• What's truly heartbreaking about Brad Pitt's forthcoming spawn, currently festering in Angelina Jolie's womb, is what the new baby will do to Jolie's two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. Kids, say hi to your new, gorgeous replacement! [NYDN]
• Katie Couric's contract with the Today show isn't up until May, and she can't even negotiate with CBS until then. So she'd appreciate it if you'd just shut the fuck up about what's next and focus on her legs. [Lowdown]
• Why did Jessica Simpson and her boyfriend/father Joe get angry when George Lopez cracked jokes at Nick Lachey's expense? Was it because Lopez just doesn't have good delivery? [Page Six]
• Kate Moss' ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty pleaded guilty to cocaine and heroin possession. Hasn't this happened already, like, seven times? [R&M (last item)]
• Macauley Culkin is preparing to marry actress Mila Kunis. We salute her bravery. [IMDb]
• So who was the weepy blonde crackhead trying to crash an event at Alain Ducasse at the Essex House? Here's a hint: She's on this page. [Page Six]

• It's been almost 5 years since publicist Lizzie Grubman mowed over 16 people at the Hamptons' Conscience Point Inn, but she's still doing her time in court. Yesterday Grubman answered questions for the only remaining civil suit, filed by a victim who suffered a bruised rib. Rest assured, it was a very expensive, pricey rib. [Page Six]
• Star Jones writes of her "intoxicatingly sexual relationship" with hubby Al Reynolds. You, in the meantime, gouge out your eyes and pray for some dark horsemen to make it all go away. [R&M]
• The reason behind Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's split? He liked to wear her shoes. Paging Peter Braunstein! [People]
• Online casino BetUs.com offers Lindsay Lohan a nice Costa Rican rehab package if she'll shill for the site. Obviously, their publicist is Ronn [sic] Torossian. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Kevin Federline tells Ryan Seacrest that everything is "wonderful" between him and wife Britney Spears. Even better, they're NOT planning to have a second child just yet, so you can sleep soundly tonight. [IMDb]
• Page Six retracts yesterday's story about a bikini clad Sara Moonves (daughter of Les). That's what happens when you source shit through "Perez Hilton." [Page Six]

• Divorce is never easy, and it's certainly less so when the couple is also battling for the public's favor. Polls of People and Star magazines' readers reveal that most blame Jessica Simpson for her breakup with Nick Lachey, leading Simpson's publicist Rob Shuter to allegedly plant all sorts of nasty items about Lachey in the gossip columns — including a big one yesterday. [Lowdown]
• A Church of Scientology's alternative medicine consultant is facing indictment for fraud, grand theft, and malpractice. Shocking, we know, but it's not her fault — she was only OT III and clearly didn't know what she was doing. [Page Six]
• Bill Clinton makes a videotaped appearance at Elton John's bachelorette party. The man just can't stay away from the feminine types. [Gatecrasher]
• Scarlett Johansson thinks director Woody Allen is obsessed with her love life because he's married and wants to live vicariously. Yeah, sweetie, that's it. [Scoop (last item)]

• Nick Lachey may sell his side of the divorce story to OK! magazine for $300k, complete with the help of Jamie-Lynn Sigler's ex-husband, A.J. DiScala. As if this weren't classy enough, Lachey may also be investing in megaclub Pacha. Dude's got to keep up with Jessica's post-breakup collagen, after all. [Page Six]
• FBI agents are investigating the Crazy Horse Too strip club in Vegas for racketeering and have interviewed some of the joint's biggest clients, including Robert DeNiro and George Clooney. Anything to get near Clooney, we suppose. [R&M]
• Let's put it this way: If Kate Moss's omni-addicted ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty doesn't have HIV, it's a Christmas miracle. [Page Six]
• Speaking of Christmas miracles, Naomi Campbell actually apologizes to David Bowie for getting her bitch on with Bowie's wife, Iman. [Gatecrasher]
• Nathan Lane mocks Brokeback Mountain on the Today show, and the actor's membership in the Gay Club is thus revoked. [Lowdown]
• Shirley MacLaine is no Paris Hilton. She is, however, quite the Nicole Richie. [Scoop]

• Will Michael Cooke's NYDN departure cause problems for Bravo reality show about the paper? Even worse: What about Hud Morgan's departure? [NYP]
• Jon Friedman thinks ABC fucked up its anchor decision. [MW]
• Even so, ABC's changes give a glimpse at CBS's future. [NYO]
• How did Us get the Nick-and-Jessica scoop? Through Dan Klores, the publicist the mag and the couple share, according to Access Hollywood. [MIN]
• Maureen may be everywhere these days, but the books she's flogging is "a glib, d j vu compendium of every Newsweek-style pop-science zeitgeist piece of the last 15 years." [VV]
• NYT Co. announces ad hikes, a $40M cost for layoffs. And says it won't give any earnings guidance for 2006, which can't be a good sign. [NYT]
• The Source is evicted from its offices. Which can't be a good sign. [NYP]

• Increasingly tired of footing the bill for her baby daddy's chav-luxe lifestyle, Britney Spears is attempting to repossess the $200k Ferrari she bought for husband Kevin Federline. We assume she'll still pay for his current room and board at the Beverly Hills Hotel, however, which kinda takes away from the effect of his punishment. [Page Six]
• Predictably, the source of the rumors of Jessica Simpson's infidelity may have come from her assistant, CaCee. Never trust someone who can't spell her own name right. [Lowdown]
• If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's virgin birth produces a son, will that make him Scientology's baby Jesus? [Scoop]
• It's not that we're bothered by supermodel Gisele Bundchen's insistence that her ass remain covered. It's that she consistently refers to it as her "booty." [Page Six]
• At the Museum of Moving Image's tribute to Ron Howard, an impromptu roast of Russell Crowe ensues. Maybe Russell wouldn't have stolen the spotlight if Opie weren't so damn boring. [R&M]

Click to enlarge.

The new National Enquirer is out today, and the granddaddy of the gossipy celeb rags is quick to lay its own claim to Us Weekly's Nick-and-Jessica-split scoop: The Enquirer suggests it's the supermarket weekly's photograph — the one above (click to enlarge it) — that actually caused the breakup:

• It's the mother of all conspiracy theories: did Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck sign a secret deal with Starbucks to be constantly photographed by paparazzi while holding their venti white mochas? It's so evil, we're inclined to believe it. Lord knows the Olsens signed that contract ages ago. [Lowdown]
• Nick Lachey may have found out that his split from Jessica Simpson was about to be made public courtesy of Simpson's rep Rob Shuter, but he may still come out on top: The couple didn't sign a prenup. Kevin Federline would be proud. [Page Six]
• The world continues to turn on star journo Bob Woodward; now John Belushi's widow, who encouraged friends to aid Woodward in writing her husband's biography, says she regrets the choice and is assembling a book full of anti-Woodward sentiments. [R&M]
• Judith Regan's PR director, Paul Crichton, quit and has all but disappeared after being questioned about unauthorized spending. We also hear he's changed his cell phone number, but we don't suppose that'll deter Regan from the scent of his blood. [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson may not be the biological father of his two children. See? It's NOT incest. [Scoop]

• Prepare your feeble gullets and blue-collar livers for the triumphant glory of Trump: The Booze: The Poster! [Defamer]
• Times Boldfacer Campbell Robertson does his best to grapple with the disintegration of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage, especially since Simpson told Boldface in September that her marriage was solid. Don't take it personally, but, yes, honey, she lied to you. She lied to all of us. [NYT]
• Actor Ralph Fiennes considers suing the Post after a Page Six item claimed he was "canoodling" with Gina Gershon at a recent rock show. Since we got that same press release from the venue and "canoodling" was nowhere in the original item, we'd have to venture that some Posties may be guilty as charged. [LA.com]
• Perplexed over the appropriate holiday gift for someone you've just started dating? Don't be — everyone loves Christmas anal. [NY Sun]
• Finally, a Thrillist suggestion we can get behind: feed the fratboys poisonous fish. [Thrillist]

• Nick Lachey is quick on the rebound (as we're sure his marriage to Jessica Simpson just ended last week and not, like, last year); the single houseboy was seen cuddling with a nice set of boobies in Miami. Meanwhile, Tara Reid has ingratiated herself to Paris Hilton's ex-fiancé Paris Latsis, but Latsis is too smart to actually touch the boozehound. [Page Six]
• And on the professional front, Lachey enlists the flackitude of Ken Sunshine (publicist to Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio) to tackle the inevitable assault from Simpson's new bulldog rep, Rob Shuter. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Pinchedly pretty actress Nicole Kidman continues to spend increasing amounts of time with her "friend," country singer Keith Urban. Kidman and her family spent Thanksgiving with Urban's family in Nashville, and on Saturday night, Kidman and Urban made it to second base. [R&M]
• Claire Danes comes out in favor of anti-depressants; psychiatric medication is Hollywood's new African AIDS crisis.
• Michael Jackson hates all Jews and Italians over the age of 12. [Page Six]

• The day Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced their separation, Star and Celebrity Living had covers suggesting the couple's pregnancy. Surely they'll save face by giving Simpson a miscarriage next week. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan's reign of fucking continues towards its inevitable end: Johnny Knoxville. [Lowdown (last item)]
• At the Australian Film Industry Awards, Russell Crowe mocks his phone-throwing incident by bringing an old phone on stage and threatening the audience with it. Those who didn't laugh were promptly beaten. [IMDb]
• The Lower East Side is far from perfect, but its denizens still scare off Ashlee Simpson. [Page Six]
• Jayson Blair returns to 43rd street to film a Swedish interview outside the Times building. Some editors reportedly opened their windows and said hello, presumably with water baloons and shaving cream-filled condoms. [R&M (2nd item)]

We here at Gawker are never — never — happy to see the dissolution of a celebrity marriage. Love in Famousville doesn't come easy, and we are nothing but sympathetic to the countless hearts broken by the glare of the spotlight.

• The original Cosmo girl, 83-year-old Helen Gurley Brown, wanted so badly to be on Ellen DeGeneres's talk show that she sent in an "audition tape" featuring her performing a choreographed dance to the best of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The adorable dinosaur even sported a leotard, but apparently that didn't arouse Ellen's libido. [Gatecrasher]
• Porn star Jessica Jaymes is attempting to sell a story of her sexual encounter with Jessica Simpson's pseudo-hubby Nick Lachey for $1 million. No one's interested, perhaps because no one's really surprised. [Page Six]
• Yoko Ono is pissed that Dateline NBC commemorated the 25th anniversary of husband John Lennon's death by devoting airtime to his killer, as opposed to promoting her new book. [R&M]
• In the latest GQ, Woman of the Year Jennifer Aniston lashes out at Page Six's Richard Johnson, saying his coverage of of her breakup with Brad Pitt "was just a game to him, this sick [expletive]." Aw, Jen — Johnson's not playing games. He takes his sick shit very seriously. [Page Six]
• Jake Gyllenhaal denies rumors that he used a body double for his meat-tastic role in Jarhead. We certainly hope he didn't, or else that'll destroy the imagery for our top 5 masturbatory fantasies. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Jenna Jameson uses MySpace.com? Strange days, people. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

• Jessica Simpson gets dumped by her publicist, who's tired of lying to the world about miserable state of Simpson's marriage. Could the PR industry be having its Jerry Maguire moment? Nah.
• Wenner honcho Kent Brownridge is (possibly) forced into an early retirement, courtesy of big Jann himself. Sadly, his possible successor is fresh from rehab — that's no fun.
• Sexual assault suspect and fake fireman Peter Braunstein continues to flit about New York, and yet no one can seem to catch the mofo. Especially not the hipsters or Greg Lindsay.
• Kimberly Stewart, eager to be more Paris Hilton than we can stomach, gets engaged to barely-legal Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero.
• Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest could adopt the most beautiful gay babies.
• Time mag begins its debate on the person of the year, and you predictably voted for Mother Nature.
• Gawker Media makes a distribution deal with Yahoo!, which sanitizes us without completely selling out.
• Inside TV folds, and TV Guide lays off editors who need to take a personal leave.
• And Mort Zuckerman reminds his staffers that in the Jew's house, Christmas doesn't mean shit.

Determined to prove that they are nothing if not honorable purveyors of God-honest fluff, Us Weekly has actually enlisted the aid of Jack Trimarco and Paul Eckman, lying experts who have worked with the FBI and helped Al Qaeda interrogations. Now, they've stopped questioning terrorists for the sake of infotainment, and have instead turned their attention to stage-dad Joe Simpson and his denials of Nick and Jessica's marital problems.

• Despite the public denials and a recent Italian vacation courtesy of OK! magazine, Jackass Bam Margera confirms Nick and Jessica's split to Us Weekly, Nick hits Vegas, and Jessica spends their third wedding anniversary in Nairobi. At this point, we think it's safe to say that this marriage is floating face-down in the bathtub of love. [Page Six]
• Biographer Andrew Morton — who's covered Princess Di, Madonna, and Monica Lewinsky — has set his sights on Tom Cruise for a book coming out through St. Martin's Press next fall. That is, if he doesn't wind up in a cement block far beneath the Scientology Celebrity Center first. [R&M]
• Tina Brown and Harold Evans host the party for Shopgirl at their 57th Street dungeon. We presume there was no ping-ponging for Claire Danes. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Only dark, moody Irish gangsters can save NBC's Jeff Zucker. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton insists that she didn't fuck violent actor Tom Sizemore. She made love, you heathens. [Scoop]

• Clearly the most important news of our generation, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are (probably) over. Where were you when you found out? Still grieving over the loss of Paris and Paris, no doubt.
• Fear not! We have lost The Newlyweds, but we have gained STAB BABY
• It was kind of a siren-heavy week. Until our lives were on the line.
• Oh, Kate, Kate, Kate.
• Hey hipster! Time just called you a fag!
• We'd just trashed Lauren Weisberger when, without missing a beat, we did it again.
• Gawker fouding editor Elizabeth Spiers still haunts these servers — if you say her name three times before a mirror, a comment-section shitstorm erupts.
• This handy predictive Thursday Styles post will be re-run weekly from here on out.
• What Gawker week would be complete without Radar and Lohan crashing and burning?
• Blogs is big business now. Congrats to Mr. Calacanis, we'll try to spell your name correctly starting... now!
• Oh, Judy, Judy, Judy.
• Oh yes, and some actor fellow got some young starlet in a family way.

We've just received terribly important updates in our two pet stories to close out the week. First, from the Observer's Media Mob:

• Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson issue the standard denial in response to yesterday's celebrity weekly bukkake over their break-up; Us Weekly stands by their report. Perhaps the denial has something to do with that exclusive contract Simpson signed with OK!, which apparently guarantees the mag exclusive rights to all Simpson coverage. As if anyone's going to care once OK! "breaks" this story. [Page Six]
• Madonna is reportedly trying to convince Oprah Winfrey to convert to Kabbalah. If, God forbid, this happens, it's only a few short episodes of Oprah until the entire world has fallen under the red-string spell. [R&M]
• Bespectacled hostess Georgette Mosbacher agrees to throw the book party for Michael Gross's 740 Park, which exposes the inner-workings of the absurdly wealthy cattery. Naturally, Morsbachers socialite friends are horrified, just horrified. [Lowdown]
• Kevin Federline is a fantastic baby daddy but, it seems, a decidedly less-than-fantastic daddy. We're sure once he leaves Britney, he'll be much better to the little Federletus. [Scoop]
• Everyone on West 71st Street hates their neighbor, Today co-host Ann Curry. And you thought that on-camera schtick was just a persona. [Page Six]