• Little Jayden James and Sean Preston are stuck with their mom, a judge has ruled. Howevs, Britney Spears does have to undergo random drug testing, attend individual therapy and also go to parenting classes avec K Fed, horrors! [NYP]
  

Hoping to further exploit the seemingly inexhaustible demand for stories about the Denali-jacking, coke-panted, briefly-incarcerated-but- frequently-rehabbed starlets whose misadventures move as much tabloid product as the public can choke down, producer Joe Nasser—you may know him as the mastermind responsible for the upcoming Willa Ford vehicle Anna Nicole—today announces his intention to eventually bring Celebutard: The Motion Picture (inferior working title: Hollywood Brats) to the big screen. Reports the Times:

You read Us Weekly for the articles. You can't help but be interested in what Lindsay Lohan snorted, ran her car into or slept with this week. But, you went to college, you read the new Chabons and Lethems as soon as they come out! You're not a vapid person! Good news: Celebrity is not only a major driver of the economy, it's a subject worthy of academic scrutiny. University of Southern California professor Elizabeth Currid, PhD., explains the sociology of fame and pop culture.

If you're anything like us, you slept terribly last night, waking up precisely every 82 minutes in subconscious protest of the bizarrely harsh prison term nonviolent, wrong-way driver Nicole Richie was forced to serve between 3:15 p.m. and 4:17 p.m. early yesterday afternoon. Doing its civic responsibility, the LAT made the Sheriff's Department defend its decision to subject the famous inmate to an intolerable 82 minutes of cruelty, getting a spokesman on the record to claim that anyone in the same circumstance would get similarly brutal treatment:

• Hey, Dina Lohan, your daughter Lindsay's in rehab for the third time and you're being sued right and left and even your ex-con ex-husband is looking like a good parent compared to you. What do you have to say for yourself? ""My children and I are in a wonderful place in our lives, and people just want to make things up and see us fail!" To be fair, though, Cirque Lodge does seem like a pretty wonderful place. [24Sizzler]
  

· Paris Hilton goes to the WOW Report's gym, where her workout is monitored by both bloggers and sneaky paps: "Then, across the way, I notice a guy sitting down on the Pectoralis Major machine dressed in jeans and black shoes. He pretends to pump some iron. This is suspicious as everyone knows the Pectoralis Major machine has been out of commission for the last six months. Suddenly, the dude pulls out a telephoto lens camera from his backpack and starts snapping away at Paris while she's mid bench-press! A couple of gays shriek and point at the photographer, and within a few minutes he is escorted from the gym by a staff member."
· Here's a list of things you can do in the same amount of time Nicole Richie spent in jail.
· Anchorwoman almost definitely would have lasted longer than one episode if Steven Spielberg's name was attached to it.
· It's truly the end of an era: Jenna Jameson undergoes a sure-to-be controversial de-bazooming procedure.

Eight months after she was arrested for a painkiller-and-reefer-fueled westbound joyride on the 134 East, mom-to-be Nicole Richie quietly did what needed to be done, and checked herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood at 3:15 p.m. today.

• Jack Nicholson has to continually drink water in order to swallow anything, because his salivary glands have stopped working. [Page Six]
  

From the mailbag: "Saw a glimpse of Nicole Richie at the French pastry shop on Spring Street by Lafayette, next to Gatsby's — continuing her eating in public campaign. Couldn't see the outfit or who she was with because the front of the shop was mobbed by about 100 onlookers. Why is she famous?" Yeah, we can't remember???

From the mailbag: "Nicole Richie at patisserie on Spring Street in SoHo. Mass chaos is ensuing. It appears that now she is actually eating." (We're assuming location is either Balthazar or Ceci-Cela.)

The premise of porn studio Venom Digital Media's Paris & Nicole Go To Jail probably needs no further explanation, but on the off chance you're having a hard time fully grasping the ripped-from-the-celebrity-incarceration-headlines concept, here's the logline provided by the director: "[Paris & Nicole] find that life is different on the inside, and at first have trouble adapting, but soon learn how to get things in prison by becoming friendly with the warden, the guards, the inmates, things of that nature." What's more, Venom claims to have gone the extra mile by actually scripting the movie, which should allow for some priceless, timely dialogue; when "Nicole" tells "Paris" that she's "going to drive the wrong way on her pleasure freeway," fans of the real-life twosome's recent misadventures will know the filmmakers are making every effort to fully exploit their rich source material.

Now that Diane Sawyer's comforting bosom has lured all kinds of pregnancy details out of Nicole Richie, we can get right down to what actually matters: Putting our hard-earned blogging cash — all $20 of it — on the 11-1 odds Bodog.com is giving that she will name her kid "Britney."

Nicole Richie's interview with Diane Sawyer, aired on "GMA", is the gift that keeps on taking—taking all these irretrievable little cells of our brain. In this clip, she explains that her dramatic weight loss had to do with stress and anxiety and "maybe" drugs.

As it turns out, the punishing questions of Good Morning America celebrity interrogator Diane Sawyer that led an overmatched, psychologically vulnerable Nicole Richie to admit that the baffling urban planning of Glendale induced her to drive the wrong way on the freeway were only intended to soften up the subject for the kill.

After Paris's lesson that "pokey" refers to more than just something you do with a Greek dude after the clubs close became a complete media clusterfuck, it was probably inevitable that Nicole Richie's legal drama would feel like sloppy seconds. Sure, her crime was more interesting — doping up her cramps like they were Corey Haim, and then getting duped by Glendale's otherworldly freeways — and there's that pregnancy wrinkle, yet her sentencing still had a been-there, done-that feel. And now comes news that she could even end up enslaved to the same burly, unwaxed inmate:

This morning, Nicole Richie turned up on Good Morning America to chat with celebrity confessor Diane Sawyer about the new life growing in her womb and the old chemicals circulating in her bloodstream on the night of her DUI arrest, an obvious attempt to salvage her chances at landing future sidekick gigs alongside recently reformed, God-fearing pal Paris Hilton.

In her interview with Diane Sawyer that aired this morning on GMA, Nicole Richie ponders the truths of life. Glendale is confusing. Taking Vicodin and smoking pot before driving is a bad choice. But oh my God, she looks like a million bucks. Someone has finally hired a great crisis manager and a great crisis stylist!

Apparently, the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair will feature a piece on that increasingly vital subset of the celebutard population, Guys Who Have Married, Impregnated, Or Serially Copulated With Women Who Possess More Wealth And/Or Fame Than They Do, an exposé on the hanger-on lifestyle (one which, in the words of writer Nancy Jo Sales, seems to have no downside) that will feature Kevin Federline, the guy from The Good Charlottes who knocked up Nicole Richie, and Cisco Adler, among others.

A little earlier, upon hearing the news that Nicole Richie had been sentenced to four days in prison for her DUI arrest, we remarked that we felt nothing, so spent are we by our deep investment in the spectacular fuck-ups of her more glamorous peers.

This press release is currently making the rounds: