President Obama hasn't even given his big jobs speech yet, but that didn't stop Mitt Romney from declaring it a failure—and unveiling his own 160-page economic plan—during a rambling speech in Las Vegas today. The only thing more obvious than the impracticality of Romney's proposals was how desperate he is to be elected. Or as Jon Stewart put it on tonight's Daily Show: "You want to be President so bad, Al Gore can taste it."

We've got to apologize. We at Gawker did not give you any advance preparation for Mitt Romney's big economic speech at McCandless International Trucks in North Las Vegas this afternoon! Alas, the strippers and illegal fireworks portion of the program has already concluded. So you're better off just sneaking out of work early to go home and read his 160-page economic plan, on the toilet.

Why did Rick Perry completely change his mind about entering the presidential race, thereby stripping Mitt Romney of his inevitable frontrunner status? Perhaps he's too flippant about the whole deal. Or he just wants to exact revenge on Romney for dishonoring his beloved Boy Scouts, nine years ago.

Last week our nation's crack political investigators broke some big news: Mitt Romney was quadrupling the size of his La Jolla, California beach house. Quadrupling means "times four," did you know? Oh, campaign news is so cute. Without this story, we never would have known, or been able to determine from his mannerisms, that Mitt Romney was a rich person.

For a whole second time in a matter of weeks, we have footage of robotic old Northeastern Rockefeller Republican Mitt Romney raising his voice, in a public forum. This is not how your governess trained you to behave, Mittens.

So far, at least, it seems like Texas Gov. Rick Perry made a fine last-minute decision to enter the presidential race. From our side, we applaud his magical ability to produce daily blog material. And for him, he's already leading every national poll! Now the question is whether he'll completely flop and go down in American political history as a grand failure, no big deal.

Many completely correct adjectives come to mind when you think of presidential frontrunner Willard "Mittens" Romney: Slick, gross, rich, cheesy, evil, hilarious, weird, and, especially, white. But no one ever talks about how old he is. Did you know he's kind of old?

American everyman Mitt Romney has decided that his 3,009 square foot home in La Jolla, California isn't quite big enough. According to a Romney spokesman, the well coiffed GOP presidential candidate is doing a little add-on because the $12 million home "is inadequate for their needs." When renovations are complete, after the 2012 election of course, the Romney fortress will be around 11,000 square feet.

President Obama is beginning his third consecutive annual family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, in August, when literally nothing happens anywhere. On a scale from 10 to 10, how furious does this pretend to make you? Because it makes some people very pretend unhappy!

Karl Rove, whose job for the past couple of years has been to raise tens of millions of dollars to elect extreme Republican candidates to federal office, is starting to fear that the Republican presidential field is becoming too extreme.

Well holy prize-winning cow: Minnesota Congresswoman and downgrade instigator Michele Bachmann did it, she won the GOP straw poll in Iowa. Time to fry up your butter stix and celebrate/beckon death's call!

There were too many terrible parts of last night's Republican debate in Iowa. For example: Any time Tim Pawlenty did anything. But the worst, and definitely most dangerous, was when all eight contenders joined forces to be terrible together and promise to never raise taxes one cent, even if it came in a deal that gave them everything they wanted.

The Obama reelection campaign better send Mitt Romney a thank-you note today, for uttering such a clip-worthy attack ad statement — "Corporations are people too, my friend" — at the Iowa State fair today, in response to some libtard hecklers. Come on, Mittens! You, specifically, look quite bad saying such things!

The Republican candidates have all gathered in Ames, Iowa tonight for a terrifying Fox News debate. Did they really need to do this on a night with so many wonderful NFL preseason games? Lord, do they ever hate America. Anyway, what will they babble about, and who will win, and what else? Let's explore!

The folks at Team Obama, like many, see Mitt Romney as the likely Republican nominee for president, and they're already plotting how to "destroy" him, limb by limb. How will they do it? Essentially, Obama will point at Mitt Romney, look to the audience, and whisper, "Just look at this fuckin' weird loser over here, amirite?"

Remember when a Mitt Romney political action committee received a $1 million donation from "W Spann LLC," a mysterious company that was created in March and dissolved in July? And we all thought it was al Qaeda or Dr. Claw or someone? Turns out it was just a regular old rich guy!

Here's just the latest sign that our campaign finance laws are healthy in every way the Founding Fathers could have imagined: A secret company that no one knows anything about has given Mitt Romney's SuperPAC $1 million and quickly dissolved into nothingness. The folks behind this fly-by-night operation are probably relaxing on a beach in Mexico by now! Oh man.

Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show tonight with a check on the fundraising successes (or failures) of the many Republicans vying to replace President Obama in 2012. From dead-in-the-water (or in the Tiffany showroom) Newt Gingrich to migraine-afflicted Michele Bachmann, video of Stewart's assessment is above.

It's probably not a good idea for us to step into the fray of unresolvable intra-wingnut disputes, but this clip from the Sunday version of Fox News' illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends, excellently displays the social conservatives' main problem with the presidential candidacy of one Willard "Mittens" Romney: He's a Mormon, which the social cons do not merely consider a fake form of Christianity, but not a form of Christianity at all.

You know why Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination for president? Because he has the most money, the end.