"Stars of The Simple Life Whore Themselves Out For Trademarked Fluids Day" continues here at Defamer with the exciting press release announcement that "Hollywood Sweetheart" Nicole Richie will be working through her DJ AM issues on Valentine's Day by making herself available to any New York pedestrians interested in a free sample:
• As if Valentine's Day weren't depressing enough, Nicole Richie will drag her lifeless limbs all over New York, distributing free samples of Dr. Pepper. Apparently, she's "fallen in love with the taste," but we're doubting she's actually tasted anything with caloric content since, say, last July. [AdFreak]
• Barbie gets back together with Ken. How'd he win her over? By donning a leather jacket, styling his hair like Orlando Bloom, and learning about Buddhism. Yes, we're still talking about the freaking dolls. [NYT]
• Seeing this picture confirms that we're about 2 days away from Tom Ford backlash. How about you? [Towleroad]
• The blogosphere continues to gobble up everything in its path, including the New York Times. Or so says Google. [Kottke]
• Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Adams. First vomit, then discuss. [IMDb]
• The reports from New Year's in Miami are predictable: Lohan hospitalized, Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler fight over Mr. Bongjangles, Vin Diesel acts hetero, and Nicole Richie awkwardly poses for "promotional purposes" with ex-fiancé DJ AM. What, exactly, were they promoting? The dangers of celebrity engagements? [Page Six]
• Enrique Iglesias spent New Year's entertaining the sons of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafy, but the feds were too busy tapping your phone line to notice. [R&M]
• Cutbacks at the Times leads to the close of the nurse's office. Alas, no more Snoopy band-aids for Punch. [Page Six]
• After calling in Kabbalah ghostbusters to cleanse her "haunted" London home, Gwyneth Paltrow is diagnosed as officially retarded. [Scoop]
• Amanda Peet flips off a smiley fan in the East Village. Just like any native New Yorker would, really. [Lowdown]
A very important update in the whodunit analysis of why DJ AM broke off his engagement to Nicole Richie:
From the wilds of New Jersey, Life & Style bravely steps forward to continue reporting on the broken engagement of Nicole Richie and DJ AM. When it comes to revealing who dumped whom, real journalists work through the tears:
No sooner had we recovered from the collective blow to the stomach that was the annulment of Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero's ten day fake engagement, Bringer of Celebrity Couple Bad News Weekly, aka US magazine, deals yet another super-duper exclusive-fantastic crushing suckerpunch to believers in true attention-whore love everywhere:
Us Weekly — which lately has been on a scoopy roll when it comes faltering celebrity love — breaks some truly sad news this afternoon: Nicole Richie has broken up with her fianc , Adam "D.J. AM" Goldstein.
Hundreds of literature-loving Memphis hearts were broken yesterday when the well-publicized Truth About Diamonds book signing by author and talent-haver Nicole Richie (sans ghostwriter) was abruptly cancelled, "Due to Illness." Blagg Blogg took the news particularly hard, and snapped the sad picture above left. Of course, we were all deeply concerned for Ms. Richie's well being, and had begun to wonder if father Lionel was perhaps not quite as "on the case" as he had promised to be.
· As previously discussed, now that American Idol is definitely staying on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, the other networks scrub clean their soiled underthings and scramble to rearrange their schedules. [Variety]
· Amy Brenneman will join Al Pacino in the thriller 88 Minutes, in which Pacino learns that he's got only 88 minutes to sleepwalk through another performance before his character is killed. [THR]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Nicole Richie to a talent holding deal, with the studio holding onto Richie until they can identify a talent that doesn't involve distressing weight-loss or hating Paris Hilton, then jam her into an appropriate, ill-fated project. [Variety]
· CBS rides Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to a Wednesday night win in total viewers, but ABC ekes out a 18-49 demo victory thanks to Lost. [THR]
· Senators Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman turn their political attention to the very serious problem of 15 year-olds being able to buy violent videogames without an annoyed parent present. [Variety]
We have some miraculous news for those of you who took the cancellation of The Simple Life particularly hard: you can put down your self-mutilation implements and rejoice! E! has answered your prayers, ordering ten episodes of the series and divising a plot hook that finds a way to use both of the series' now-feuding stars, without having Paris or Nicole ever set foot in the same room!
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline come to New York, where they take in a show, binge drink, and enjoy the city's world-renowned acrylic nail applications. [Page Six]
• At the rehearsal dinner for his wedding to Christina Aguilera, Jordan Bratman thanked his parents for his "good looks and large [cock]," as well as for raising him to be a total retard. [R&M]
• When she's not bouncing around, baring her mosquito bites, Kate Moss hits Barcelona and St. Barths. Yeah, that whole cocaine thing really destroyed her life. [Page Six]
• When asked whether she thought Nicole Richie had gotten too thin, Joan Rivers responded, "I truly don t watch any of that group of girls. I find that whole group to be such low-rent, it really doesn t interest me at all. What have they done?" [Scoop]
• We know it's a holiday week, and our brains, too, are already on mental vacation — but why is Lowdown writing about Bratz dolls? Did Brangelina buy one or something? Why is this gossip? [Lowdown]
After reading and re-reading reality television star Nicole Richie's debut novel The Truth About Diamonds five or six times (yes, it's THAT fanfuckingtastic, and the National Book Award Foundation totally blew it this year), we're increasingly convinced that there was no way on earth Richie herself wrote the book. Not only do we suspect she lacks the necessary writing skill, but everyone knows hungry people can't think straight enough to focus on large projects.
We understand that Nicole Richie is very pretty and well-spoken and stick-thin, but we just don't buy that she penned her first novel, The Truth About Diamonds, all by her lonesome. Phrases such as "clandestine rendezvous" are, simply, not in Richie's vocabulary. We have our suspicions as to the identity of her secret ghostwriter, but we also wear tinfoil hats and smoke oregano out of a corncob pipe. As such, we turn to the wisdom of the masses:
Poor Lola Oguinnake. Not two weeks ago, the mean editors at the Times made her report an entire story on Chelsea hell-den Marquee; now they've gone and forced her to exert her talent on the subject of Nicole Richie and her new book, The Truth About Diamonds. (Disclaimer: We read the tome in a single sitting. It's that bad/good.) Richie insists that she's authored Diamonds all by her lonesome, but we're not so sure we buy it. Case in point, from page 22:
Oh, happy day! The UPS stud just came by HQ with the most fantastic package from HarperCollins: Not one, but two copies of Nicole Richie's new novel, The Truth About Diamonds (one with the "good Nicole" cover photo, one with the "bad Nicole" cover photo)! We've hardly put it down all day; our favorite part is the middle, where there's sixteen pages of Nicole Richie glamour shots that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. It's so awesome. For your reading pleasure, an excerpt from Chapter 10 ("Build Them Up"):
• Paris Hilton finally has a bad week: Boyfriend Starvos Niarchos plows her Bentley into a truck, prompting the LAPD to acknowledge the fact that everyone drives drunk out there; she's been subpoenaed as a witness in the criminal case against Girls Gone Wild guru Joe Francis's kidnapper; and she's being clearly eviscerated in former BFF Nicole Richie's new novel (more on that comedy later). But don't feel sorry for Paris — we're certain she'll find a way to turn a profit off of all the mess. [R&M]
• And while she suffers, Paris copes by prank-calling Nicole Richie every night. [Scoop]
• Actor Heath Ledger reportedly forked over $3.5 million for the Boerum Hill brownstone he shares with his fiancée Michelle Williams and their newborn baby Matilda. Neighbors claim the couple has been "rude" and don't acknowledge anyone, but did those neighbors ever think to bring Heath and Michelle some Welcome Casserole? [Page Six]
• Lawyers for His Absurdness Donald Trump have demanded a full recall of Timothy O'Brien's expos TrumpNation, as well as a public correction and apology. Demands are precious, but ineffective. Let's see some blood, instead. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Maureen Dowd hasn't had Botox; she just stays wrinkle-free by refusing to allow facial movements. [Page Six]
From the Every Time Paris Hilton Farts, A Thousand Gossip Item Angels Get Their Wings Dept: Nicole Richie is all OMG! That whore Paris is like, totally calling me in the middle of the night and flushing the toilet! Ewwww! What a bitch:
· We don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about the age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He's older than her tits, and that should be good enough for everyone. And if you were too impatient to wait until you finished this item to follow that link, you probably don't know that the photo is fake.
· We really hope that the ghostwriter who produced Nicole Richie's novel was well compensated for his or her time. It should make the eternal bath in hellflame a little easier to bear.
· When the forced internment in your church's Redemption Camp isn't quite enough, there's Hetracil.
· Coming soon to a Jay Leno punchline near you: Billy Joel returning to the road in January.
· If you somehow missed the incredible story of those lesbian cheerleaders, Deadspin's got you covered.
