You've just been arrested for allegedly beating the crap out of your housekeeper — your fifth such incident since 1998 — and your Swarovski crystal-encrusted BlackBerry is stained with blood. What's a girl to do? If you're Naomi Campbell, you head down to South Africa to visit Nelson Mandela and talk about UNICEF, of course. While Mandela once considered Campbell his "honorary granddaugher," we're guessning he's now far too scared of the supermodel warlord to cancel their meeting. Campbell, to her credit, knows that Mandela's place is a safe haven for all sorts of troubled models (Kate Moss allegedly blew some rails in his bathroom back in 1998).

It's time to recap our day's accomplishments in terrorizing celebrities who have nothing to fear but human interaction. All sightings are sent in by readers and fact-checked by George Clooney's publicist; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

• Jason Forrest and Duran Duran Duran (no, not a typo) hit Northsix tonight. Enjoy some live music, or yell "Hungry Like the Wolf!" between songs and piss off everyone around you. Whichever you like. [flavorpill]
• S-O-S-H-U-L R-E-J-E-K-T-Z: The Scrabble Club for Bad Spellers convenes tonight at the 11th Street bar. Beware the undercover spelling bee champion, who'll take you for every last vowel. [Upcoming]
• 2+ hours of Bj rk on film? Thank god; tonight was shaping up to be rather uneventful. [Paper]

• Because God is inexplicably protecting Maer Roshan, Radar still looms over us. Well, kind of. Maybe not. Maybe so, with Jesse Jackson's son in the mix. And whether or not the mag that Maer built comes alive, it sure is fun to speculate and send Roshan into a secretive frenzy.
• Our sick and psychotic Gawker Stalker Maps continue to destroy the world, prompting George Clooneyto don his Batman suit and unite his flacky friends against our satanic practices. The New York Press agrees that we're bad people and, moreover, just snarkity snark snark snarky.
• Naomi Campbell assaults her staff again — and this time, it's over a pair of jeans.
• Hell of a week for masthead changes: Wall Street Journal's Weekend Journal editor Amy Stevens saunters over to Conde; the Observer's Ben Smith relocates to the Daily News; more changes at Spin; and Newsweek executive editor Dorothy Kalins suspiciously heads upstairs.
• Breaking: Just like any student at any college, NYU kids like to party.
• Circulation desperation sets in, and free papers are everyfuckingwhere. And if they're free papers from the Post, you'll find them at the dump. Or China.
• It took way too long, but the Village Voice's doe-eyed young fabulist Nick Sylvester finally gets fired.

It's time to upset every celebrity on earth with our hideous Gawker Stalker Maps. Sightings are sent in by readers and George Clooney; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Friday:
• You remember Lysistrata from high school — it's the Greek play where the women withhold sex until the men stop warring. Giggle inappropriately like you did back then, tonight at the New York City Opera. [flavorpill]
• David Sedaris, the Gay Ambassador to the Red States and the Reading Ambassador to People Who Don't Usually Do So, hits Town Hall tonight. Hop on the bandwagon and see if you can spot Hugh. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• An 80s face-off: both the Pretenders and the Flaming Lips still exist, and they're playing at Town Hall and Webster Hall, repectively. Decide whether "Back on The Chain Gang" or "She Don't Use Jelly" is more important to you, and proceed accordingly. Either way, you'll only be staying for the one song. [Upcoming]
• Wanting a little more from your music? With their powers combined, Kieran Hebden and Steve Reid do something involving jazz, electronics, and improvisation that will surely fit your elitist needs. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• It's sunny and warm. Spend some time outside, you pasty douche.

Two weeks ago the Times — both in print and in a video walking tour — directed its readers to the wonders of Menahata, the crazy second-floor Bulgarian bar at Broadway and Canal. Just days later, word came that the bar would be temporarily shut down while the building housing it was under construction. But now there's worse news, as reported by the blog Slavs of New York:

Today's papers have clarified just what, exactly, happened yesterday morning at belligerent supermodel Naomi Campbell's Park Avenue duplex, which sent a woman to the hospital and Campbell to Midtown North Precinct. Thank God, because we've been up all night, hands-a-wringing, wondering how something so incomprehensibly tragic could ever happen.

The sun is shining, Shake Shack is thriving, and the homeless are openly jerking off. It's official — spring is here to stay.

We wish you could, too, you hacky copywriters. We really do.

• Jonathan Lethem's Motherless Brooklyn is "celebrated," while Darin Struass's Chang and Eng is "internationally best-selling." Pick the winner at their joint-reading tonight at NYU. [CWP]
• The Belladonna of Sadness is not, in fact, a Jennifer Aniston documentary, but rather a little-known Yamamoto animated erotic masterpiece. Next week: the lost Smurf porno epic. [flavorpill]
• The Editors are sold out, but you can make a concert in your apartment with Ben Cho's new show on East Village Radio. It's just the same as a live show. Promise. [Upcoming & Paper]

Sightings are sent in by readers and then posted to Gawker Stalker Maps. This is our occasional, old-school compilation of some of our favorites. Send your sightings to tips@gawker.com. This week, stalking has been brought to you by Vh1's So NoTORIous, starring Tori Spelling.

Ultimately we got reports yesterday of free Journals in all the places you'd expect — down the East Side, through midtown, and to Wall Street — and in one you wouldn't — at the Hoboken PATH station. Today, apparently, it's back to Post time: Murdoch's giving it away at, according to early reports, Penn Station, Union Square, and at Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn. (It's with Fresh Direct's sponsorship again, we're told.)

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan "Not Gay" Seacrest enjoy an intimate moment. You better believe it — they'd never, ever stage something like this for the press. This concludes the swallow-your-own-vomit moment for today, brought to you by Us Weekly. [Us Weekly]
• If the thought of minivans and picket fences weren't horrifying enough, another reason why Connecticut should be avoided. [1010 WINS]
• Kate Moss lashes out at paparazzi. Coke makes you edgy and angry like that. [LSE]
• Just like bears, attractive New Yorkers hibernate during winter. [Logged Hours]
• There's not a lot to say about Vin Diesel. Thank God for small pleasures. [Fawny]
• And finally, who's the real victim in the Duke lacrosse team gang rape incident? Duke alum Dan Abrams. The poor thing must be crippled with grief. [MSNBC]

Sightings are sent in by readers drunk with bloodlust and posted to our maps faster than the speed of light, so that we may harm luminaries more effectively. Send your sightings to tips@gawker.com.

• Ridykeulous, an art show curated by A.L. Steiner and Nicole Eisenman, lives up to its name with pieces featuring castrated penises and papier-mache beavers performing cunnilingus. Fun for the whole family — especially crazy Aunt Joan. [flavorpill]
• All of the Belgian and none of the waffley carbs: singer/songwriter Arno performs tonight at Joe's Pub. Syrup still an option. [Paper]
• The 92nd Street Y kicks off a Carl Jung series tonight with "Word and Image." At $25, it's way cheaper than your local shrink. [92Y]

Two reports arrived early this morning:

Because no one was buying that whole "I'm a homeless and hungry Vietnam vet" thing anymore, anyway.

Well that's not very nice, Yahoo. Yes, well all know he looks like a decomposing corpse, but he isn't technically "remains" yet. (On the other hand, though, it's generous of you to consider him human.)

Sightings are sent in by readers and then posted to Gawker Stalker Maps. This is our occasional, old-school compilation of some of our favorites. Send your sightings to tips@gawker.com