With news that Paris Hilton is just dying to plan a "double wedding" with Nicole Richie and baby daddy Joel Madden, we've decided that the heiress has a hard time determining what exactly makes for marriage material. Hilton and Madden's brother Benji haven't even announced any engagements via blog post yet, but Paris isn't wasting any time daydreaming about matching hers and Nicole's matching wedding gowns and, if we're lucky, an off-key duet of "Stars Are Blind" sung at the altar by the dual vocal powerhouse that is P&N. But at just 26, just how many times has Paris found the man she plans on spending the rest of her beautiful life with? We took a look back at the modern day Liz Taylor in the making:

Paris Hilton, heiress and sufferer of chronic droop-eye, would like to breed. She is currently dating one Benji Madden, who allegedly plays for some sort of musical group called "Good Charlotte," and would like to settle down and start a family. But! Trouble is brewing! Paris's on-again-off-again fake best friend, Nicole Richie (sort-of heiress, Peruvian shrunken head) thinks that Paris is just copying her! Nicole is married to fucking Benji's brother, Joel, who is also in this "Good Charlotte." And Nicole just had a baby, Harlow, and now Paris wants one too?? She's such a copycat! Plus, Nicole has to stay home with this stinky baby while Paris gets to bop around Europe with the brothers Madden? So unfair. Next thing you know Paris is going to grab Nicole's arm and say "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself." [Showbiz Spy]

Generation Rx sounded pretty cool when the term was first coined, but now that Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney and Lindsay have all boarded the Adderall bandwagon, we fear the pill-popping twenty-something crowd has officially snorted the shark. According to reports in both the New York Daily News and on abc.com, crushing the little blue pills and snorting them is the oh-so-coolest way to stay skinny, replacing old time faves caffeine, cigs and (if you're adventurous) cocaine. But just as we started hating on all the celebs using the pill-of-the-week to lose weight, we read a bit more about who else in Hollywood is hooked on the jitterbuggy meds. After the jump, learn which highest of highbrow actresses is also suspected of Adderall addiction:

With Nicole Richie playing house for the next five minutes or so, Kim Kardashian having moved on to mall clothing endorsements and her own show, and sister Nicky entrapped in a brand new anorexia scandal, Paris Hilton has no one to play with. Not even her hypersexual litter of puppies. So she's prepared to do what Britney and Jessica Simpson did before her: pay someone to be her friend. Teaming up with MTV and Ish Entertainment, Paris announced the debut of her next reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, in which 20 lucky boys and girls will prove to Paris that they're capable of being loyal, trustworthy pals who won't try to feel her up or plan porny video attacks mid-party. As Paris herself put it, "[I am looking for] someone I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with." But what does the winner get in exchange?

Say what you will about Nicole Richie, but the bitch has good return on investment. People magazine snagged pictures of her "perfect" baby at the discounted rate of $1 million. The little bundle of joy is on track to sell 1.8 million copies. Christina Aguilera, who sold pictures of her precious angel Max for $1.5 million, sold only an estimated 1.3 million copies. Guess that settles whose baby is loved more.

• Kate Hudson is, once again, riding the Butterscotch Stallion. She and fellow actor Owen Wilson had a weird double-date in Miami with Jennifer Aniston and Eric Dane the night after Hudson spent time with Wilson at a 10-bedroom mansion, having been spotted on the way in by crafty paparazzi. Their friends are totally against it.

With hot-headed debates regarding the sales of (People! Exclusive!!) Christina Aguilera's baby blabber cover story in January versus (People! Exclusive!!) Nicole Richie's baby blabber cover last week, the chattering newsies are heatedly trying to get to the bottom of a quasi-intellectual argument about fame and newsstand sales. According to an MSNBC source, the Richie issue "sold more than 1.8 million copies...whereas Aguilera's has sold far less." But why the greater public interest in the ostensibly careerless Richie, as opposed to the Grammy award-winning Aguilera? Apparently, weekly readers like them some knocked up druggies and the weeklies know it:

Casting a star in a Broadway production tends to either bomb disastrously (Julia Roberts in Three Days of Rain, anyone?) or succeed spectacularly (Fantasia in The Color Purple, who killed). So when we heard the news that Nicole Richie is up for the role as Roxie in the long-running Chicago, we got nervous. Sure, she'll bring in the tweens, but can the girl actually sing? We did some investigating on that "debut album" Richie promised her public way back in 2005, and found a scratchy YouTube video featuring one single called "Dandelion" that may or may not have been planned for release. And we're no Simon Cowell, but we predict she'll breeze through "Funny Honey" much more smoothly than cringey-voiced Renee Zellweger did in the Oscar-winning flick. Judge for yourselves after the jump.

As Broadway producers continue to dance gleefully on the grave of Fred Ebb, it should not be surprising to find out that Nicole Richie, professional rich person's daughter and drug addict (and newly babied!), has been offered the lead role of Roxie in Chicago. Blargh. Many big fucking idiots have trotted through that show, like Ashlee Simpson (in the London production), so I guess it makes sense. Though whoever is playing Velma will probably mistake her for a cane and twirl her around during "Nowadays." That may be worth seeing. [Us]

After shelling out a reported $1MM to Nicole Richie and That Guy From Good Charlotte, People unveiled their Super! Exclusive! Must! Credit! People! baby photos of Harlow Winter Kate Madden today. And something about those droopy eyes and vacant glare do suggest that Joel Madden is indeed the father. Although we don't yet see any resemblance to Mama Nicole, Harlow is definitely packing junk in the...cheeks. But that's a good thing! For a close-up of the just-under-two-month-old sporting the grim expression of someone who knows that their life is going to turn into a True Hollywood Story, click through.

Attached, Nicole Richie's million dollar baby. As in one-million dollars, the price paid by People for the exclusive. Holy buckets, you say—what an expensive baby! You, sir, are naive. This is the bargain baby! Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was worth $4m. Jennifer Lopez's new twins went for more than $3m each! (How awesome would it have been, actually, if Jennifer had sold one twin to People and the other to OK!?) Even Christina Aguilera's loser baby was worth $1.5! And once Angelina has this next phantom baby the photo will probably cost some outlet enough to publicly finance the presidential election. Or like ten minutes of Iraq! This is the business model that will save the magazine industry. And keep our celebrities the way we like them: pregnant and complicit in the exploitation of their families. [Related]

Flak-cum-designer Jonathan Cheban is throwing a party in Miami for his upcoming 32nd birthday. Could he really be encouraging guests to buy gifts off a list? The unconfirmed rumor: that Cheban, a friend of B-list celebrities like Nicole Richie, is registered at Barney's. Undying gratitude to anyone who can send us a screenshot, or a link.

When it comes to getting every last detail concerning Nicole Richie's eating habits, partying habits and exact partying schedule (down to the minute!), Us Weekly truly is the Economist of its genre. Reporting that new parents Nicole Richie and Joel Madden attended "Four Parties in Just Two Days!", the weekly takes gossip hounding to a whole new level. In this one story alone, there are no less than five time-stamps detailing the duo's every move and remark. For example: "She sipped on a tiny glass of champagne at 1:12 a.m. before heading home to check up on Harlow at 1:48 a.m." Thanks, Us! Not only were we on the edge of our seat wondering how large her champagne flute was, but the other night at 1:48am, we couldn't sleep without knowing for sure that Harlow Richie Madden was "checked up on." We feel so pacified we're not even gonna step out for our daily stress-relieving smoke break. [Usmagazine.com]

· Nicole Richie and That Guy From Good Charlotte had a bouncing baby girl and, as celebrities are wont to do, gave her two middle names. The diet for both mother and daughter begins tomorrow!
· I drink your milshake (dot com)!
· American Psycho gets a cuddly makeover (via BWE).
· Ever find yourself wondering what Paris, Britney and Lindsay would do if they used their powers for good instead of evil? Vh1's exceptional "Celebrity Eye Candy" has the answers. Now if only they had a website!
· Now that it's almost the weekend and you'll finally have some time to kill, take some time to peruse Slate's Movie Club.
· Jessica Alba like WHOA!
· And Maila Nurmi, best known as Vampira, died today at the age of 86. All we know is that Elvira better show her face at her funeral.

The 200-decibel siren atop Cedars Sinai, which alerts all celebrity tabloid editors within a twenty-five mile radius about breaking celebrity-related medical events taken place within its walls, is currently wailing to signal the imminent arrival of Nicole Richie's baby. "She's going to start pushing soon," said the guy from Good Charlotte who impregnated her; stayed tuned for important overheard updates regarding the exact measurements for her current vaginal dilation. [UsMagazine.com]

At long last, Nicole Richie has lifted the media blackout surrounding her pregnancy by Joel Madden—lead singer of seminal, early-Oughts angst-pop outfit Good Charlotte—giving Access Hollywood's celebrity-baby-obsessed Billy Bush carte blanche to ask the not-burning questions we had zero investment in the answers to.

• Though everyone who went to Brown with her would beg to differ, early-00s 'it' girl Leelee Sobieski says she's not a lesbian. [NYO]
  

Were those 82 horrifying minutes of incarceration not punishment enough for expectant mom Nicole Richie? She'll now have to endure 18 months of anti-drunk-driving education, much of which she'll spend sending in the back of the room, rolling her eyes and complaining to a classmate, "Hell-oooo? Don't these idiots know I was on pot and Vicodin when I drove the wrong way on the 134, not booze? Can you wake me up when we get that part?" [People]

• Nicole Richie's baby wasn't at all at risk for birth defects... until she went into a hot tub! [Splash News]
  

· A blogger goes completely nuts in side-by-siding stills of The Simpsons movie parodies with images from films to which they refer. Just scroll around, as there are too many individual posts to link here. [via BoingBoing]
· Can Lindsay Lohan wreck a home even while in rehab?
· Unsurprisingly, the networks don't really give a shit if all that screen clutter annoys you.
· A pregnant Nicole Richie in a bikini: Get excited!