• Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavalleri continues to justify her relevance through the strategic use of her vagina, which has been programmed to hone in on any male remotely connected to any female celebrity. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton may be in some trouble for her drunk driving arrest, but it's nothing her mafioso relatives can't take care of. [R&M]
• Speaking of the DUI Club, Mel Gibson emerges from hiding, unhappy to be faced with Jew paparazzi. [TMZ]
• Just now on The View, Babs admitted to having Botox — which is about the worst endorsement the treatment could have.
• Lionel Richie asks a doctor if his emaciated daughter Nicole is anorexic. Seriously? You had to ask a professional to get the answer? [Scoop]
• Warren Buffet disavows his granddaughter after she publicly admitted to being super fucking rich. [Page Six]
• Tom Brokaw joins Team Couric, albeit briefly. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Marcia Cross is pregnant, and nobody cares. Poor fetus. [IMDb]

• Lance Armstrong hanging out with Paris Hilton? Apparently, no one told him it only takes one ball to get the clap. [Page Six]
• Whitney Houston may have kicked Bobby Brown out, may have simply misplaced him under giant pile of crack vials. [R&M]
• Candy Spelling sells mansion for $130 million. Tori Spelling can count to 130. Okay, 100. [TMZ]
• Nicole Richie dating Brody Jenner. Brody Jennner excited to see Brody Jennner's name in print one more time. Brody Jennner. [People]
• Bam Margera offers Jessica Simpson apology for whole adultery rumors thing. Slaps himself and throws drink in own face. [US Weekly]
• Celebrities continue to get free shit because fuck you. [Lowdown]

A Defamer operative managed to get his hands on the audio from that infamous night at the Viper Room, when Nicole Richie, looking for a low-key evening of rock n' roll, instead found herself the victim of a handpuppet humiliation. The audio evidence, which we've uploaded for your inspection, reveals that the incident involved not one but two Triumph-style puppets who tag-team taunted poor Richie with jokes on the price of food and boasts about the size of their felt manhood. What we don't hear is any laughter, from the stage, audience, or otherwise, which could be why the artist in question has since been informed that his insult-puppet services were "too controversial" and would no longer be needed, essentially clearing his schedule for any birthdays, bar mitzvahs, or "Paris" CD signings which may come his way in the weeks to come.

Nicole Richie has become so undernourished lately that round food items such as donuts, hardboiled eggs and apples can often be found rolling off nearby counters and towards the calorie-vacuum that is her body, which she must irritably swat away lest the unwanted sustenance affix itself to her legs. It's become so noticeable lately that people have taken to callously calling her out on her gaunt appearance, such as in this item from British e-newsletter Popbitch:

Fox 411's Roger Friedman must have been too engrossed by shadowing Lindsay Lohan and waiting for her to pick up the bottle of water he needed to complete his anecdote about the actress's reformed, post-dehydration ways at Hyde on Monday night, or was otherwise too mesmerized by the scent of freshly baked cookies to notice the antics of Nicole Richie, who according to the NY Observer's Daily Transom blog, was putting on quite the Young Hollywood triple-threat performance of table dancing, genital-to-genital grinding, and public regurgitation in the very same, tiny celebrity clubhouse:

It's always exciting when a hammered Steve-O starts to run off at the mouth in the vicinity of a recording device, such as the time he announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live that he provided Paris Hilton with balloons full of nitrous oxide moments before she crashed her Bentley. The celebrity stunt-retard has cleaned up his act somewhat, however, as he recently told DailyCeleb.com (audio available here) that the only thing he's been putting up his nose lately is the barrel of a pneumatic nail gun. And who does he have to thank for helping him break free of cocaine's powdery siren song? None other than Nicole Richie—or to be more specific, Nicole Richie's celebrity:

At the very real risk that you've seen this before, we are happy to pass along the Fucking Short Version of perhaps our favorite movie of all time. [via Screenhead/Waxy]
The glossies really can't win. Call Reese Witherspoon fat enough to be pregnant, get sued. Call Kate Hudson skinny enough to scare her mom, get sued.
· But at least Kate Hudson never got skinny enough to faint dead away in Kitson.

• Britney's ratty brown wig is not a wig. Smart move: split ends are harder to see when you hair's dark. [Us Weekly]
• Remember the Meow Mix House? Every single cat from the "reality show" has since been adopted, except for one: Bambi, who hisses and scratches. Best Post sentence ever: "Some say the cat-dorable cat-estant has yet to be cat-dopted simply be-claws the 7-year-old puss is sporting a little Man-cat-tan meow-titude." [NYP]
• Oh, look — it's Amy Sedaris' apartment. Again. [NYT]
• We are a pain in Steve Cuozzo's ass. Finally, we can rest now. [Belle in the Big Apple]
• Snoop shills for Orbit gum. So sad — remember when there was so much drama in the LBC? Those were the days. [Adfreak]
• An open letter to Nicole Richie, so that she may raise Lupus awareness. [Cobain in a Coma]
• Because your Shake Shack obsession MUST be coddled, do enjoy the Shack Cam dashboard widget. [Works Perfectly]

DJ AM and Nicole Richie's last publicized break-up occurred in December, amid rumors AM may have left the Simple Life star for a grilled cheese sandwich. AM overcame his hunger pangs, however, and the couple were soon spotted together again in public, a reconciliation Richie confirmed in Vanity Fair. Sadly, however, the flickering status light of their endlessly rejuvenating relationship has gone dark again;

• Too weak to even walk through a grocery store, Nicole Richie must ride in a shopping cart pushed by assisted living specialist Mischa Barton. [TMZ]
• If youth is wasted on the young, then it's the same with karaoke. In Flushing, however, Grandma can get her groove on. [NYM]
• SpotBit is an electronic archive of several current magazines — all of which you can download for free, in full. We'd encourage you to go and stick it to the man, but this shit likely won't make much of a difference. [via Big and Sharp]
• Axl Rose and Sebastian Bach hit 6's and 8's, party like it's 1984. [Animal]
• In order to tame and defeat Eurotrash, you must first learn to understand the bare-chested breed. [Save Manny]
• It's hard to care about celebrity lookalikes. But it helps if the doppelgangers are making porn. [Fleshbot]

• Seventeen EIC Atoosa Rubenstein continues to drop verbal gems wherever she goes. At Gotham Hall last night, she let it be known that in high school, no one wanted to have sex with her because of her hairy "werewolf legs." Well, now we know. But we wish we didn't. [Muckracked]
• We can't help it, but we're still kind of loving the cracktarded TMZ. Their paparazzi video clips are priceless — watch Nicole Richie walk out of a doctor's office and feel the magic for yourselves! [TMZ]
• And in other emaciated starlet news, Lindsay Lohan is seen kissing Kate Moss's latest boy, 21-year-old bartender Jaime Burke. Could he be the K-Fed of the coke crowd? [People]
• The Times blog development team has some major security issues to deal with. [Daily Gotham]
• Amazingly enough, the New Yorker manages to take all the joy out of Astoria's Bohemian Hall Beer Garden with one simple review. [NYer]
• Tom Cruise can conquer the world — but a car door, not so much. [Got Detroit]
• Bloomberg visits the set of the Nanny Diaries. He just adored the book, y'know? [Newsday]
• Thankfully, we can always turn to Williamsboard to remind us that hipsters have no reservations about being just as stereotypical as ever. [Williamsboard]
• Bad news: After spending a week submerged in a tank full of bombast, David Blaine's hands and feet seem to be returning back to normal. [ABC]

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw a prison-hardened Michelle Rodriguez begin her reassimilation into society by inadvertently mooning LAX.

Recent cover stories on Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have helped establish Vanity Fair as the go-to publication for reading 8,000-word pieces on celebrities whose publicists can only squeeze out 500 or so words at a time from the weeklies. Fully committed to the responsibilites of this hard-won, exalted position, VF's website is already touting the next installment of their "Let Me Explain Why I Am So Distressingly Skinny" series, in which Nicole Richie holds forth on the mystery of her extravagant boniness. The release even quotes her therapist, who furrows a brow as he offers his thoughts on the measures they're taking to correct the problem:

• How can you not love Nicole Richie? The saintly thing can't help but share every last sprinkle of blow she's got. [Defamer]
• The reservation line for Mr. Chow's Tribeca outpost is up and running; even if you're nobody, you can snag a table for Saturday's opening. [Eater]
• After reading an interview in which Barbara Corcoran talks about overcoming dyslexia to become the wicked queen of the housing bubble, we have to wonder: Is the Corcobeast the Tom Cruise of real estate? [Bankrate]
• At this point, what hasn't Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized? [Crimson]
• Providence, R.I., actually manages to outdo Williamsburg in the retarded irony department. [You Tube]
• Scientology digs its claws into Janeane Garofolo. Is no one safe? [Scoop]
• Memoirist Augusten Burroughs likens the James Frey boondoggle to Milli Vanilli. Wrong! Milli Vanilli is far superior, simply by virtue of their hair. [Book Standard]
• The Smoking Gun pulls through with documents from Sopranos actor John Ventimiglia's arrest, complete with an impressive six counts of being totally fucked up. [TSG]

The Trixie blog snapped picture of unidentified white, powdery residue discovered after using an unspecified Hollywood club's bathroom after Nicole Richie. (We did the photo enhancement just for fun.) While Trixie carps that the "bitch could've shared," we find the leftovers to be an act of unexpected charity in the stingy stall scene; Richie's intentions to spread the wealth couldn't have been clearer if she'd left a rolled-up hundred dollar bill on the countertop and scrawled "Enjoy!" on the mirror in lipstick.

• Lindsay Lohan may have cried wolf about being misquoted in Vanity Fair, but she's been legitimately misquoted in W about acknowledging that her mother and siblings visit their father in jail. There are no such visits and W will be issuing a correction. No correction in VF however — the girl said she puked, and the tape recorder doesn't lie. [Page Six]
• If Alec Baldwin were forced to sleep with right-wing harridan Ann Coulter, he'd "jump out the window" — and then the Republicans would win again. [Lowdown]
• Katie Holmes is so dedicated to smiling her way through this nightmare, she'll blankly grin even while Tom Cruise talks about being abused as a child. Or maybe she's just genuinely happy to hear about that kind of thing. [Page Six]
• After a whopping 82 days of their second try at marriage, Eminem has filed for divorce from Kim. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton says former BFF Nicole Richie is "jealous" and "pathetic." Atta girl, Paris — keep this bitch fight going! Simple Life 15 premieres soon! [Scoop]

E!'s new take on their recently inherited and slightly stale "spoiled, hateful fish-out-of-water" franchise The Simple Life places stars/mortal enemies Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton in Wife Swap-type domestic situations, on the assumption that hilarity will ensue from the inevitable baby-dropping to follow. The new format has already made some headlines thanks to an exchange between a stroller-pushing Richie and an 11-year-old boy playing basketball in his driveway:

Additionally, listen to the reporters howl for her love here.

The closest Nicole Richie will ever come to a feeding frenzy.
A reader writes:

It's Valentine's Day, which means Nicole Richie is finally bringing her inexplicably tacky Dr. Pepper promowhore tour to our fair city. Go get a sample of the calories that she dare not touch: