Lars von Trier is "doing [his] best" to satiate his leading lady's appetite for porn. Woody Allen says he wants to fuck all of his leading ladies. Zsa Zsa Gabor falls into a coma. Janice Dickinson loses her teeth. Thursday gossip takes a Nazi pervert at his word.

While we're busy contemplating what an awful human being Arnold Schwarzenegger is for fathering a child out of wedlock and lying to his wife about it for 14 years, let's not forget all the other horrible things about America's favorite gay-porn-modeling, serial lady-groping, Nazi politician/statutory rapist.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's mistress moves to the center of the storm. Did you know she and Maria Shriver had simultaneous pregnancies? Patrick Schwarzenegger is calling himself "Patrick Shriver" now. An exhaustive roundup of all things Schwarze-baby.

As the gossip hurricane rages on, Maria Shriver stands brave and resolute with her friend Oprah. Meanwhile, the Grammers are having a custody dispute, a Tiger Woods mistress is telling stories, and Kirk Cameron is not Stephen Hawking.

20,000 Oprah Winfrey zealots filled Chicago's United Center on Tuesday night for the taping of a two-part farewell spectacular that will air on May 23rd and 24th. It was billed as a "night of surprises," but, like Oprah, I hate surprises. So here's a list of everyone who showed up, as exhaustively docutweeted by The Hollywood Reporter:

On Tuesday, former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that he had fathered a child out of wedlock. There were scant details beyond a vague timeframe—"more than a decade ago"—and the occupation of the child's mother: "a longtime member of [the family's] household staff." But two tabloids have just identified the woman as Mildred "Patty" Baena, age 50, a former housekeeper at Schwarzenegger's Brentwood estate.

Before Arnold Schwarzenegger ran for governor of California, he was busy impregnating "a longtime member of [his family's] household staff," according to a report in the Los Angeles Times and a statement from Schwarzenegger.

Here's one of the scattered pictures of the smiles Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver are in the process of leaving behind. It was sent to us by photographer Brad Elterman, who snapped the couple back in 1977 at a Las Vegas charity softball tournament hosted by Kenny Rogers. As Elterman recalls, "He was totally cool and loved the attention of my camera, but Maria made a hissy fit about having her photo taken."

Lady Gaga breaks a nail and flips off a bunch of rich people. The royal wedding made Fergie feel "totally worthless." Heidi Montag warns that reality stardom is "hard." Wednesday gossip triumphs over adversity.

Who wasn't saddened to learn that the 25-year marriage of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver—as rock solid, we all assumed, as any individual Arnold body part circa 1985—had dissolved before our very eyes?

After 25 years of marriage, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Shriver, a journalist and Kennedy family member, moved out of the couple's mansion a few weeks ago while the two "work on the future of [their] relationship."

Basketball games are among the best places for spotting celebrities in the wild. Since the famous folk frequent court side seats, the view is often unobstructed; the lighting is good; cameras are welcome; and, due to the magic of assigned seating, they often end up interacting with unexpected members of their flock. Case in point: At last night's NBA All-Stars game, Justin Bieber sat next to Rihanna.

Oprah Winfrey appointed Maria Shriver to guest edit a "poetry issue" of O magazine. Does the former newscaster/first lady of California have an MFA in creative writing we don't know about? And what's Demi Moore got to do with it?

Sargent Shriver, first director of the Peace Corps, father of Maria, and Kennedy clan member, died today at 95.

The canceled miniseries may have been canceled due to family pressure. Also today: Glee will not be saluting Justin Bieber, your favorite shows have been renewed, and Wicked heads to the small screen. No, not that Wicked. Not really.

In the past three years, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has battled liver disease, undergone transplant surgery, and returned to run the multi-billion dollar company he co-founded. Now he's pushing for a state bill that may revolutionize California's organ donor system.

With a tap of Zooey Deschanel's tambourine and a flash of Eli-Peaches PDA, begins Coachella, the California music festival where, every year, starlets muss up their hair and don frayed denim with the hope of landing an indie rock boyfriend.

• An autopsy was performed on Brittany Murphy yesterday and while no obvious cause of death was determined, more should be known when toxicology tests are completed in several weeks. Meanwhile, police sources say a huge stash of prescription pills (painkillers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, antibiotics, etc.) were found at her home. And several of Murphy's friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have told reporters that her death "wasn't a shock," and that substance abuse "had sadly become par for the course." [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• In an interview yesterday, Murphy's husband Simon Monjack defended himself against suggestions he was a bad influence on Murphy. Monjack's shady past isn't doing him too many favors, however. The British screenwriter was sued by a bank for close to half a million bucks in 2006 as well as evicted from his apartment the same year. A year before that, he was arrested in Virginia on credit card fraud and theft charges. [AH, NYP, Fox News]
• Back in 2001, Tom Cruise sued a magazine editor named Michael Davis Sapir for saying that Cruise had a "homosexual relationship" and Sapir had a tape to prove it. Now it's Sapir turn. He's suing Cruise, his attorney Bert Fields, and private detective Anthony Pellicano for $5 million, claiming they spied on him and illegally wiretapped his phone. [TMZ, Us]
• The German shepherd that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony used to own wasn't the friendliest pooch. Not only did Floyd allegedly attack a flight attendant (who is now suing the couple), he supposedly also head-butted a housekeeper and bit one of their personal assistants. [NYDN]

The collective desire to find something to blame for Brittany Murphy's untimely death channels itself into autopsy results and prescription obsessing; Posh Spice does "the robot"; Lance Bass gay-boyfriends for Jamie-Lynn Sigler; porn star hates sex. Tuesday gossip anon.

Someone dares invoke the earth-shattering wrath of Demi Moore by calling the ageless aged? Indeed! PageSix got porn-y. Sheriff TMZ's busting Maria Shriver and Lil' Wayne. Courtney Love, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin: still suck. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!