The MTV Movie Awards (The Oscars of the 17-22 Demographic™) has wisely contracted director Brett Ratner, the accomplished cinematic parodist whose feature-length works are uproarious, pitch-perfect send-ups of blockbuster-producing genres like the buddy film and the summer superhero flick, to publicize a just-announced contest soliciting user-generated spoofs of their favorite Hollywood fare using a variety of pre-cleared clips and music. To get prospective entrants in the spirit of the competition, Ratner has provided his own satirical short, in which he and longtime, English-challenged collaborator Jackie Chan simulate a pitch meeting for X-Men 4, a flight of comedic fancy rendered surprisingly poignant when one remembers that it was Ratner's hilarious X:Men: The Last Stand installment that brought the beloved franchise to an abrupt end.

Hardworking professional journalists understand that all of the action these days is happening on the Internets. After this Virginia Tech student posted an account of a friend's wounding, the media—from NPR to the Boston Herald to MTV to In Touch—went right into action for the get, showing the sense and skill that makes the profession the highly-regarded industry that it is.

• Why isn't all TV like Atlanta public access TV? When we signed on to write stupid commentary about media, we were thinking media would all be like this. (Also Caitlin Flanagan and Camille Paglia totally had this conversation just last week.) Oh: NOT safe for work. [Viceland]
  

The Hills star Lauren Conrad has a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler. The Hills star Lauren Conrad doesn't have a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler. This week's Us Weekly has a four-page spread that tries to get to the heart of the matter. They rely on a couple of sources: Lauren, and a "source close to the couple." Hmm! Who??? Well, we've just gone ahead and made some edits to their item to get to the bottom of this confounding mystery.

It's real! The MisShapes coffee table book that you simply must own will at last arrive in September. Why, this MTV book is "a document of their unique world," with portraits of "cutting edge" folk, "some from different generations, alongside the youth of down town New York." Who, you ask? Who? Why: "Madonna, Yoko Ono, Michael Stipe, Axl Rose, Kelis, Peaches, Hedi Slimane, Michel Gondry, Nan Goldin, Sienna Miller, Chloe Sevigny" and much more. And "with each subject posed amidst the downtown scene's dense and riotous environment" you'll be sure to feel as if you're really there in the heart of it all, your head swirling in the toilet bowl, your nostrils flushed with some crystalline tropane alkaloid or other. What's more, the Dark DJs That Could are hitting the road in a group tour this summer—make sure you get Coldstared down at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in June!

• Sewell Chan to start new Times blog about brutal rapes, pandas. Also, the Times is moving to a new building. [NYO]
  

· U.K.'s ITV and NBC are concurrently developing their own versions of the gameshow The Great American Singing Bee from producers Phil Gurin and Bob Horowitz. But how was such a brilliant concept hatched? "Horowitz 'came to me and said, "Two words: Singing bee," ' Gurin said. 'I said, "Bingo," and we began developing it.'" NBC is also expected to buy the still-undefined, bingo-related concept mentioned in the pitch duo in the coming days, which could involve people shouting at a cage full of numbered ping-pong balls and become a natural companion piece to current hit Deal or No Deal. [Variety]
· EMI makes deal with Apple to sell songs online without digital rights management protection, which will allow iTunes users to download all the copy-protection-free Coldplay songs their iPods can handle. [THR]
· Stephen King's son accepts his birthright of having his horror novel adapted into a feature film, with Neil Jordan directing and Akiva Goldman producing a movie version of Heart-Shaped Box, a spooky tale of a haunted killer suit bought on eBay. [Variety]
· While CBS wins the evening in the 18-49 demo with the NCAA tournament championship game, its final number will probably indicate it was the fourth-lowest-rated one in the last 10 years. Take that, Joakim Noah! [THR]
· MTV greenlights the Ashton Kutcher game show pilot 3 Kings, hoping that their relationship with the star won't fizzle out after Punk'd ends after its upcoming, final season. [Variety]

Viacom—which yesterday reported fourth-quarter earnings of $480.8 million—doesn't want its employees on the other side of the Atlantic to feel like they've been left out of all the recent firing fun. To that end, reports the Guardian, the company "plans to axe around 250 jobs from its MTV Networks International business, which operates channels including MTV, Nickelodeon and VH1 in the UK. This represents around 8% of MTVNI's total workforce of 3,257." Tough break, kids. At least you go out knowing your freed-up salaries will help finance that Joost deal!

• MTV names reality TV queen to head programming. Expect lots more pimping and punking! [MediaPost]
  

One of the drawbacks to watching MTV's Laguna Beach spinoff The Hills is that you kinda know what's going to happen, because everyone has already reported on it as it occurred in real-time. Like, Lauren's relationship with Nicole Richie's ex Brody Jenner? We know it happens, and also that it ends.

Good news for Times Square, for New Jersey Uggs-wearing high school girls, and for people who like it when Jossip is wrong. At least according to MTV president Christina Norman, MTV's TRL will continue to "air like always," although things will "operate more efficiently downstairs." We can only assume that's some sort of veiled jab at Vanessa Minnillo. Anyway, the full email— in which the words "eternally grateful" are applied to MTV2 staffers—is after the jump.

Sad news for fans of Nick Jr. Family Magazine's incisive Blue's Clues coverage—the mag will cease publication after this April's issue. The kiddie mag with circulation roughly equivalent to that of the New Yorker is kaput. After the jump, editor in chief Freddi Greenberg writes the kind of "I'm going back to blogging" email that David Remnick will never have to send.

Congrats to Viacom honcho Sumner Redstone on this morning's wildly unimpressive class A stock mini-bounce after the bloodletting at their subsidiary, MTV Networks. All worth it, pal?
Viacom [Yahoo! Finance]

The latest:

This just in:

You hear it first:

From a Comedy Central internal email:

Last week, we spread the rumor that MTV would be firing around 500 people this week. This morning, chairman and CEO Judy McGrath sent around an email—at 6:17 a.m., no less—announcing that in order to "explore new business models" because their "industry is at an inflection point" (??), only 250 people will be let go. The full email is after the jump; please read it and let us know if you're any clearer on what an 'inflection point' is afterwards.

We're hearing that "as many as" 500 people may be let go at MTV Networks "as early as next week." And another tipster reports that "Viacom is so pissed off at MTV Networks for missing their targets and being late on their true financial estimates for the end of 2006 that they are docking every staffer's quoted bonus by at least 15 percent .... Coming from a company that has plumped up their bonus payout for the past many years, docking their resources to an 85 percent payout will hurt like crazy and prompt many of them (both junior and senior) to pack their bags." Perhaps involuntarily, it would seem. Looks like Gideon Yago got out just in time.

Since the latest season of Laguna Beach was a total bomb, it's perhaps not surprising that MTV is looking closer to home for its newest series. Quoting from a Brooklyn Tech newsletter: "MTV's newest soon-to-be hit show is Brooklyn. The premise is to paint an accurate picture for America of what life is like for the average Brooklyn high school student." Okay, we admit we're more than a little excited. Scenes from the Fulton Mall! Exclusive barbecues in Prospect Park! Prom at the Brooklyn Marriott!