In celebration of the almost-annual winter return of the McRib, McDonald's dropped a few videos today that purport to reveal the secrets of everyone's favorite barbecue sauce-covered restructured pork item. They do, kind of.

The Wall Street Journal says McDonald's, a store that sells toxic food and pays the people who make said food just enough money to ensure permanent poverty, has a new advertising slogan: "Lovin' Beats Hatin'"—sure, man, OK, that sounds good, why not.

In a setup that would make Jimmy Kimmel green with envy, two Dutch pranksters visited a major culinary convention to show off their new line of delicious, organic food—actually bog standard McDonald's fare, just cut up and skewered with toothpicks.

Gristle repurposing factory McDonald's saw its profit fall by 30% this quarter, with sales here in the USA continuing their weak streak. The problem? McDonald's thinks it's some kind of fancy restaurant now.

"You may abandon your own body, but you must preserve your honor." - Miyamoto Musashi, A Book of Five Rings

Cory D. Peterson, 45, of Bay City, Mich., was sentenced by a judge to two years probation Monday after pleading no contest to an indecent exposure charge from an incident in September where he exposed himself to female employees in the drive-thru of a McDonald's.

Ron Morais, of Fredericton, New Brunswick, doesn't like to waste a drop of his coffee. "I always take the lid off to get my last sip," he told the CBC. But he says that on a visit to McDonald's Monday, he found something in his cup that ruined his appetite for last bit of coffee there: A dead mouse.

A Washington man faces 14 charges, ranging from kidnapping to burglary to theft of a firearm, after allegedly going on a weeklong, acid-inspired crime spree. According to court documents obtained by Vocativ, 23-year-old George Jacobson terrorized residents of Roy, Wa. from Sept. 26 to Oct. 3, breaking into houses, stealing guns and demanding victims give him everything from clothes to a ride home.

Kevin Adorno, 28, was on a bicycling trip from Maryland to Miami. He was planning to propose to girlfriend at the end of his trip. On the final leg of his journey, he stopped at a McDonald's in Vero Beach, Fla., where he was fatally stabbed by a homeless man. He was reportedly on the phone with his girlfriend at the time and police found the engagement ring on him after he was pronounced dead.

Yesterday was Labor Day, a holiday that most Americans celebrate by going to work at their low-paid jobs. But—as unlikely as it seems—the president actually said something meaningful in his mandatory Labor Day speech yesterday.

For food-like dining chain McDonald's, young people—who have not yet had time to develop a discriminating palate—have always been their "bread and butter." No longer. What's wrong, millennials? Have you lost your bad taste?

When you think of McDonald's, the corporate powers that be behind the golden arches would really prefer if your mind didn't immediately flash to expired garbage meat or wages barely preferable to indentured servitude or even their terrifying new toothed box of a mascot. No, McDonald's would rather be synonymous with class, sophistication and refinement, which is why they've taken to rounding up reporters and bloggers and serving them, basically, a bunch of food that is not McDonald's.

A McDonalds in North Carolina was forced to issue a public apology this week after one of its employees burned a swastika on the inside of a customer's chicken sandwich.

For two years now, labor groups have been working on a loud public campaign to improve wages and working conditions for fast food workers. Their campaign has been viewed as quixotic. But yesterday, the government gave them an enormous boost.

After a TV report alleging that a Chinese food supplier used meat that had fallen onto the factory floor and mixed expired goods in with the new stuff, McDonald's and fast-food conglomerate Yum Brands have vowed to cease ties with the company. Now, they promise, all the steaming trash they serve you will be totally fresh.

Americans spend close to $2 billion a day dining out, and most of that money ain't being spent at The Four Seasons, if you know what we mean. (It is being spent on cheap garbage food.) Heartbreakingly, Americans now say they loathe the fast food chains to which they've pledged their lives.

Andrew Hardy, the 53-year-old man who nonchalantly walked into a McDonald's with a knife sticking straight into his back, gave an interview to the New York Post that cements his status as one extremely cool customer.

A man walked into a McDonald's in Jamaica, Queens this morning with a six-inch knife sticking out of his back. He reportedly walked into the restaurant while speaking on his phone, calmly telling a family member that it might be the last time they hear from him. According to police, the man, 50, had been involved in a fight with two men they are still looking for.

Last night, the McDonald's corporation threw a celebrity-studded bash to celebrate the much anticipated World Cup-themed McDonald's fry boxes. Who—besides us—would voluntarily go to such an event? It's a mystery that may never be solved.

Right this minute, McDonald's workers and their supporters are getting arrested outside of McDonald's annual shareholder meeting. McDonald's has "cleared and closed its corporate headquarters" for the day in response to protests. Today is a great day to try a new restaurant, America.