Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?

Though we caught not a single minute of NBC's gospel-singing throwdown Clash of the Choirs, we nonetheless thought you might like to know that the ragtag group assembled by Nick Lachey (a 20-strong force that "included teachers, a chili server, a nurse, cell phone and software salesmen, choir directors and college students" ) was triumphant on last night's series finale. While we're sure the hard-fought victory was sweet enough on its own, Nick and Dancing with the Stars champ brother Drew have to be pleased that the result has firmly established the Lacheys as the winningest family in the history of televised semicelebrity talent competitions. [Breitbart]

Hey, remember when were were all sort of disgusted but secretly aroused by those o-face pix of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo in a Mexican hot tub? Well! There's more where that came from. Don't you hate it when you get breast implants that make it look like your tits are glancing in opposite directions? Yeah, we imagine Vanessa does too. Also: bushier than you'd think!

• The beginning of reality television star and improbable mommy Nicole Richie's trial on charges of driving under the influence has been delayed til August 16. Which is exactly when she'll shockingly miscarry. Duh. [AP]
  

The Associated Press reports that the Nielsen measurement service will change the way it tracks online viewing habits.

Here are our reactions, in order, to the pix floating around the internets this morning of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo boning in a Mexican hot tub. "HA! Ewwwww. Hmm. Kinda hot!" Possibly there's something wrong with us.



Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey Really Enjoyed Their Hot Tub [Fleshbot] (actually pretty SFW as these things go)

• Nick and Vanessa believe the camera will steal their soul. [Page Six]
  

• Lindsay Lohan wants a break from whatever it is that she does for living. [MSNBC]
  

• Are Jessica Simpson and John Mayer dating? Is Jessica's body a wonderland? Do daughters become lovers become mothers? Some other crappy innuendo-joke-laden John Mayer lyric? [People]
• Meanwhile, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo appear to be getting more serious about their relationship. Individually, they remain ridiculous. [Page Six]
• Brian Williams and Katie Couric have a competition to see who can have the biggest billboard. We can't wait to see who cares? [Page Six]
• Michael Lohan offers a detailed analysis of his prison-made editorial cartoon. That's funny enough. [Lowdown]
• Rush and Malloy say "The laughter has definitely gone out of Joe Piscopo's marriage now that the former Saturday Night Live star and wife Kimberly are divorcing." We say "Joe Piscopo was never funny." [R&M]
• "Rosie Drops Some pre-View Details." Retains all pre-View pounds. [TMZ]

With the exercise ball endorsement racket not as lucrative as it once was, Nick Lachey has decided to look elsewhere for goods and services to which he can attach his name, which has evolved into a trusted brand synonymous with bad music and tabloid oversaturation. YFly, the latest venture to get the Nick Lachey stamp of approval, is a recent entrant into the crowded category of online communities. But where field leader MySpace may reign supreme with its sheer number of subscribers, it also suffers from a scourge of faked celebrity home pages. Not YFly, however, which guarantees "real celebrities, athletes, and artists - no posers!" among the "kick a** people" in its database. And how do you know your new friend is the "DaREALJessAlba," and not just some balding, middle-aged impostor preying on horny and gullible teenage boys? By marking their profiles "Certified Celebrity." Their brief FAQ explains how Lachey fits into the picture:

• Famous words from the world's best children's entertainer, who has now been sacked from PBS for once appearing in an abstinence parody wherein she said the following: "I've got big plans for my future: a good college, a career, maybe even my own business someday. But one thing I'm not planning on is getting pregnant. That's why I choose anal sex. I mean sure, it hurts a little, and I wind up walking funny for a day or two. But I think my future's worth it." [Salon]
• Scarlett Johansson signs a multi-year deal with Reebok to develop some sort of inevitably pink-hued clothing line called "Scarlett Hearts Rbk." Way to throw all of your hard work down the drain, missy. [Brandweek]
• Get Tabloid Wars — and Greg Gittrich — free on iTunes! [iTunes]
• Usefulness aside, we're getting a little sick of the 17 different star systems New York mag uses for their restaurant reviews. [Eater]
• Today in the world of inexplicable shit: Yvette Clarke has hired Ronn [sic] Torossian to help with her congressional campaign. [Daily Politics]
• OMG, so, like, Nick Lachey is totes gonna be on TRL tomorrow. We can't wait to watch Vanessa Minnillo go down on him in front of a live studio audience! [ONTD]

• Daddy stalks best: In the seven months between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's separation, dad Joe Simpson was keeping a close eye on Nick, asking clubs for security footage from when Nick was present with Vanessa Minnillo and CaCee Cobb. [Gatecrasher]
• Meanwhile, faux-troubled Entertainment Tonight hostess Minnillo pisses off her neighbors by dating the paparazzi and Nick Lachey; fellow co-op residents much preferred ex-boyfriend Derek Jeter, whose autograph was actually worth something. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley leaves 4th husband Peter Cook after learning that he's been banging a 19-year-old assistant at his architecture firm — the ultimate blow to an aging supermodel's self-esteem. [NYDN]
• Rapper claims that her former assistant who is charging her with abuse and harassment is a liar; the woman, Rasheeda Ellis, lied about references and tried to leak Brown's personal emails to two gossip reporters. Come to think of it, Lloyd Grove does seem to write quite a bit about Foxy. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis enter the "friends with privileges" stage. We can't think of two people who deserve each other's herpes more. [TMZ]
• Did you hear about those two drunks at Soho House? [Lowdown]

We were trying to make sense of today's LAT story on the ongoing FBI investigation of a former Us Weekly editor accused of hacking into (read: using someone else's password to access) the magazine's e-mail system to gain an unfair competitive advantage in obtaining scoops about the newest busty brunette with whom Nick Lachey may be having intercourse, when our eye drifted over to the Related News box at the right hand side of the page. The article does mention Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards by name, and is certainly an "entertainment" story, but there is no explicit mention of "hot chicks"—trust us, we checked. (In the name of research, we also visited the web presence of the aforementioned brunette to confirm her hair color and relative bustiness, and she checks out on both counts. We are nothing if not thorough.) But compounding the sin of the Topix Related News box's cynical attempt at attracting click-throughs with suggestive keywords is the fact that no "Hot Chicks" topic page exists. [Audible gasp.] We trust that the FBI will immediately abandon its piddling Us Weekly investigation and launch a new probe into Topix's criminally misleading practices.

• Yesterday, we watched Britney cry to Matt Lauer that celebrities "are people, too!" Today, we learn that she changed her baby's diaper on the FLOOR next to a cash register at Victoria's Secret. This pretty much clears up any confusion about whether or not Britney's a person — she's not even a primate. Where the hell is the manny when this stuff happens? [Us Weekly]
• The battle of Paris and Lindsay continues: Hilton tries to pick a fight with Lohan, Lohan takes the high road and walks away, Hilton responds by performing a striptease for Eli Manning. [Page Six]
• An Us Weekly reporter gets pepper-sprayed by security when trying to get pics of Oliver Hudson's weekend wedding. Seems like quite a length to go for Goldie Hawn's other kid. [R&M (last item)]
• Keith Olbermann says Rita Cosby is "dumber than a suitcase full of rocks." Suspiciously masculine rocks, that is. [Lowdown]
• Liza Minelli's estranged, plasticine husband David Gest is accused of sexually harrassing his personal assistant, grabbing his jingly bits and punctuating orders with dirty talk. If true, Gest deserves every beating Liza ever gave him. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey hooks up with MTV's Vanessa Minnillo, ensuring that Jessica Simpson will never again grace the set of TRL. [Scoop]
• For Michael Jackson, the proceeds from his Katrina charity single will go to straight to his pocket. After all, someone's gotta pay for his new earlobe. [Fox411]

According to TMZ.com, Jessica Simpson has offered Nick Lachey a divorce settlement of "less than $1.5 million," an f-off number way beneath the 50 percent he's entitled to, with Simpson allegedly banking on the fact that Lachey will sooner accept the sum than engage in a nasty and embarrassing legal battle for his share of her earnings. Simpson's father/manager/creepy stringpuller Joe Simpson put in a call, TMZ reports, attempting to convince his former son-in-liability to take the money and run:

• You may find this hard to believe, but Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes likely have no plans to marry. They do, of course, have plans to endure one another for the proper amount of time before he abruptly dumps her and she tries save her career. But let's be clear: Joey Potter is no Kidman. [Awful Truth]
• Miss Kentucky 2002 offers herself up to Nick Lachey during the Derby parties, but he politely declines. After all, he's got a lovesick image to maintain and a single to promote. When stuff goes gold, then he'll fuck freely. [Lowdown]
• Today in Chardenade Heatherich, Richie Sambora denies having an affair with Denise Richards. You know, just to keep the story moving along. [IMDb]
• So howzabout that rehabbing congressman Patrick Kennedy? Turns out that before he was popping prescription painkillers, he was a coked up young legislator wearing blackface to daddy's parties. Oh, those fun-loving Kennedy boys — such a hoot! [R&M]
• For its list of the best bars in America, Esquire lists New York's 21, Julius, and Bill's Gay 90s. Shockingly, Nevada Smith's did not make the final cut. [Page Six]

• Star Jones is allegedly out at the View — in fact, Rosie O'Donnell's arrival was conditional on Jones' departure, a demand Barbara Walters was all too happy to meet. We don't know whether to be happy or sad. On one hand, we won't have to look at Star's melting face anymore; on the other, now we'll never get to see her and Rosie wrestle in a pool of poop soup. [Page Six]
• Whenever he entered the Tribeca Grand Hotel last week, John Travolta demanded that the music be turned off, forcing a dramatic hush to fall over the room. Unfortunately, not even Scientology offers an explanation for this one. [R&M]
• Anthony Pellicano's associate Paul Barresi hands over notes detailing the identities of several tabloid sources, including Sly Stallone's mother and Cher's daughter Chastity Bono. Most interestingly, Oprah's niece Alisha had been selling her out. Guess someone's not getting a free car this year. [Lowdown]
• Is Tori Spelling growing a silicone fetus in her plastic womb? [Scoop]
• Bijou Phillips climbs back aboard the crazy train. Good thing — her acting "career" really hadn't been so entertaining. [Page Six]
• Until his single really takes off, Nick Lachey will never get over Jessica Simpson. [Access]

Nick Lachey's tearful testimonial to Rolling Stone about the end of his marriage—you know, the one that was poised to perfectly coincide with the release of his album and land him on the cover, but instead landed him on the front of RS sister publication Us Weekly working his best gay cruise billboard model look—has devastated ex-wife Jessica Simpson, according to an anonymous, yappy-mouthed "friend" of Lachey's:

Page Six reports that Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about the sad disintegration of his cherished reality show marriage because he was promised the story would run on its cover. But wily RS publisher Jann Wenner pulled a C-list bait-and-switch on Lachey, demoting him to the cover of his other publication, glossy rag US Weekly. What's more, Nick appeared on US shirtless and engaged in the classic gay personals photo cheat stance: arms crossed and folded, thereby inflating manboobs to maximum capacity.

• Us Weekly announces that Britney Spears is pregnant again. You sleep with K-Fed once, fine. We all make mistakes. But to let that thing into your pants twice? That's cause for a public stoning. Meanwhile: sculptors, please get started on your new pieces. [Us Weekly]
• Nick Lachey feels the sting of Jann Wenner's cruel editorship: after sitting down for an interview thinking it would be for the cover of Rolling Stone, he was surprised to find himself on the cover of Us instead. That's what he gets for not talking more shit about his creepy former father-in-law. [Page Six]
• Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher continues to solicit pity in her new memoir. At any rate, we pity her for actually writing the thing. [R&M]
• West Winger wunderwriter Aaron Sorkin takes his crack-smoking past and turns it into art. Naturally, Matthew Perry has a co-starring role. [Page Six]
• Yesterday we declared Denise Richards to be one of the dumbest rocks to ever rest in the celebrity garden, but maybe we misjudged. By playing nice with the paparazzi, Richards maintains the upper hand in the celebrity weekly war. [Lowdown]
• Rather than put in 240 hours of community service for drunk driving, Lost star Michelle Rodriguez opts for 5 days in the slammer. Bitch is hardcore. [TMZ]