Mystic tanned to the point of unrecognizability, Bristol Palin promises to stay true to herself on primetime TV. Rachel Uchitel gets barred from Park Avenue. Paris Hilton gets barred from Vegas nightclubs. Wednesday gossip can only go so far.

Why did Lourdes Leon wear a marijuana-themed wristband? Lindsay Lohan may go free tomorrow. Taylor Momsen rather regrets her latest teen angst interview. Cuba Gooding Jr. parties with Johnny Weir. Tuesday gossip makes bold statements.

Michael Douglas says his doctors discovered a cancerous tumor in his throat. He'll undergo two months of chemotherapy and radiation, but says he's "very optimistic" he'll make a full recovery. Does this mean we have to like Wall Street 2?

The cops who busted Lindsay Lohan mistook her drug stash for a crushed mint. Tinsley Mortimer faked a relationship. John McCain loves to gamble. Things get even dicier for The Office. Hump day's gossip is full of boobs.

Because Diandra Douglas, who divorced Michael Douglas in 2000, was awarded half of all the money the star makes off movies he made during their union, she thinks she is owed some scratch for the Wall Street sequel. Good luck!

French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy is outraged, still, that the United States would like to prosecute convicted child rapist Roman Polanski. And because he is a French intellectual, he is demonstrating his outrage through yet another petition, on his website.

[Oliver Stone boasting to New York about the excitement surrounding the premiere of his new movie, Wall Street 2: Something After the Colon, at the Cannes Film Festival tomorrow. Image via Getty]

[Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones entering the Wall Street-centric Robin Hood Foundation gala at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center last night, which raised a record $88 million "to feed and clothe the city's destitute." Image via Splash.]

For two decades, Charlie Sheen's personal life has been a battlefield of bitter ex-wives, broken engagements, porn stars, hookers, drug-fueled orgies, and domestic discord. No wonder his prenup—which we revealed yesterday—is so obsessed with minimizing risk.

His first post, on MySpace of all places, is entitled 'Hello, I'm Michael Douglas's Father'. Kirk's current mood, in case you were wondering, is 'sassy'. He has a little sassy emoticon to underline this point.

It involves a violent Samantha Ronson confrontation. Sandra Bullock gets a mistress apology. Marc Jacobs breaks up with his boytoy. Bret Michael remains in the ICU. Mariah isn't preggers. Monday's gossip roundup has all the answers.

[The paparazzi bothered Michael Douglas as he walked into Federal District Court in downtown Manhattan earlier today to watch his son Cameron be sentenced to five years in jail. Image via Getty]

Cameron Douglas has been sentenced to five years in prison for dealing meth. Last night his father sent a letter asking the judge for leniency. Looks like he got it: The mandatory advisory sentence for the charge is ten years.

Cameron Douglas, Michael Douglas' wayward son, is due to be sentenced for dealing meth next week, and a host of well-wishers—including Catherine Zeta-Jones and Pat Riley—have written to his judge explaining just how hard his life has been.

The walking tragedy that is LiLo takes a turn for the cringe-worthy. Charlie Sheen wants to quit his TV show. Michael Douglas laments his wilting libido. Tiger's kindergarten teacher has Gloria Allred on retainer and "feelings" to "express." TGIFriday gossip.

Tonight, The Oprah Winfrey Oscar Special graced us with its presence. We knew that it would be full of CELEBRITIEEEEEEES, and we knew that they would interview each other. But we learned some new things, too! Inside, some standout moments.

Love takes a Geldof girl under her wing, which can only lead to disaster. Drew Barrymore blames her parents for her problems, and so does Michael Douglas' smack addict kid. Brangelina's new Voight-related headache, Michael Kors' weird bellybutton. TGIFriday gossip.

Wall Street 2 is finally upon us—and this time: it's fiscally responsible. It looks be an art imitating life extravaganza, with Michael Douglas giving some more inspired speeches, and LeBeouef trying to marry Gekko's daughter. And Josh Brolin!

• Lindsay Lohan was supposed to go to Vienna so she could accompany creepy billionaire Richard Lugner to the Vienna Opera Ball. (He brings a different celeb or model to the event every year and pays them $150,000 for the pleasure.) Sadly, Lindsay missed her chance to collect the much-needed cash. She ran up a $22K bill at the airport duty free shop and couldn't pay the bill, and the ensuing drama forced her to miss the flight. So she didn't get Lugner's check, she has $22K in stuff she doesn't need, and her house is even more cluttered. That worked out well! [DM, P6]
• The reason Alec Baldwin was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night yesterday? Apparently he got into a fight with his 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, over the phone and threatened to "take some pills," then she called 911 and an ambulance showed up, and Alec was like, "Ugh, fine I'll go to the hospital," and he spent about an hour in the ER before doctors sent him home. His rep says it was "all a misunderstanding," and it's possible that his ex-wife, Kim Basinger, actually prompted Ireland to call 911 in an effort to embarrass him. But Alec didn't make the situation any better when he returned home on Thursday night and "assaulted" a Post photographer who was waiting for him outside his apartment building. [Fox411, NYP, Daily News, Us]
• John Mayer broke down on stage in Nashville on Wednesday, thanked his band for standing by him, and vowed to "quit the media game." Finally! [Us]
• Bill Clinton was hospitalized yesterday after complaining of chest pains. Doctors inserted two stents into a blocked artery and the ex-president is now at home in Chappaqua and "in good spirits." [People]

• The cast of MTV's Jersey Shore officially signed on for season two over the weekend. (Although MTV may now be forced to rename the show, since the cast could be spending next season in the Hamptons.) If you need something to tide you over until the summer, you could always go out and pick up Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's new cologne, which is appropriately named "The Sitch" and smells like a mix of self-tanner, Axe body spray, and some random girl's perfume. [Us, NYP, P6]
• So much for those rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up. At the Director's Guild of America Awards in LA on Saturday night, the couple looked "as happy as can be," Pitt pulled a chair out for his wife (what a gentleman!), and he spent the evening gently caressing her back. [Us, People]
• Did you miss the Grammys last night? Lady Gaga wore a dress that looked like a fifth-grade solar system science project before descending into a fire pit and then playing piano opposite a crystal-encrusted Elton John; Pink did a Cirque de Soleil-esque performance in a nude bodysuit, twirling on a trapeze and singing upside down; Beyonce won a record-breaking six Grammys; Taylor Swift walked away with four, including album of the year; and the crowd was treated to a 3-D tribute to Michael Jackson as well as brief speeches by two of his kids, Prince and Paris. Click through for the list of winners and the fashion highlights/lowlights. [People, NYP, NYDN, MTV, People]