♦ Not only did Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony renew their vows at 3:15 a.m. in Las Vegas on Sunday, they did it in a joint ceremony with Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica. [E!, People]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson tell friends they're planning on dressing up as Todd and Sarah Palin for Halloween. [NYDN]
♦ Jay-Z couldn't get any London clubs to pay his $50,000 appearance fee this weekend. [This London Blog via E!]
♦ Is Suri Cruise lonely and sad because has no friends her own age? [P6]

In the "special skills" area on the back of her headshot, renaissance woman Jennifer Lopez is able to list so very many things: whispery acting, AutoTune proficiency, early 1990s dance mastery... the list goes on and on. Still, there is one useful Hollywood skill that La Lopez has always been cagey about showing off, and it's her intimate familiarity with Scientology. Though her dad has been a Scientologist for over twenty years and Lopez pals around with famous L. Ron disciples like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Leah Remini, she tells the Daily Beast that she's still a free agent — though her new twins might not be so lucky:

♦ In his new book, Alec Baldwin goes off on TMZ's Harvey Levin, and says that the fallout from his infamously leaked voicemail made him want to commit suicide. [R&M]
♦ Barbra Streisand sang four songs at an Obama fundraiser last night. Attendees included Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. [Fox News]
♦ Anne Hathaway acted like a bit of a diva at an event in Toronto. She also smokes, which her publicist doesn't want you to know. [OK!, R&M]
♦ Sarah Palin's "secretive circle of stylists" dressed her in a $2,500 Valentino jacket for her big speech at the Republican convention. [P6]
♦ Bad news: Hugh Hefner says all three of the Girls Next Door are getting spinoffs. [E!]
♦ Even worse news: Heidi Montag and her sister Holly are "developing a top-secret project" together. [LAT]

It's a busy week for Amy Poehler. Last Saturday, she helped SNL score its highest ratings in years and then announced yesterday that she's planning to leave the show in November. Today she celebrates her birthday: She's 37. Also celebrating: Marc Anthony is 40 (although he held his big birthday blowout on Sunday at the Bowery Hotel.) Lauren Bacall is 84. Magician David Copperfield is 52. Nick Jonas is 16. Actress Alexis Bledel is 27. Mickey Rourke is 52. The artist Christopher Wool turns 53 today. Fortune's managing editor Andy Serwer is 49. Harvard professor and author Henry Louis Gates is 58. Televangelist Robert Schuller is 82. And blue's legend B.B. King is 83.

Jessica Szohr playing with a pretzel during a photo shoot in SoHo ... John Mayer standing on the street with a motorcycle helmet in hand ... Michelle Trachtenberg walking hand-in-hand with an unidentified man in SoHo ... Katie Holmes hopping out of an SUV near Times Square ... John Legend shopping with his girlfriend in SoHo ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving Toys 'R' Us with son James and a big bag toys ... Tim Robbins grabbing some juice while riding around on rollerblades ... Meg Ryan making her way out of an office building ... Actress Kim Raver pushing her son in a stroller ... Frankie Muniz standing on the sidewalk with a female friend ...Padma Lakshmi posing for photos in the street wearing an all-white ensemble ... Heroes star Dania Ramirez leaving the Bryant Park Hotel ... Kiefer Sutherland walking through SoHo with his daughter ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony making their way into Marc's birthday party at the Bowery Hotel ... Ashley Olsen heading out for the evening with a big bodyguard ... Kelly Rowland going to dinner at Nobu ... and Lindsay Lohan hiding her face with a handbag outside the Bowery Hotel.

• Jennifer Lopez competed in a triathalon in Malibu, then flew to New York to throw Marc Anthony a birthday party at the Bowery Hotel. It's unclear, though, if she ever had an injured foot, which was the reason she gave for pulling out of the Project Runway finale last week and now some are wondering if a fight with Harvey Weinstein over a movie role was the real reason she cancelled. [People, NYDN, MSNBC]

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]

• Lizzie Grubman is spawning once again: She and husband Chris Stern are expecting twins. [P6]

Jennifer Lopez, new member of that oh-so-trendy and elite twinset pregnancy club, is continuing her fashionable legacy by deciding never to dress her mini-Marc Anthonys in the same designer outfit twice. As much as this news doesn’t surprise us, considering the international (national? not so much!) superstar’s notoriously highbrow taste in ridiculously pricey bling, we’re fairly sure where J. Lo got the idea. Even though the past few years have seen post-pregnancy slim faster Lopez awarded the #1 spot on many a prominent Best Dressed List in the glossies, her pre-glamour girl days were adorned with some of the most horrific ensembles ever to break camera lenses with their floppy fedoras, belly-baring latex bikini tops and, of course, her infamous frontless, transparent green monster worn at the 2000 Grammys. The top five outfits we’re grateful Lopez never dared wear twice, after the jump:

Anna Wintour and Bee Shaffer leaving Marni on Mercer Street ... Molly Shannon on a morning jog through the West Village ... Alex Rodriguez slipping out the side entrance at Trump Park Avenue ... Adrian Grenier and new girlfriend Isabel Lucas waiting for baggage at LAX ... Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony shopping at Pucci in Italy ... Seal, sans Heidi Klum, leaving the Four Seasons in Prague ... Meryl Streep, completely covered up in a jacket, scarf, and hat, walking near the water in Sydney ... Gwyneth Paltrow getting out of an SUV in front of Gemma where she met up with Madonna for lunch ... Blake Lively and Penn Badgley stopping to take photos with fans during a stroll through SoHo ... Nas talking on a cell phone as he left Da Silvano.

• Amy Winehouse fainted at home yesterday and spent the night undergoing testing at a London hospital. So far the tests have proved inconclusive and doctors are stumped as to what exactly happened, which clearly means they're not reading the tabloids. [Reuters]

• Kate Moss stormed out of a party at Milk Studios in Chelsea because they wouldn't let her bring three friends into the bathroom, citing a "strict one-person-at-a-time policy." [P6]

When the Count and Countess of Scientology throw a party, they do not set out plastic lawn chairs and serve crustless honey-drenched finger sandwiches. No, when TomKat decide to invite all of their friends and frenemies (and even some enemies!) over for a daytime soirée, the Knights of Hubbard throw the kind of party that puts everyone from the Royal Family to Donatella Versace to shame. On Saturday afternoon, TomKat decided to congratulate themselves on purchasing yet another of their many torture chambers loving households in Beverly Hills by hosting the likes of Kirstie “I Should Be Dead” Alley, Oprah “Never Forget” Winfrey, Victoria “Posher Than Katie” Beckham, and Jennifer “Marc Is Sick Again” Lopez. And putting aside Suri’s adorably Croc-like sandals and her ongoing tendency to appear just as frightened of her father as the rest of the world, this A-list party’s most impressive attributes were the pimped out rides. After the jump, a collection of the invitees in their modes of transportations, and a sampling of just how much security goes into protecting their Friends and Foes from Xenu’s ominous Orwellian eye:

Remember when The Learning Channel was proudly cheesy? Back when they featured all those low-budget Baby Stories and Wedding Stories and any kind of Story that would set housewives' hearts aflutter? Well, it looks like those TLC-loving housewives are in store for something a bit more glamorous. According to the NY Daily News, diamond-drenched new mother of twins Jennifer Lopez is gearing up to invite us into her and vampire-like husband Marc Anthony's home to "deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom." While we couldn't be more excited to watch Lopez cook enchiladas that Anthony will eventually purge, we're noticing a trend. Namely, that previously straight-laced networks like TLC and Lifetime have taken notice of Bravo's success and, thus, are beginning to follow their bold footsteps by greenlighting programs that strongly appeal to the gay and lesbian community.

Once upon a time, a godfather was a man whose chief mission was to guide a child's religious beliefs. But nowadays, it's just a regular guy who's friends with the parents and buys stuff for the kid ... or so J. Lo and Marc Anthony would have us believe. The "Catholic" couple, whose twins Max and Emme were born on February 22, have reportedly asked Tom Cruise to be their babies' godfather. Yeah, you read that right.

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."

That's the amount left over after after Marc Anthony bought some incredibly expensive earrings to reward wife Jennifer Lopez for her lucrative fertility. The couple had made a reported $6m from the sale of photos of their newborn twins to People magazine.

It's tough out there for a celebrity mom with a baby cover exclusive with People. From Nicole Richie's non-groundbreaking Harlow cover to Christina Aguilera's boobalicious Max debut, no glossy cover with a star baby splashed across it will ever compare to that of The Chosen One. Well, unless The Chosen Two follow in their goddess-like older sister's footsteps. And despite the fact that Jennifer Lopez received the heftiest payday on record to introduce twins Max and Emme to the masses, MSNBC reports that Jenny From The Block went into vintage diva mode both prior to the shoot and throughout the painful session:

Exciting news for actress/singer/fragrance magnate Jennifer Lopez and singer/actor/Caesar-supporter Marc Anthony, for the two are the proud parents of bouncing baby twins—one J and one Lo—born shortly after midnight in a New York-area hospital. Having dropped a rumored $6 million for the privilege, we now acquiesce with a bow and a flourish to People's J-Lo! Twins! Birth! Exclusive!:

Twelve minutes past midnight, Jennifer Lopez gave birth to a 5 lbs. 7 oz. baby girl, followed at 12:23 AM by 6 lbs. baby boy. The birth took place in a secure room of a Long Island hospital, hermetically sealed prior to J. Lo's arrival, guarded by security forces trained intensively in "pink drills" in recent weeks. The lockdown helps protect the $4 million to $6 million People magazine is paying for exclusive pictures of the kids, an exclusive that would be ruined by anyone lawfully and safely snapping a photo and sending it a competing media outlet, like say tips@gawker.com, which FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY pays you $7.50 per 1000 views! Besides, J. Lo hardly needs the money, especially if she plans to practice the "tough love" she got from her own mom, as described in October to David Letterman: