get her ass whupped," if she keeps singing Etta's songs, too. [NYDN, OK!]
• Paris Hilton wants to date a "big-money man" in LA, but she isn't having much success finding one who's willing to be seen with her in public. [P6]

Rest assured, America: Lawless hippie dope fiend Michael Phelps will not get a pass from the brave sheriff of Richland County, South Carolina. Nor will A-Rod assert independence from Madonna without consequence.

• Bruce Wasserstein tied the knot with a "much younger Asian woman" two weekends ago, although details about the billionaire's new bride remain scarce. [P6]
• Alex Rodriguez is jealous and embarrassed that Madonna has been spending so much time with 22-year-old model Jesus Luz, since it makes him look like he got "dumped for a younger stud." [NYDN]
• The City's Jay Lyon—who was named Brent Tuhton until he changed it—has scored a record contract with Universal. [P6]
• Could Mark Badgley and James Mischka really be breaking up? Who is going to design our Oscar gown? [NYDN]

• Olivia Palermo and Whitney Port are "horrified" that MTV producers have been pressuring them to get into a physical fight at "work" for an upcoming episode on The City and they've even threatened to walk off the set if they're forced to participate. How principled! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan "stomped around" and "caused chaos" after finding out she'd have to sit in economy on a flight home from Tampa on Saturday. (She also told a friend to "come and visit me back there in case I die.") Horrified flight attendants eventually found her a seat up front. [Fox News]
• Things seem to be heating up between Madonna and Jesus Luz. Also, she took the model to brunch at Macelleria on Sunday, so you know. [DM, NYDN]
• It looks like Julie Janklow's new paramour is none other than surfer Scott Murphy, who split with Marci Klein back in December. [P6, previously]

Sometimes you just want to be left alone. Michael Phelps reportedly tried to pay to make pictures of his bong hits go away; John Mayer wants a lower profile than Jennifer Aniston offers.

What kind of post-divorce boytoy do you get for the female superstar who's had them all? In Madonna's case, you go straight to Jesus (reinvented—as is her wont—as 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz).

• Kate Moss has been telling friends that she wants to branch out into acting so she can become a "Hollywood star," and that she's already lined up an agent in New York. [Showbiz Spy]
• Michael Phelps has issued an apology after photos appeared this weekend in the News of the World showing him smoking weed. [NYP, NOTW]
• Bernie Madoff's grandkids are considering changing their last names. [P6]
• John Thain was hardly the first or the last: Clive Davis, Martin Bandier, and Rolf Schmidt-Holtz have all spent obscene amounts in recent years to redecorate their offices, too. [R&M]
• Despite the fact her magazine is losing millions and has laid off dozens, Portfolio's Joanne Lipman insisted on flying first class to Davos. [P6]

Gaunt Jewish mysticist Madonna is bringing her Guy-less brood back to New York where she looks to ruin the marriage of Brooklyn Cyclone's mascot Sandy the Seagull. [ES]

• Martha Stewart is so distraught over the death of her chow chow and her break-up with Charles Simonyi that she's been adopting cats left and right (and throwing them parties, too). Or at least that's what the National Enquirer says. [NE]
• Brooke Shields says the Lipstick Jungle stage manager who stole props from the set swiped cash from her wallet, too. [NYDN]
• Amy Winehouse's house in London was robbed yesterday. [People, The Sun]
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons have finalized their divorce. Good thing, too, since she's pregnant with Djimon Hounsou's baby. [Us]
• Kanye West employs a resident "shoekeeper" to keep track of his 450 pairs of shoes, which is what you'd do, too, if you were Kanye West. [The Sun]

• Is Jennifer Aniston planning to steal the spotlight away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the Oscars by showing up to the ceremony with John Mayer and with a ring on her finger? Maybe! [Star]
• Alex Rodriguez either spent last weekend hanging out with Madonna at Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld's East Hampton mansion, or he spent it partying with Bill Clinton and Spike Lee in the Bahamas, depending on what you read. [P6, NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan's rep says LiLo can't be anorexic since she "ate two full meals" during a recent photo shoot. It's settled! [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow's mom says 800 people have already joined her daughter's Tribeca gym, which hasn't even been finished yet. [NYDN]

• Hope you're ready to go through it all over again: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, and Kristin Davis have all agreed to participate in a Sex and the City movie sequel. [Us]
• Graydon Carter should really consider writing a nutrition cookbook: It seems Madonna's secret to eternal youth is the salmon with lentils at the Waverly Inn. [L&S]
• Still more drama from the inaugural festivities in DC earlier this week: Chris Matthews got pissed about having to wait on line, Sharon Stone was annoyed she had to co-host a segment on CNN with D.L. Hughley, and Halle Berry went into panic mode after her dress got caught in an escalator. [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow was spotted on a flight doing yoga in the aisle recently. Is this becoming a trend? [Star]
• Charges against Mathias Guerrand-Hermès have been dropped. [NYDN]

• Giuseppe Cipriani hasn't been seen in New York for months, but he says that has nothing to do with the handful of investigations now underway, or because he's banned from the US. He's just "busy" and says he'll return to New York "soon." His son Ignazio has been busy, too. The 20-year-old has been charged with third-degree assault for beating up a limo driver outside 1OAK back in December. [NYP, R&M]
• The latest man to fall into Paris Hilton's clutches: She was was spotted at Sundance making out with MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe. [P6, NYDN]
• Prince William's girlfriend, Kate Middleton, may be planning to move to New York to take a job in fashion, thanks to advice she received from Tom Ford and Anna Wintour. [Daily Express]
• Maureen Dowd threw a big party on Sunday eve to honor of David Geffen. In attendance: Tom Hanks, Jeff Zucker, David Katzenberg, Ron Howard, and George Stephanopoulos, who knocked over a tray of martinis and left the party red-faced. [P6]

In 1979, a hirstute Madonna posed nude for Lee Friedlander. You can buy the photo for an estimated $15,000 at Christies, just in time for Valentine's day. Or just look at it for free. [Christies]

Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld heading into the Waverly Inn, where they had dinner with Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow ... Paul McCartney signing autographs on the street ... Liev Schreiber pushing son Alexander in a stroller and carrying groceries ... Agyness Deyn walking in the East Village with a cup of coffee ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley on the set of Gossip Girl ... Heather Mills shopping with daughter Beatrice and boyfriend Jamie Walker ... and Salma Hayek arriving at JFK with daughter Valentina.

Everyone is trying calm down before the weekend. Courtenay Semel totally made up for setting Casey Johnson's head on fire. Madonna tried to not be a demanding, terrible ball-buster constantly.

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading to Sundance together. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie spent time at Madonna's apartment on Tuesday. Not because they're reconciling, but because Madonna's daughter Lourdes insisted on it. [NYDN]
• George Soros has a new "friend," a model 50 years his junior named Kate Gibbs. This is what she looks like, just in case you're curious. [P6]
• Book agent and man-about-town Luke Janklow and his wife, Sweetiepie owner Julie Janklow, appear to be headed for divorce. [P6]

It wasn't a joke: Gwyneth Paltrow really is planning to open a gym with her personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, the same woman responsible for Madonna's freakishly muscular arms. Paltrow's publicist tells the Daily News that the gym will be located in Tribeca. But don't expect to see Gwynnie in person when it eventually opens: When she went on Oprah last fall with Anderson, she said her "favorite gym in the world" was the one located in her own home. [NYDN]

Claire Danes bundled up on a walk in SoHo with boyfriend Hugh Dancy ... Kate Hudson leaving her apartment in the West Village ... Taylor Swift leaving her hotel en route to an appearance on SNL ... Sarah Jessica Parker getting in a Prius outside her Village apartment ... Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon standing under an umbrella after leaving Japonais on East 18th Street ... Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber unloading luggage from an SUV in front of their NoHo apartment ... Elisabeth Hasselbeck posing for photos on the sidewalk ... Madonna leaving the Waverly Inn with photographer Steven Klein, shortly before Kanye West turned up ... and Katie Holmes and Suri boarding a helicopter at the West 30th Street heliport.