• Lindsay Lohan wants a break from whatever it is that she does for living. [MSNBC]
  

Despite flack Liz Rosenberg's smokescreen disavowals, it would appear that Madonna's Mission of Mercy™ to the impoverished African nation of Malawi also doubled as a baby-shopping spree, as the AP is now reporting that the latter-day, cone-bra'd Christ figure has signed all the necessary paperwork to adopt a motherless toddler:

• It's official, still: Madonna bought a kid from his dad, filed papers for adoption, and saved Africa from the "evil eye." [AP]
• In a surprising move that suggests he actually gives a shit about making his marriage — and weekly allowance — last, K-Fed tells Britney that she can't have any male dancers in her new video. [Scoop]
• During yesterday's taping, Jennifer Aniston tells Oprah that she and Vince Vaughn are still an item. Oh please, baby Jesus, let this love last. [People]
• While trying to outrun paparazzi, Angelina Jolie's driver hits a teenager on a motorbike. Made the kid's day, actually. [E!]
• Sienna Miller forgets to bring ID to a Pittsburgh bar and resorts to pulling a Polonsky. [Page Six]
• We can't quite ascertain the relevance of the following, but did Eleanor Roosevelt chow box with Amelia Earhart? And can you say "chow box" in reference to historical figures? [R&M]
• Donald Trump ruins Palm Beach skyline with giant American flag. [Page Six]

Like most people, we've found the whole Madonna-adopting-a-Maliwian-boy intensely distasteful on so many levels. But who, we wondered, would correctly articulate our discomfort? Step forward Andrea Peyser of the Post, whose sour visage should somehow become a recognized emoticon for the wagging finger. In calm, emotionless prose, Peyser makes her case against Madonna's - wait a sec, we're just now reading the whole thing and HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Despite initial denials from Madonna's publicist, various Malawian relatives of the alleged newest addition to the Ciccone-Ritchie household claim that the adoption of one-year-old David Banda is proceeding apace. Madonna's publicist, Liz Rosenberg, earlier tried to finesse the adoption thing as Madonna's metaphorical adoption of Malawi in general. But Banda's father says his son will be "very well looked after in America," though he will make "regular" trips back to Malawi so as to "know his roots." (Apparently the little tyke won't be welcome in Madonna and Guy Ritchie's London home.) In response to the Bandas' joy, Rosenberg robotically intoned, "I am unable to make any official statement at this time," before self-destructing in a shower of sparks. Expect wee David and family to manifest a well-financed public silence very, very shortly.

The mystery of whether or not late-to-the-party Third World do-gooder Madonna has in fact adopted a Malawian orphan continues to deepen. Initially, Reuters reported that she had called ahead and requested that officials ready a selection of orphaned boys from the AIDS-ravaged African state, one of whom she'd take home with her. Dutiful flack Liz Rosenberg quickly discounted the story, claiming Madonna's trip was purely a charity mission and that she had no plans to adopt. Now, a Malawi father tells the AP that his semi-orphaned son was in fact the lucky one-year-old plucked from a destitute existence of famine and disease to lead a life of almost inconceivable privilege, albeit tempered with the regular humilation of having a mom who insists on picking them up from soccer practice wearing nothing but cameltoe-baring leotards:

• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie just might have called a truce, as the two dined together at a steakhouse last night. Figures Paris would take Nicole to someplace with food, where Paris could back her into a corner with all sorts of caloric manipulation and threats. It's like having a sitdown with Superman in a room full of kryptonite. [TMZ]
• Okay, so maybe Madonna did adopt a Malawian boy, despite her publicist's denials. UK rag The People says that if the boy exists, his name his Luca. And he lives on the seventh floor. [Page Six]
• Is Penelope Cruz a lesbian? If so, it might explain her willingness to work as Hollywood's most popular beard. [R&M]
• Four months after the fact, Page Six learns of Keith Olbermann's ex-lover's blog. [Page Six]
• It doesn't matter how much you pay Lindsay Lohan — if she's hungover, she's not going to show at your event. [SMH]
• For his final column, Lloyd Grove goes out with a bang: Horace Mann students use their Facebook profiles to write mean things about their teachers. Sigh. We're gonna miss you, buddy. [Lowdown]

· Someone at The Office thought it would be cute to get the cast and crew to do a dramatic reading of Jenna "Pam" Fischer's recent "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" piece for Esquire. And you know what? It's pretty damn cute. Especially the stuff about getting blown by Lindsay Lohan.
· If you're 16 and famous and get knocked up by your 19-year-old boyfriend, is it a mistake, or are you just mature and trying to get a head start on raising a family?
· Pittsburghians might be a little too touchy if they actually give a shit about what Sienna Miller thinks of their city.
· You know what? If you have to unhinge your jaw to eat a burger, it's too fucking big. [via Tabloid Baby]
· Malawi's attention whore officials are really sticking to their adoption story, even though Madonna's publicist says she has no plans to wrap up one of their babies in magic red string and take it home.

• Jimmy Buffett is busted in France after customs discovers around 100 hits of ecstasy in his luggage. His flack claims that it was only 20 pills, and they were prescription medication — but Buffett agreed to pay a fine, which doesn't make sense if his stash were legal. No word on why authorities searched him in the first place, but it probably had something to do with all those glowsticks he was waving around. [Page Six]
• We wouldn't put it past Andy Dick to hit on his 18-year-old son. [Lowdown]
• Let's reiterate, for a third day in a row, that Madonna is not adopting a child in Malawi. She's just sprinkling orphans with Kabbalah water. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria bruises a rib, which is only slightly more tragic than breaking a nail. [R&M (bottom)]

• To reiterate, Madonna did not adopt a boy during her visit to Malawi to help AIDS orphans. But since the Malawian keeps telling everyone that she did, you can bet she won't be back anytime soon. [Page Six]
• After putting Neosporin on her ego, former NBC News Anchor Mary Alice Williams heads to CBS to be Katie Couric's writer. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Richie breaks up with Brody Jenner after he offers her a potato chip. [Us Weekly]
• Tara Reid reportedly has her breast implants removed and liposuction scars touched up. So the next time she gets bombed and falls out of her dress, the image of her tits won't make you cry. Or not as hard, anyhow. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria ditches Tony Parker for the loving embrace of AC Slater. [Scoop]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal finally spits out Peter Sarsgaard's child, a baby girl named Ramona. [R&M (bottom)]
• Kim Basinger is arraigned on charges of contempt after ex-husband Alec Baldwin sells her out with a list of custody violations. Honestly, we look forward to the day their daughter is old enough to buy a gun and shut her parents up once and for all. [TMZ]

• Guess who's back on the sauce? Mel Gibson, that's who. There's no way he could get through the high holidays sober. [Scoop]
• Contrary to reports, Madonna did not adopt a baby boy in Malawi, nor does she ever feel the need to stoop to that Jolie bitch's level. [People]
• Cobble Hill! Park Slope! Grups! Coffeehouse turf wars! We hate Brooklyn! [Brooklyn Papers]
• Promoter of overpriced social functions turns to promoting overpriced charity water. [NYSun]
• NYC Google office functions as mid-90s-flashback goatee farm. [PSFK]
• The Times' Freemason Article Quota is satisfied. [Animal]
• It's our third O'Donnell mention in a single day, but Rosie's totally up in the Pope's grill. God forbid, literally. [WND]
• Crystal meth: untapped marketing tool. [Towleroad]
• For every question you ask Warren Beatty, he'll take 15 minutes to answer. This doesn't reflect his thoughtfulness so much as his senility. [The Reeler]
• Suspected Project Runway cheat takes to MySpace comments boards for his self-defense. [Blogging Project Runway]
• Every time a model falls, and angel gets his wings. [TMZ]

Enduring pop icon and Savior-incarnate Madonna has made good on her promise to heal, school, and feed 1000 Malawi orphans, an African country she carefully chose by shutting her eyes and stopping a spinning globe in the drawing room of her English manor house with a lucky riding crop. But not satisfied to merely ensure the children receive the proper care and a Kabbalah-centric education, the singer, who landed in the capital city of Lilongwe for the first time today, has picked out one lucky orphan to call her "mom":

With NBC being pulled from all sides over the crucifixion number in their upcoming broadcast of Madonna's Confessions Tour—the Catholic League on one side urging the network not to air what they interpret to be a reckless act of blasphemy, the Official Madonna Fan Club on the other insisting the entire disco-torture sequence would fall apart without it—Madonna has finally spoken out on her exact intentions:

• In a LAPD investigation into the robbery of Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, his pal Paris Hilton tells an officer, "Like I really...I don't remember. I'm not like that smart." But at least you're smart enough to know it, honey! [Page Six]
• Consider this the start of our unofficial campaign against Jack Nicholson: after having to read about him having a three-way, now Rolling Stone has a whole cover story on how sexy the man is. Is anyone actually looking at him when they write these things?! [RS]
• Freelance photog Larry Birkhead, who is supposedly the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newborn child, denies getting paid for doing his recent slew of interviews on infotainment shows. On the contrary, the proverbial insiders say he's making bank. And so what? Isn't this modern family built on exploitation? [Lowdown]
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson venture to a public venue, and now OMG THEY'RE TOTALLY IN LOVE AND GETTING MARRIED AWW. [People]
• Basic Instinct and Showgirls screenwriter Joe Eszterhas spreads his dirty-old-man gospel. [R&M]
• Drew Barrymore bounces, disappoints. [TMZ]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie fight over games of Scrabble. At least she's acting her age. [Sun UK]
• Brent Stirton has been revealed as the "super-secret" photographer who snapped those pricey pics of Brangelina and Shiloh. Nice job, dude. Pity you couldn't come out until your moment had long passed. [PDN]

Eh, it'll probably be funnier than 30 Rock.

If you're a normal human being, you probably come on here needing an Hipstetta Stone to decipher all the ironi-cool hipster jargonacular (maybe vernargon is better?). Blue States Lose is helpful, but fortunately for you (and us), someone directed us to this video that provides way more than we need to know on Leigh Lazark, and, um, those two other guys responsible for MisShapes.

This afternoon's entertainment news headlines on the CNN.com homepage seem to confirm our fears about the current trajectory of Madonna's career: After half-assedly crucifying herself on a bedazzled cross, a desperate-to-shock Madonna really had nowhere to go but in-flight German scat videos. At least the authorities are keeping tabs on her latest attempt at forced outrageousness.

• At least someone is trying to keep Madonna's lesbian cougar tendencies in check. [Liz Smith]
• Heidi Klum and Elle McPherson wage war over nickname "The Body," not realizing that the rest of the world just thinks of them as "old." [Lowdown]
• Matt Dillon is just as big of a schmuck in real life as he seems in his movies. World unimpressed. [Page Six]
• "Actor Stephen Baldwin is the born-again, George Bush-loving Baldwin brother, but who knew he's also a fan of threesomes in the bedroom?" You mean besides anyone who saw his movie Threesome? Also: gross. [Lowdown]
• Old Jew hears about success of David Cross impersonator, makes adjustments for age, becomes Larry David impersonator. [R&M]
• Dave Navarro no longer in love wit a stripper. [CNN]

• The people have spoken. [Animal]

• Are Madonna and Guy Ritchie headed towards a divorce? And is floating such rumors part of new Observer owner Jared Kushner's hip-and-cool mandate? [Daily Transom]

• Speaking of J-Kush, homeboy was definitely not a team player last night when he missed the Observer's very first softball game, which they won over the alpha-males at Trader Monthly. Too bad three interns died from dehydration before the fifth inning. [Daily Transom]

• Today's Post, summed up in a single sentence: "Mel, Mel, Mel, do you mind if we call you sugar lips, Mel?" [NYP]

• We suspect former Sun columnist Pranay Gupte lives for little more than a soapbox; here's why he got fired from that other job. At least it doesn't involve signing your co-workers up for a dating service. [Pranay Gupte]

• And back to Madonna again, whose next reinvention will be in the form of Angelina Jolie. [Time]

• OMG CRISIS HEAT CLOSES TRADER JOE'S NO THAI LIME & CHILI PEANUTS FUUUUUCK! [Curbed]

• Mel Gibson provides the perfect opportunity to get wasted on company time as a part of an "investigation." A round of tequila shots in the name of journalism, please! [TVNewser]

• Just another tea party bay-by, two doped-out preppies going cray-zy. [You Tube]

There comes a moment in every aging pop icon's life when, amidst one of their more spectacularly mounted bids to remain relevant, they look out among a sea of worshippers as they hang from a giant, mirror-encrusted cross, and think to themselves: "Is this it?" For Madonna, that moment is now, as she tells Time magazine that she has finally found a "big, big project" through which to focus all the strange, foreign impulses she's had over the past couple decades to, like, do something for someone besides herself: