When the New York Observer's lover-for-hire George Gurley embarked on his quest to reveal the top ten sexual fantasies of the women at the Beatrice Inn, we lauded his Kinseyian quest for knowledge. As vapid and annoying we find those jangly-braceleted, soft-cotton-cosseted lithe young things who frequent the Beatrice, we also secretly want to touch their soft parts. So we looked forward to the article as a playbook, if nothing else. Imagine our flaccid disappointment when Alexa Rose Greenstadt, ("a lush, busty and witty 21-year-old who was wearing Lanvin pearls, a Zac Posen dress and brand new Prada shoes") divulged her sexual fantasy.

From a correspondent in the new New York Times building at Eighth Ave. and 40th Street: "This was scrawled on the door of one of our new, improved (and barely functioning) elevators. Even Timesians have their preferences, I guess..." And how. Sorry, David Brooks! It's MoDo for the elevator people.

What do the king and queen of weekend media do together when they're alone? We find out, all gory details intact, in this month's issue of Harvard Magazine, a once-stodgy alumni glossy that has reportedly been trying for a sexier, more 'now' sort of look ever since the presposterous 02138 started crowding the field with their famous attitude and cool thoughts about lifestyle.

This month's Elle has a profile of New York Times managing editor Jill Abramson. It's pretty competent, instead of being all "OMG lady news executive!," and, as today's WWD notes, it's fairly thorough.

Times columnist and spinster Maureen Dowd showed up on NBC's Meet the Press this morning, the TV show where Very Important Things happen each week. Is she as sassily impish on TV as she is in newsprint?

Dear Diary, Well, I think I'll wear something stern and sophisticated to court today, since this murderer guy crazily accused me of cutting off a guy's chick's head and hands and all, and everyone thinks I helped him get away! And since we're discussing a gag order today, because I don't want opposing counsel to talk to the press, I should carry a book by a journalist so the media doesn't hate me! Oh, yay! Here's that Maureen Dowd book my spinster aunt gave me! That's perfect. Gotta jet!

• "Time Inc. has selected Stockholm's Bonnier Group as the winner of the auction for the right to buy 18 of Time Inc.'s magazines. There was no immediate word on the price that Bonnier will pay, but the terms are in place and a deal should close within a month." That's what AdAge said, but then they pulled it. So who knows? [AdAge]
  

On Christmas weekend, what's a Times Op-Ed columnist to do? You can write about poverty, like Paul Krugman, or about the ongoing misery in New Orleans, like Bob Herbert. Or you could go the Maureen Dowd route, and just call up Donald Trump and ask him what he thinks about a whole bunch of shit:

• We think it's kind of tacky to mock a Parkinson's patient for writing a doddering, fogeyish column about the Internet. So we'll let Wonkette do it. Anyway, our guess as to the mystery journalist is Kaus. [Slate]
  

Rush & Molloy tip us off to a profile of Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert (because, really, we need another one of those) in this month's Rolling Stone. What makes this one extra-special is that it's written by Maureen Dowd! Yes, MoDo! Here's how it starts:

There's just been more value added to your TimesSelect subscription: The company announced today that "all articles dating back to Sept. 18, 1851, when the paper started publishing, are now available online at NYTimes.com. With original reporting on Abraham Lincoln, the sinking of the Titanic and the landing at Normandy, The Times is now letting its readers travel through time with the click of a mouse."

• Hewlett-Packard hired private investigators to obtain journalists' phone records. Because there's nothing more interesting than a list of sex-talk lines called on the company dime. [NYT]
• The statistics in that Slate teen hummer piece suck. [Stats.org]
• Maureen Dowd is too worth more than "Always Crashing in the Same Car." [Newyorkette]
• Is the lonelygirl15 story over finally? Please? [Screens]

We were recently directed to PX This., the "witty, irreverent (star-studded) four year journal of a struggling New York commercial-artist/fashion-designer moonlighting as a maitre d' at some of Manhattan's most well-known restaurants." While perusing its contents, we came upon the following entry (all contents completely [sic]):

There are over 1000 columnists spewing brilliance and lunacy in unfortunately unequal doses, but a survey of 154 of them turns up batshit results: when describing what it's like to write a column, "26% of salaried columnists called it a job and 17% likened it to sex." But what kind of sex? As painful as it is for us to imagine fornicating journalists (shudder), we've got our guesses: When writing, Maureen Dowd goes cowgirl, but John Tierney prefers missionary (so that's why it didnt work). Stanley Crouch would never admit it, but he can't meet deadline without bottoming; Andrea Peyser just reads like a bondage freak. And of course, Ann Coulter's just hate-fucking all sorts of fuzzy baby animals.

• We just can't believe that anyone calling himself "Jacob the Jeweler," who makes his living crafting massive, diamond-encrusted watches and pendants for the good people of the hip-hop industry, would have anything to do with a drug ring called the Black Mafia Family. [TMZ]
• Introducing our new favorite website: Long Awkward Pose. People look stupid when they pose for pictures, but they look even more stupid when they don't know they're being videotaped during their earnest posing. Hilarity ensues. [Long Awkward Pose]
• Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos thinks Maureen Dowd is a "catty, insecure bitch," which may or may not having something to do with former Wonkette Ana Marie Cox. Crazy fucking redheads. [The Stranger]
• If a sex shop comes to Soho, it has to be luxe. Kiki de Montparnasse fits the bill — and if it's high-end, the celebrities shall flock. Go and watch Lenny Kravitz buy a high-end dildo, it'll change your life. [NY Sun]
• Daniel Klaidman comes to NYC to be the assistant managing fluffer at Newsweek. [FishbowlDC]
• Associated Press management slowly dehydrates its staff to death. [The Slug]
• Bill Gates announces that in two years he'll go part-time at Microsoft and devote his energies full-time to his charity work. Steve Jobs cackles, John Hodgman weeps. [Forbes]

As if paying $4 for a cup of coffee weren't bad enough, Starbucks is now plaguing your caffeination experience with their "Way I See It Campaign," wherein cups are emblazoned with truisms only a disaffected barrista could love. A correspondent notes that her chai latte was blessed as "Way I See It #71," featuring a deep thought from none other than stiletto-clad Times columnist Maureen Dowd. So how does Maureen "see it"? The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

• Martha Stewart disses Donald Trump when discussing her failed version of The Apprentice; the Donald fires back with an open letter promising a world of pain. Battle of the inflated egos; let's get these two behemoths scheduled for a cage match. [Reuters]
• Morrissey used to love Maureen Dowd — until he found out she ate meat. Maybe that's why she's still single. [True to You]
• As far as we know, New York Times bestselling authors don't really troll Craigslist for ghostwriting gigs. Actually, maybe James Frey does. [Craigslist]
• Mag marketing from hell. [Big and Sharp]
• UK Maxim editor Greg Gutfeld introduces the Huffington Post style guide, Aryan Nation edition. [HuffPo]

• Now, Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson will take turns joining Elizabeth Vargas on World News Tonight. We really hope they can work George Stephanopoulos into that rotation, too. [NYT]
• CBS Newser John Roberts decamps for CNN. If your bosses told you they had no idea who'll be the next anchor but they're sure it won't be you, you'd leave too. [Public Eye]
• High-ranking laddie Andy Clerkson grows up and moves out. The Dennis Publishing editorial director will leave his job, summer in Montauk, have a kid, and move back to England. [WWD]
• One of the many companies that isn't buying the Observer: Reed Elsevier. [NYP (last item)]
• NYO on NYT: Ric Burns to produce docu on the Gray Lady, and war gets in the way of Jill Abramson and Maureen Dowd's planned trip to Iraq. [NYO (second and third items)]

Maureen Dowd, yesterday (bold ours):

• Oh, bad job, Keller and Sulzberger. Finally public editor Barney Calame grows a pair and decides to write about something interesting and relevant — why you chose to hold the domestic-spying store for a year — and you guys promptly snip them off. Now he'll never work up the nerve again, alas. [NYT]
• The Elizabeth-and-Bob show starts at ABC News tonight, and we're pretty sure the senior citizens who still watch the evening newscasts are aquiver with excitement. That, or Parkinson's. One of the two. [USAT]
• Last week Forbes said WashPostCo would be the Journal. Now Jim Cramer says Murdoch will. [NYM]
• Joel Stein and Maureen Dowd are feuding. God knows who to root for. [LAT]
• 2005 was, essentially, Vanity Fair's very bestest year ever. [WWD]
• Rumor has it the Underneath the Robes dude is set to become the new Wonkette. Hmm. Interesting. [WSJ; NYO]
• NYT lurves NY1. [NYT]
• Chung and Povitch have a new show and think they're Hepburn and Tracey. Which is sort of cute, in a deluded way. [NYM]