Michael Douglas is living through Traffic, and his kid might be a RAT. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats trying to make beautiful music. Nicole Richie: not a skeleton. Jessica Alba's one year-old daughter: caliente? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Here's a teaser trailer for Oliver Stone's new, either-really-timely-or-really-dated Wall Street sequel, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Which is true! But it does burn in credit fires. Anyway, look! Gordon Gecko is old! Shia LaBeouf is young. Money is... asleep.

Andy Dick: Something about his penis getting in trouble. Rihanna's about to break her man's umbrella off. Helen Mirren has a lesson for your children about getting drunk and stupid. Megan Fox's freaky thumbs! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Michael Douglas unlocks the nuclear secret of how he keeps up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Kim Kardashian gets punched in the face. Julianne Moore and Annette Bening make out. Everyone tries to cast the Game Change movie. TGIFriday gossip.

You've laughed at Conan's withering monologue takedowns of NBC and Jay Leno. But Fox is really serious about wanting Conan on their network. It's too bad an almost hilarious contract oversight might rob Conan of his $45 million breach-of-contract award.

Hunka hunka burnin' Hiiii-ya! Now that that is out of our system we bring you good news: All three of these guys will be starring in "Knockout," a spy movie starring Gina Carano, a freaking mixed martial artist.

NY Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams had no news today because she hasn't had a scoop since the Paleozoic Era. She has resorted to asking psychics what the gossip of the future will be. The answers will shock you.

Eight-six virgins descend onto Chris Brown, who we are now supposed to believe is a "gent"; Barbara Walters makes sweet love to Frank Langella; Catherine Zeta-Jones shows her tits. Monday gossip is so juicy, it will run down your chin.

Catherine Zeta-Jones leaving her apartment to walk the dog ... Michael Douglas walking with kids Carys and Dylan ... Alec Baldwin chatting with Mary Louise Parker in Central Park ... Mickey Rourke buying a puppy with his girlfriend at a pet shop in the West Village ... The City's Freddie Fackelmeyer shopping at Kmart on Sunday with his girlfriend ... Donald Trump arriving on the set of Wall Street 2 ... Jude Law leaving his apartment in the Village ... Cate Blanchett walking with her kids ... Will Ferrell leaving Chelsea Market with his family ... Josh Duhamel taking a break from filming his new movie to play football ... and Russell Crowe leaving Club Macanudo on East 63rd Street.

Jude Law walking downtown with his personal assistant ... Tobey Maguire leaving the Four Seasons Hotel via the back door... Katharine McPhee hailing a cab ... Shia LaBeouf and Michael Douglas eating lunch on the set of Wall Street 2 ... Famke Janssen walking in the West Village ... Katie Holmes carrying Suri on the set of The Romantics on Long Island ... Adam Lambert leaving his hotel in Midtown and later arriving at MTV studios in Times Square ... Amber Rose arriving at a Cinema Society after-party at the Gramercy Park Hotel ... Catherine Zeta-Jones walking in Midtown ... and Robin Williams leaving the Trump International Hotel.

John Mayer making a girl's wildest dreams come true on the streets of Soho ... Lindsay Lohan arriving at JFK ... Katie Holmes shopping with daughter Suri and stepdaughter Isabella ... Jon Gosselin leaving an office building and heading to Cosi for breakfast ... Mark Wahlberg watching a Knicks game ... Zac Efron heading into Sarabeth's on Central Park South ... Josh Duhamel arriving at JFK ... Michael Douglas walking to the set of Wall Street 2 ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts walking their dog ... Matt Damon carrying a cup of coffee on the set of The Adjustment Bureau ... Christy Turlington picking up daughter Grace from school ... ... Susan Boyle getting in an SUV outside her hotel ... and Rihanna waiting for her car outside JFK.

Anne Heche taking a walk with her nine-month-old son Atlas ... Kate Winslet picking her kids up from school ... Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf walking on the set of Wall Street 2 in Battery Park ... Rihanna arriving at JFK before catching a flight to Europe ... David Duchovny walking down Third Avenue this morning in sunglasses and sweatpants ... Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes walking on the set of The Romantics on Long Island ... Hugh Jackman picking up daughter Ava from school ... Anna Paquin walking on the gym on Long Island ... Emily Blunt filming scenes for The Adjustment Bureau ... Sienna Miller walking her dog downtown ... and Gerard Butler standing next to his bike downtown.

John Mayer getting his hair cut at Sally Hershberger's salon in the meatpacking district ... Celine Dion getting into an SUV ... Chris Noth walking to the set of Sex and the City 2 ... Michael Douglas working out on a treadmill at the Equinox on 77th Street ... Naomi Watts walking to her apartment building in NoHo ... Ivanka Trump signing autographs after an appearance on Regis & Kelly ... Alessandra Ambrosio shopping with her daughter in the West Village ... Taylor Momsen talking on her cell phone while standing on the Gossip Girl set ... Hugh Jackman and wife Deborah Lee walking in SoHo ... Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr arriving at Ed's apartment ... Tim McGraw getting out of an SUV ... Edie Falco shooting scenes for Nurse Jackie ... Usher walking outside ... Penelope Cruz leaving her hotel en route to JFK ... and Rihanna heading into a recording studio downtown.

[On the set of Wall Street 2 in Central Park yesterday, Old Grandpa Oliver Stone leans in to tell Shia LaBeouf and Michael Douglas that in his day, they walked to school with no shoes. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Natalie Portman arriving at the Broadhurst Theatre for opening night of Hamlet ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts riding a scooter downtown ... Blake Lively arriving on the Gossip Girl set in Tribeca ... and Ed Westwick shooting scenes in Central Park ... America's No. 1 dad, Jon Gosselin, shopping on the Upper West Side ... Hugh Jackman carrying his kids' scooters in the West Village ... Pete Wentz standing in front of his hotel in Midtown ... Hilary Duff arriving at Silvercup Studios in Queens ... Khloe Kardashian arriving at JFK to catch a flight back to LA ... Sienna Miller partying at a club and signing autographs ... and Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf filming scenes for Wall Street 2 at the Central Park Zoo.

The Kardashians are richer than they should be. Michael Douglas: trying to protect his kids from cocaine. Tori Spelling's husband's ex-wife doesn't suck. A celebrity was an asshole. Courtney Love and Hugo Chavez: hooking up? Sunday Morning's Gossip Roundup:

• If the daughter of fashion's most powerful figure can't find a job, how are those of us with less cushy connections expected to? Anna Wintour says daughter Bee Shaffer has gone on 24 job interviews since graduating from Columbia last spring, but has yet to receive a single offer. [NYDN]
• Is Tinsley Mortimer finally getting the reality show she's been dreaming about? Let's hope so! [P6]
• The good news: Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler had a rendezvous in LA the other night and were acting all lovey-dovey. The bad: Then they got in their cars and drove in totally different directions. [P6]
• Some customer tried to tip the Olsen twins during Fashion's Night Out at Bergdorf last night after they served him a drink. Did the girls keep the money? Give it back? We're going to assume the former for the time being. [NYDN]

• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and their boyfriends, Nate Lowman and Justin Bartha, had super evening out the other night. It involved steak, making out, tickling, and "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [P6]
• Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't on the friendliest terms these days. Now things have turned frosty between their respective girlfriends, Minka Kelly and Kate Hudson. [P6]
• Heidi Pratt appears in the new issue of Playboy. But you won't find any nude pics of her in the magazine. She says she won't strip down completely until after she has a few "upgrades" performed by her plastic surgeon. [Us]
• Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. So who's the father? Either she's not saying because she plans to use the news to gin up ratings for her crappy reality show, or becaue she doesn't know herself. One or the other. [E!]

• Kate Hudson is dying to have A-Rod's baby, reports In Touch: "(Hudson) just turned 30 and she's ready to have her second child," an "insider" tells the magazine. "She brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility." Sounds like a great deal, clearly. [MSNBC]
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are no longer trying to hide their relationship. To make the point crystal clear, Bradley placed a "reassuring hand on her behind" for paparazzi photographers in Barcelona. [DM]
• Michael Douglas' son, Cameron Douglas, was busted on drug charges a week ago. Now his girlfriend has been arrested, too. Kelly Sott was nabbed after she tried to smuggle heroin to him in an electric toothbrush. Whoops. [People]

It was kind of sad when Michael Douglas' son Cameron was arrested for trying to smuggle a half-pound of crystal meth. So it's an order of magnitude sadder that Cameron's girlfriend got busted smuggling heroin to him in jail.