You know that actress Maggie Gyllenhaal? No you don't, because she doesn't exist.

How do you get American citizens to care that they are being surveilled by their own government? Have a bunch of celebrities film what feels like a movie trailer about sinister forces of darkness. It's the thriller of the year, ya'll.

We take our hats off to Sarah Jessica Parker who wore the most insane contraption on her head. Check out the latest episode of Gawkerazzi as we make fun of Scarlett Johansson, Maggie Gyllenhaal and other stars with easier to spell names, and pick apart some celebrity Halloween costumes, too.

Maggie Gyllenhaal lends vibrators to female friends. Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon say their adultery is "like a fairy tale." Kendra Wilkinson describes "sex on a jet ski." Wednesday gossip likes to share.

Here's a trailer for the bawdy new period sex (historical period, grossies) comedy Hysteria, about the invention of the vibrator. Mr. Claire Danes himself Hugh Dancy plays a young man tasked with calming the nerves of hysterical women by, well, giving them the big one.

Those of you who weren't converts already will gaze at this one image, this first image from the movie (sorta) and you will realize. Also today: TNT does something wholly new and exciting and Ben Affleck's outta the Hamptons.

First the cowboys, and now the dinosaurs. Well, actually the dinosaurs probably came first, timeline was. But whatever. The aliens are coming for 'em, and a big movie is in the works! Also today: Alec Baldwin does something smart, Al Pacino does something dumb, and, of course, Hunger Games.

Britney Spears (or her imposter) might be a big stoner. Halle Berry's boyfriend gets in trouble with the law. Charlie Sheen tracks down his hooker-snatched watch. Saturday Gossip Roundup is backing over paparazzis like it's Grand Theft Auto IV.

Today at Gawker.TV, Bill Cosby accuses Meredith Vieira of pooping her pants, Maggie Gyllenhaal's fetishes, real-life superheroes, Joe Jonas on Hot in Cleveland, and the girl who faked out the internet with her "dry-erase board quitting" gives her first interview.

Maggie Gyllenhaal stopped by The Late Late Show to promote her new children's movie, Nanny McPhee Returns, instead she and Craig went on tangents discussing raunchy things like her admiration for firefighters and her embarrassing misuse of sexy British slang.

[Maggie Gyllenhaal leaves a "medical building" in Los Angeles yesterday; image via INF]

You silly goose, the celebs don't freeze their asses off in Utah for the movies, it's for the free crap. Parkas, jewelry, electronics, ski goggles, and Muscle Milk Light for everybody (famous)! Yippee! [Image via Getty]

Lindsay Lohan eating dinner last night at Cipriani Downtown with a group of friends (one of whom was hotelier Jason Pomeranc, left) ... Reese Witherspoon taking in "a business lunch with friends" at Cookshop on Tenth Avenue ... Jessica Simpson shopping with her mom ... American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi carrying gifts in Midtown ... Alexa Ray Joel posing for a pic outside The American Hotel in Sag Harbor alongside her mom, Christie Brinkley, and grandmother ... Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard wearing hard hats for Tuesday's dedication ceremony for the Signature Theatre Company's new Signature Center ... Catherine Zeta-Jones arriving at the Walter Kerr Theater on West 48th Street ... and Sarah Jessica Parker walking with Matthew Broderick in the West Village yesterday.

Cate Blanchett walking through the slush with sons Dashiell and Roman after a trip to Barnes & Noble ... A bundled-up Catherine Zeta-Jones walking her dog on Central Park West on Sunday ... Jessica Simpson getting out of an SUV yesterday and later shopping in Midtown with her mom ... Maggie Gyllenhaal arriving at the Late Show with Dave Letterman ... Britney Spears leaving Townhouse Spa on West 56th Street on Sunday and catching a flight at JFK yesterday ... Race driver Jeff Gordon talking a walk ... Eva Mendes eating dinner at Locanda Verde on Greenwich Street on Friday evening ... and Ashlee Simpson attending a performance of Shrek the Musical on Friday, and walking around downtown on Sunday.

Maggie Gyllenhaal turns 32 today. CSI star Marg Helgenberger is turning 51. Singer Diana Krall is 45. Actress Martha Plimpton is 39. Retired pitcher Dwight Gooden turns 45. Olympic figure skater Oksana Baiul is turning 32. Actress Lisa Bonet is 42. Dean McDermott, the husband of Tori Spelling and co-star of the couple's reality TV show, is 43. Nobel prize-winning novelist José Saramago is 87. And the New York Post is celebrating its 208th birthday today, apparently.

Olivia Palermo holding hands with boyfriend Johannes Huebl in the West Village ... Liev Schreiber carrying son Sasha on his shoulders downtown ... Andrew McCarthy on the 86th Street crosstown bus ... Hilary Duff shooting scenes for Gossip Girl with Penn Badgley and Jessica Szhor in Chelsea ... Matthew Broderick walking son James to school in the Village ... Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard eating lunch outside at Cafe Gitane on Mott Street ... Matt Damon walking to the set of The Adjustment Bureau ... Wyclef Jean standing outside Vento Trattoria on Hudson Street ... Vanessa Williams and Michael Urie shooting scenes for Ugly Betty ... and Naomi Watts leaving the Schoenfeld Theatre.

Amy Sohn's new book sure does have some some hot dish: Sean Penn's bad in bed, Robert Downey Jr. cheats, and Kate Hudson is an evil bitch... in her mind. The celebs don't care, but the New York Post does!

• Madonna's adoption appeal was "adjourned indefinitely" by the chief justice of Malawi's Supreme Court yesterday. Fair enough. After all, would you let a woman dressed like this adopt your child? [Reuters]
• Gisele Bundchen was seen leaving an OB/GYN's office yesterday with Tom Brady, which may mean she's pregnant, or may mean nothing at all. [P6]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard tied the knot in front of 40 guests in Italy on Saturday. [Us]
• Bebe Neuwirth is married, too. She married Destino vineyard founder Chris Calkins in a Buddhist/Christian ceremony at The Players Club on Gramercy Park. [P6]
• Rihanna has cancelled her comeback concert in the United Arab Emirates. The reason? "Poor timing," she says. [Sun]

No one is attending this party tonight except everyone. Plus: John Mayer is single and Maggie Gyllenhaal isn't. And lots of people from the '90s are still totally relevant!

• Is Madonna leaning on her friends to hire boy-toy Jesus Luz so he can remain in the country legally? It's possible! [P6]
• Tyra Banks is expected to take the stand this week at the trial of the man accused of stalking her and threatening her staff. [NYDN, NYP]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are sending their attorneys after the couple's former bodyguard to ensure he doesn't write a tell-all about life in the Brangelina home. [NYDN]
• Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault had a second wedding in Venice this weekend; guests on hand for the occasion included Anna Wintour, Ed Norton, Stella McCartney, Bono, Charlize Theron, Woody Harrelson, Lucy Liu, Penelope Cruz, and Javier Bardem. [NYDN, People]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt tied the knot this weekend, too, although the event featured fewer A-listers and many more MTV cameras. [People]