Breaking news! Noted homophobe Kirk Cameron has admitted that married people pose a far bigger threat to marriage than gays (most of whom still can't get married) or any "redefining" of marriage.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you haven't settled down with a nice Ivy League man yet, you're going to die alone.

With dull eyes and open mouths, they crowd the streets and fill the restaurants. Some are teenagers, some are straight, some are gay, and far too many are married adults who would usually be found at home watching the television at night. They are the zombies of St. Valentine's Day, and they're just as miserable as they look.

We've had some hard times in the past five years. But thanks to The Fed and Almighty God, the economy is booming again. Now you can finally get divorced.

Love is hard. Relationships are tricky. If you have problems in your marriage, try this: take a deep breath; count to ten; then, write an essay on the internet about why your husband is just not sexy.

Police in South Carolina say a Richland County man ended up in the hospital last week after being stabbed by his fiancée for disagreeing with her choice of wedding colors.

A newlywed couple in Pennsylvania placed a craigslist ad, lured a man to their house, and killed him for the thrill of it.

A Georgia man who promised to marry his girlfriend but then didn't has been ordered to pay $50,000 after the woman sued him for fraud and "breach of promise to marry."

[Vernita Gray, left, and Patricia Ewert hold their Illinois marriage license after they were married in Chicago on Wednesday. While the state's gay marriage law takes effect in June 2014, the couple was granted an expedited marriage license because Gray is terminally ill. Photo by Charles Rex Arbogast via AP]

81 years is a hell of a long time to be married to someone, but 102-year-old John and 98-year-old Ann Betar would be the first to admit that "it isn't a lovey dovey thing for 80 years."

[Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn signs the state's Religious Freedom and Marriage Fairness Act into law during ceremonies on Wednesday in Chicago. The bill, which won't take effect until June 1, makes Illinois the 16th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Photo by Charles Rex Arbogast via AP]

The Hawaii State Senate passed a bill on Tuesday legalizing same-sex marriage and The Associated Press was quick to highlight the vote's cultural significance: "Hawaii Senate passes gay marriage, clearing islands to become a same-sex wedding destination."

Just after midnight on Monday, dozens of of gay couples across New Jersey were married, including seven who were wed at Newark's city hall by Mayor and Senator-elect Cory Booker.

Same-sex marriages in New Jersey are scheduled to begin Monday at 12:01 a.m. Though the process has been plagued with bureaucratic difficulties, mayors in Newark, Jersey City, Asbury Park and Lambertville plan to open City Halls late Sunday and marry couples as soon as they're able.

A newly married man picked the worst possible time to forget his blushing bride at a filthy gas station in the middle of highway: On the way back from their honeymoon.

Rogelio Andaverde of Edinburg, Texas, was home alone with his wife Tuesday night when two masked men forced their way in and abducted him at gunpoint.

Researchers have found a gene that can predict how much emotional ups and downs may affect someone's marriage. The gene is called "[Joke]."

Eric and Morné, the international couple that attempted to raise money to send Eric's parents to one of their multi-day, pan-global wedding celebrations, have deleted their gofundme page. Don't worry, though, we took screen shots for posterity.

While tandem wakeboarding with his girlfriend Brynn, Matthew Gencarella decided to take the plunge and ask her to marry him right there and then.

International couple Eric Turner and Morné Coetzer are in a bit of a pickle: They have set a date to marry (January 4, 2014), but because the legalization of same-sex marriage remains globally sporadic, neither can do it where he lives now (Eric's in Houston, Morné is in London). They have decided on South Africa, where Morné grew up and gay marriage is legal. Morné's parents are already there, but Eric's are not. Now, they'd gladly pay for Eric's parents to fly there, but they'd more gladly use your money and so they have set up a gofundme page to e-panhandle $7,000 to cover Eric's parents' trip. Really, they have more important shit to buy. With their money. But not yours. Writes Eric: