• Yes, former N'Sync member Lance Bass — formerly known as the "one that wasn't Justin" — is out of the closet. Go and watch video footage of him being gay! [TMZ]
• After going into false labor, Britney Spears realizes she needs to "cut down on the Cheetos." She needed to go to the hospital for the tip-off? Wouldn't a mirror have sufficed? [Scoop]
• John Edwards sucks up to Russell Simmons for the African-American vote, accompanying him to his daily Jivamukti Yoga class. If there's one candidate we could tolerate in a downward dog, it would have to be Mr. Sunshine. [Lowdown]
• Tori Spelling won't even inherit a million dollars of her late father's $500 million estate. It's suspected that Tori's bitchtastic mother cut her out of her father's will, leaving poor Tori to survive on 90210 residuals and So NoTORIous peanuts. [Us Weekly]
• Christie Brinkley's philandering fourth husband Peter Cook once refused to give Alexa Joel, Brinkley's daughter with Billy Joel, a ride home at 11 PM. Cruel — god forbid she ride with her father at that hour. [Page Six]
• Madonna must shit only where no one has shit before: she requests a brand-new toilet seat, wrapped in plastic, at every venue where she performs. [R&M (last item)]
• B. Smith, "the black Martha Stewart" (is that an oxymoron?), is jockeying to replace Star Jones as the token woman of color on The View. [Page Six]

• Could it be that Madonna is considering parting ways with Kabbalah? The Independent, which is slightly more respectable than the 3 AM Girls, reports that Madge is said to be "wearying" of the red string and its effect on her family and her wallet. But can she bear to abandon the countless retard celebs who have followed her example? [AFP]
• AdAge's Media Guy, His Crankiness Simon Dumenco, celebrates the one-year anniversary of his column with one of the more sincere pieces we've seen out of him (it looks great on him!). He's learned a few things in the past year, mostly that no one likes Bonnie Fuller or James Truman and that blogs make mainstream media lazy. Consider it etched in stone. [AdAge]
• If you're footing the bill for Fido to get to doggy day care via the Pet Taxi, then why the hell do you even have a dog? Will you pay someone to pet the poor thing for you, too? [BW]
• Lindsay Lohan (or so we assume) returns to the loving, blind vice arms of Ted Casablanca's column, in which we learn that true security guards cut your lines for you. [E!]
• The most unintentionally hilarious picture of Hillary Duff. [Goldenfiddle]
• Time Out New York celebrates summer with the next level in drinking games: an eight week boozy scavenger hunt across 24 different venues. Our drinking game piggybacks on this: take a shot every time a participant in the TONY game gets their stomach pumped. [Fishbowl NY]

• Lachlan Murdoch sells 11 Spring Street for an undisclosed sum. That's it. He's gone. And so the dream of carrying his baby in our waiting womb dies. [The Real Estate]
• When Corcoran starts using babies to sell multimillion-dollar lairs, it's time to get those tubes tied. [Copyranter]
• Vogue warhorses so old, senile that they enjoy Devil Wears Prada. [The Watcher]
• Rob Havrilla reviews Madonna on her disco cross: "Holy shit. This is my professional reaction. Holy shit." [VV]
• Robert Downey Jr. has signed a deal to write his memoir for HarperCollins. It'll be just like A Million Little Pieces, but true. [USA Today]
• Seth Mnookin punches a teddy bear. [Seth Mnookin]

Amidst all the tabloid coverage of her divorce from Nick Lachey and her relationship to her svengali father, it's easy to forget that Jessica Simpson is, first and foremost, an artist: a mediocre, trend-trailing, completely forgettable recording artist. Her new album comes out at the end of August, but visitors to her website are treated to her new single—a catchy, 80s throwback that advocates treating life like one extended vacation, titled "Holiday." Except that she calls it "A Public Affair." (Here they are side by side: We defy you to tell the difference.)

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

• Heather Mills McCartney did not take part in pricey orgies with Arabs because she was a call girl. She did it for free, and for the love. [R&M]
• Madonna ends her friendship with Britney Spears because of Spears' flight from Kabbalah. Also because she's incompetent white trash. And that scrunchie ain't helping, either. [Scoop]
• In regards to said scrunchie, Spears tells Matt Lauer she's a "wreck." Oh, we know, honey. [IMDb]
• Jack Black and wife Tanya Haden present the world with newborn baby boy — but because of that Shiloh bitch, nobody's going to make a dime. [Us Weekly]
• Oprah Winfrey makes an appearance at producer LA Reid's 50th birthday party, but when Harpo goes out, she goes large, partying at Nobu 57 until 2:30 in the morning. And you just know she was surrounded by hos, bling, and Cristal. [Page Six]
• Costume designer Patricia "Don't call me Betsey" Field quits The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing, reportedly because of Alec Baldwin's behavior and intolerable hirsuteness. [Lowdown]

• Madonna signs a deal with H&M, under which she and all of her crew will be outfitted with a complete H&M wardrobe for when they're off-stage. You know, when no one will actually cares what they're wearing. [AP]
• Harry Potter mastermind JK Rowling has been named the greatest living British writer in a UK magazine poll. Huh? We expected this sort of outcome from Americans, but not the Brits. Salman Rushdie, Zadie Smith, Ian McEwan cry into their pillows. [BBC]
• Just in time for summer, surf's up at the Williamsburg waterfront! Don't forget your syringes! [YouTube via Curbed]
• Fader magazine releases its entire issue on podcast. Paper — and reading, for that matter — is so provincial. [Fader]
• The Times' Kate Aurthur flees the coop, joins the LA Times as its new television editor. [LA Observed]
• Microsoft hires Demetri Martin for its upcoming campaign. Poor guy. [SPI via The Apiary]
• Angelina Jolie actually understands latitudes and longitudes. Good for her. [Us Weekly]
• Useful advice on how NOT to get murdered when thrown out of a club. [Clublife]

· If you were a tiny person living inside Rosie O'Donnell's head, this is what the Madonna concert would have looked like to you.
· Utterly unnecessary headline of the day: Jack Bauer Saves Day on Finale of '24'
· Franklin Ave. nominates "Ryan Seacrest impersonator" as the worst job ever, but we're pretty sure the guy who had to yank him out of that glass table has a worse gig.
· Hey, unicorns!

• Brad Pitt announces that his baby with Angelina Jolie is "imminent." Really? Did he just figure this out? What tipped him off? Did Zahara tell him? [CNN]
• Former Nanny Fran Drescher tells Howard Stern that she'd love a career in New York politics. Too bad not many people would willingly listen to her while she explained her platform. [Cityrag]
• Times mag on May 7; New Yorker on May 15; the Times today. It's official: the Dog Whisperer is overexposed. [NYT]
• Al Roker goes to Philly and gets a face shot. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• Got a hipster band but no success to speak of? Strong arm your way on the Misshapes playlist with a Joy Division cover. Ian Curtis = cash money. [My Old Kentucky]
• In LA, Madonna kicked off her world tour in fine form: by hanging herself from a giant disco crucifix. Those $400 tickets are going to be worth every penny. [AP]
• Kelly Ripa smells like fish. She won't tell you why, but we've some guesses. Nothing a little Summer's Eve can't fix. [BWE]
• Attention ladies and gays: looking for love? Try riding the subway between 5 and 6 AM, when the male/female ratio is 9:1. [Graphpaper]

Not one to be overshadowed by The Da Vinci Code's strong showing at the global box office this weekend, Madonna made sure to remind the world who's boss when it comes to heresy-drenched pop spectacles by mounting herself on a massive, mirror-tiled cross (picture courtesy of Towleroad) at last night's tour kick-off at The Forum. (A venue, interestingly enough, owned by the Faithful Central Bible Church.) A stunned, rapturous crowd of Gays quickly fell silent as her dutiful, Vogueing background dancers drove glowsticks through her palms and into the glittering crucifix with stacks of money. The throng was disappointed, however, when they learned they'd have to wait three days and pay an additional $400 a ticket to see the end of her act, when the dancers will roll away a one-ton sequined boulder, and she will emerge reborn from an onstage tomb at the Staples Center.

• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton stop disappointingly short of bitchslapping one another on Friday night. Don't worry — soon enough, they'll destroy one another and turn to white dust. [TMZ]
• Barbra Streisand and James Brolin actually talk their way into getting free movie tickets. Even more offensive, they were for M:I:3. [Lowdown]
• NBC's new line-up looks dismal; as punishment for the continued suckage, entertainment chief Kevin Reilly will likely take the fall over Jeff Zucker. That's what you get for not converting. [Page Six]
• Director Brian Grazer is a fan of what some call mantling: placing a framed picture of yourself amongst your hosts' other pictures. [R&M]
• Madonna is spotted in LA without her wedding ring, fueling more speculation about the state of her marriage with Guy Ritchie. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a romantic hot tub full of Kabbalah water. [Scoop]
• Ja Rule's posse is so dedicated, they'll even slap his bitches for him. [Page Six]

· Can we get all the Cruise-related leftovers into a single sentence? Let's try: Tom Cruise threatens to shoot down planes, makes a crazy person cry with joy, is being stalked by three Dutch supermodels, has a surname that inspires horrible puns, and is one of the world's most popular muses for psychotic fan art.
· There was certainly a time when the phrase "Madonna to appear topless" seemed sexy, not desperate. But that time is long, long gone.
· This makes us hope that the NFL never returns to LA.
· Breaking! Courtney Love tries on clothes!

• The publication and paychecks have moved on to a better place, Cargo's moderately crappy swag lives on. [601am]
• Nick Sylvester offers the world's most incoherent explanation of what happened with that little mess he made at the Voice. It makes more sense if you get stoned before you read it. [Riff Central]
• Highly entertaining Jane editor-at-large Jeff Johnson steps down, presumably because of creative wanderlust. [Fitted Sweats]
• Alas, poor Krucoff travels all the way to the Javitz Center only to learn that the auto show lacks the sufficient skin-baring car sluts one would hope for. [Young Manhattanite]
• A new affliction: "Afflufemza," the condition of uncontrollable vomiting in regards to phrases like "motherhood is hot right now." [Powell's]
• It took just 10 minutes for every gay man in Manhattan to go broke buying Madonna tickets. [NYDN]

• ABC is rumored to be eyeing Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton as Meredith Vieira's replacement on The View. Heaton is a right-winger, which means Elizabeth Hasselbeck won't be as necessary to the mix, and she may be booted for Fuse VJ Marianela Pereyra. Back to Survivor for you, Lizzie. [Page Six]
• That being said, we wonder how much Heaton and Pereyra paid for the above item. [NYP]
• There's a reason you're shelling out $384 for a ticket to see Madonna: she's got to cover the costs of having the entire floor of hotels all to her lonesome. [R&M]
• Those who worked with kosher caterer Arthur Schick say he would physically grab people and force them to clear off tables — so the idea that he incited a Hasidic riot really isn't so far-fetched. [Lowdown]
• Jennifer Aniston goes apartment-hunting in Chicago, calls herself a "fighting Illini." [IMDb]

• Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Not content with a mere nipslip, the actress goes for a full-on cheekslip at the Kids' Choice Awards. Chances are, kids didn't choose to see celebrity buttflap. [IDon'tLikeYou]
• Tom Cruise conveniently pushes back his forthcoming marriage to Katie Holmes, delaying the nuptials until after the baby is born and Mission Impossible 3 premieres and hell freezes over. [AP]
• Madonna is reportedly looking for a home in Safed, Israel, where Kabbalah was born and the bathtubs run with blessed water. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Rosie O'Donnell knows that Star Jones poops soup. Yeah, you heard her right. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• After realizing nobody really cares to see her naked or listen to her speak about Israel, verbally incontinent actress Sharon Stone decides to hit the recording studio. [Page Six]
• Spiderman star Tobey Maguire looks to buy in the West Village — now that he's supposedly lost the weight, Manhattan will greet him with open arms. [Lowdown (3rd to last)]
• Thanks to your parents and other out-of-town guests, Tavern on the Green is the highest-grossing restaurant in the country. [Page Six]
• A crazed "fan" confronts Howard Stern and girlfriend Beth Ostrovsky — even more frighteningly, we're pretty sure the fan did not use Gawker Stalker to find the couple. [NYDN]

• The latest stanza in the ballad of Tomkat: Holmes and Cruise may have already been married by the Church of Scientology while at sea. Honestly, do we fucking care if or when or how they were married? We just want to see Katie take off that fake belly! It's been huge since her 9th week! [R&M]
• Are we the only ones that didn't know the "Larry" half of the Wachowskis — the duo behind the Matrix trilogy and V Is for Vendetta was transgendered? God, Hollywood is confusing. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove stuffs a pillow over Keith Olbermann's face after the cable news host derides Grove's poor fluffer, Katherine Thomson. [Lowdown]
• Supermodel Adriana Lima says she's a virgin until she's married. We're still waiting for scientific proof that you can date Lenny Kravitz and Derek Jeter and not have sex with them. [Page Six]
• Madonna maintains youth cred by making obscene gestures in her since-edited music video for Sorry. Alas, flashing all the victory meat in the world can hide disco crow's feet. [Scoop]

• Publisher Jann Wenner ties pregnant Us Weekly editor Janice Min to her chair; she'll be staying there through the duration of her labor. No demerol when there are deadlines to be met! [Page Six]
• O.C. starlet deems Paris Hilton a "silly bitch." Finally one of these young Hollywood types gets something right. [Scoop]
• Hugh Grant fights off the paparazzi, one blurry cameraphone pic at a time. [R&M]
• The illustrator for Madonna's children's book The English Roses, Jeffrey Fulvimari, is attacked in Chelsea. There's a Kabbalah joke in here somewhere, but we haven't the will to find it. [Lowdown]
• Kid Rock defends his honor by suing the company trying to distribute his sex tape. Considering Scott Stapp is the co-star, we're thinking the suit is for defamation of character. [Detroit Wonk]
• Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz, the Polish housekeeper who stole from Robert De Niro and Candice Bergen, gets sentenced to three years in jail. Upon her release, she will only be allowed to work for D-List celebrities. [IMDb]

• Madonna reportedly celebrated her Grammy performance by heading over to Cedars-Sinai for hernia surgery. Yes, she is human — and Kabbalah apparently doesn't protect her from intestinal bulges. [Page Six]
• Dina Lohan and daughter Lindsay reportedly have a public spat about Lindsay's partying. Mom's tired of staying out until dawn, but Lindsay just can't go out and blow rails without supervision. [Page Six]
• The wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban reportedly looms near. No clue if the ex-Thetan is invited, but here's hoping. [PC]
• Paris Hilton's forthcoming album contains a song about her falling-out with Nicole Richie. As you can imagine, it's lyrically powerful and emotionally potent. Just like herpes. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Edie Falco, who wore no makeup for her role in Freedomland, leaves a showing of the film, unable to stand her de-spackled face. [Lowdown (3rd to last)]
• Bill Clinton suggests that perhaps VP Dick Cheney should not have shot his friend in the face. We miss you Bill. Come back. [R&M]

• If Madonna wants to open the Grammys, she's going to open the Grammys — even if it means bumping Mariah Carey out of the slot. If these two were to actually brawl it out, the sheer bitchitude of their contact would make the recording industry spontaneously combust. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton impersonator Natalie Reid is so much like the real thing, she even worked as an $800/hr escort. [Page Six]
• Ivanka Trump splits with socialite Bingo Gubelman, citing irreconciable name choices. [Lowdown]
• Ashlee Simpson insists her father's not a control freak — he even lets her shower and shit all by herself. [IOL]
• David Burke tortures Fashion Week models by offering them all sorts of tasty snacks. The cruelty of Bryant Park knows no bounds. [Page Six]

• It's amazing that Boston still has a New York City complex, especially when they can showcase fashionable trendsetters like this. It's as if the Sears catalog had its own version of the Look Book. [Boston.com]
• Joe Sexton ascends to Metro editor at the Gray Lady, presumably because he knows "every surviving beer joint within ten blocks of Times Square." [Romenesko]
• While the Mirror caught Madonna appearing "ropey," Hello! catches her looking rather nice at the exact same event. We don't know which glossy hackhouse to believe. [Hello!]
• You stay classy, Williamsburg. [Williamsboard]
• So does this mean Trent Reznor no longer wants to fuck anybody like an animal? [TMZ]
• Country singer Kenny Chesney might not be a gay cowboy after all. He's just be into haggard, old flight attendants with a slight case of the nutsies. [Good As You]
• Just before they turn the lights out, The Black Table eeks out one last list of maniacal beer reviews. It's easier to say goodbye if you're blackout drunk. [BlackTable]