You've read the booking sheet with its shocking, self-reported (and probably exaggerated by 10 percent) 85 lbs of body mass and listened to the chilling 911 calls, but now, thanks to local ABC affiliate KABC 7's exclusive RichieTracker7000™ technology, you can experience what it would have been like to view the wild, Vicodin-and-marijuana impaired ride that resulted in Nicole Richie's DUI arrest from a seat in their VirtualNewsChopper7 hovering over a crudely animated 134 Freeway. We warn you in advance: So immersive is the simulation that you may find yourself short of breath (or, God forbid, loose of bowel—take the appropriate precautions) when the overscaled, lane-clogging rectangle representing Richie's SUV enters the freeway on an exit ramp, then quickly executes an incredibly dangerous U-turn in the middle of the roadway, threatening to wipe out every unseen vehicle you can imagine driving in the proper direction. Enter the RichieTracker7000™ here via the video widow, if you dare. You'll never get behind the wheel after hitting the bong and popping a downer again.

As Nicole Richie (mugshot pictured, though far too flattering to warrant anything more than a thumbnail) embarked upon her wrong way joyride up the exit ramp of the 134, wondering in her narcotic-induced stupor why all the brake lights of the cars up ahead had turned white and were quickly increasing in size, two passing motorists had enough wits about them to dial 911 and describe the dangerous, bizarre circumstances to an operator. Celebutard scandal completionists TMZ have obtained the calls made by the baffled and deeply concerned citizens, who surely never imagined that their good deed would ultimately net the authorities 85 drug-addled pounds of troubled reality TV sidekick.

We enjoy little more than the hilarious mismatch of news headline and illustrating photo, especially one that misidentifies, however briefly, an eighty-five-pound reality TV star as a rippling-torsoed Mayan high priest. The LAT quickly fixed the error (screen-captured above by an alert reader), by replacing it with Nicole Richie's actual, far inferior mugshot, but not before we imagined the notoriously frail star, still in the throes of a Vicodin-and-THC-induced high, threatening to cut out her booking officer's heart and show the still-beating organ to the entire Glendale Police Department, promising that the affront of a DUI arrest would spell their doom at the hands of Kinich Ahau, the Sun God.

While lesser celebutards rack up utterly mundane DUIs by swerving away from the Hyde valet stand after a long night of washing down plates of delicious chocolate chip cookies with entire bottles of Grey Goose, skeletal, discarded Hilton sidekick Nicole Richie shows the amateurs how a substance-abusing pro earns a traffic stop: according to TMZ, Richie was popped very early this morning for driving the wrong way on the 134 in Burbank after two motorists, understandably alarmed by the sight of an SUV piloted by what seemed to be an eleven-year-old girl traveling against the flow of traffic, called 911. Richie further distinguished herself from the Single Margarita crowd by passing a Breathalyzer but telling cops that she'd taken Vicodin and pot, a chemical cocktail not known for enhancing one's ability to read the signs that would direct them into freeway lanes less likely to result in head-on collisions. With a listed weight of just 85 lbs, Richie's attorneys can probably claim that her client didn't willingly ingest the illicit substances, as her innocent handling of a prescription pain medication bottle was enough to impart the pills' mind-altering effects to an individual with such a dangerously low body mass; failing that, they can adopt the preliminary, vehicular-malfunction-based defense tactics seen in the Lane Garrison case, blaming her directional misadventures on a renegade GPS system that seized control of her car and steered it into oncoming traffic.

• Nicole Richie was going the wrong way on the 134 freeway when she was arrested this morning. Police reports indicate that she was high on Vicodin and pot, but hadn't been drinking, and the booking sheet has her at 5'1''/85 lbs. Okay, okay, we're taking our death pool money off Lohan! [TMZ]
  

Nicole Richie has yet to really settle on what her predominating talent actually is, having already achieved limited success as Paris Hilton's slightly less blank-brained reality show foil, and as a pop singer bemoaning the weed-like qualities of a two-timing ex-lover. But it's her facility with the written word, both as the gifted mind behind the genre-defining skank lit classic The Truth About Diamonds, and as the opinionated voice of her own MySpace blog, where she shines the most. Take, for example, her recent riff on the popular "blind item" format frequently employed by the very gossip columns in which her name regularly appears, wherein Richie expertly teases the reader with details which can only be referring to her recent acrimonious split from professional celebrity clothing-chooser, Rachel Zoe:

TMZ's assiduous monitoring of the egresses of Hollywood's hottest, most celebrity-clotted nightclubs has once again paid off, as their sidewalk videographers were on the scene to capture the aftermath of a face-bloodying attack on self-labeled paparazzi king E.L. Woody by a man inexplicably upset about photographers invading the privacy of Brody Jenner. While the report seems to indicate that the "random clubgoer" was trying to defend the local personality from the marauding photographers, his actions demonstrate an egregious overestimation of Jenner's fame level, as someone who's best known for having briefly enjoyed sexual relations with Nicole Richie (and by "enjoyed," we of course mean "traded for the opportunity to appear in a couple of blurbs in Life & Style and InTouch") doesn't want the three people interested in taking his picture scared off by the threat of physical violence.

· In addition to the constant stream of lawsuits from co-stars unhappy with their profit participation, Borat's Sacha Baron Cohen is learning other lessons about the dark side of runaway success, like pasty-thighed fans who think it's OK to show up to movie premieres in their own neon nutslings.
· Have you heard? Our boss is blogging over at Valleywag, and while we have no idea if he's subjecting himself to the cruel lashings he distributes to his other minions when their posting pace drops, it looks like he's already figured out the value of a cheap "Separated at Birth" item.
· Losanjealous' Bill DeMarco is rating the top 50 Starbucks in LA. These are his stories.
· We made the call, and it's the Walken's sister one.
· You know what we haven't done in a while? Hey, unicorns!
· LA.com supplies a handy guide to stalking Nicole Richie. Weirdly, there are places where food is served on their list.

• Marcia Cross doesn't want you to see her firecrotch. [R&M]
  

· We're not sure what possessed Gawker's video-editing guru to throw together a clip of Conan O'Brien dancing and set it to "Monster Mash," but it's easily more frightening than anything you're going to see on their upcoming Skelevision episode—even Larry King accurately represented as nothing but suspenders and exposed bones.
Namibia: Now not only celebrity-childbirth friendly, but celebrity-fugitive friendly.
· We tend to ignore California politics, mostly because we fear that this attack ad is less insane than what Schwarzenegger's people will come up with in the nex two weeks.
· TVGasm has obtained exclusive footage of Isaiah "Dr. McChokey" Washington's recent Grey's Anatomy blow-up, which we previously did not realize included the use of automatic weapons.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie's recent reconciliation seems to have involved the transfer of Hilton's mystery assflap to her skeletal pal.

A surfeit of leisure time can lead to all sorts of self- and outwardly-destructive behavior, as best evidenced by the Drunken Stepfather blog's recent social experiment in which he sent foulmouthed text messages to the suspiciously acquired numbers of some blue chip celebutards, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicole Richie among them. When his initial dispatches, addressed to a fictional (we hope) love interest named Brenda, received nary a response, Drunken knew he had to up his game. (Translation: Alert them to the "12 warts bundled together" on his penis). And while even that continued to be ignored by the likes of Hilton and Lohan—after all, they receive dozens of those types of revelations from their gentlemen callers per week—Richie eventually thumb-typed out a furious response. From their exchange:

• This may be hard for some of you to believe, but the reunion of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie may be less about friendship and more about haggling with Simple Life producer Jon Murray. Don't look for BFF necklaces anytime soon. [AP]
• Meanwhile, the Hilton sisters get drunk and sing in Vegas. Just another day ending in "y". [TMZ]
• Diane Sawyer skips a Good Morning America party, signaling to staff that she's so over that shit. [R&M]
• Janet Jackson is apartment hunting, eyeballing a $30 million residence in a Columbus Circle tower. It's a small price to pay for the proximity to Whole Foods. [Scoop]
• Ellen Barkin stands to make about $15 million selling off the jewelry given to her by ex-husband Ron Perelman. And she's not selling because she wants to move on or anything — she just wants to make some cash without actually having to work again. Don't we all? [Page Six]
• Jimmy Buffett takes to his blog to explain the his "ecstasy bust" at French customs: he was just hauling vitamins. Happy, loving, glowing vitamins. [Page Six]

• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie just might have called a truce, as the two dined together at a steakhouse last night. Figures Paris would take Nicole to someplace with food, where Paris could back her into a corner with all sorts of caloric manipulation and threats. It's like having a sitdown with Superman in a room full of kryptonite. [TMZ]
• Okay, so maybe Madonna did adopt a Malawian boy, despite her publicist's denials. UK rag The People says that if the boy exists, his name his Luca. And he lives on the seventh floor. [Page Six]
• Is Penelope Cruz a lesbian? If so, it might explain her willingness to work as Hollywood's most popular beard. [R&M]
• Four months after the fact, Page Six learns of Keith Olbermann's ex-lover's blog. [Page Six]
• It doesn't matter how much you pay Lindsay Lohan — if she's hungover, she's not going to show at your event. [SMH]
• For his final column, Lloyd Grove goes out with a bang: Horace Mann students use their Facebook profiles to write mean things about their teachers. Sigh. We're gonna miss you, buddy. [Lowdown]

This truly is a brave new world we're living in, where technological breakthroughs like MySpace allow celebrities to communicate directly with the unwashed masses to address any rumors about the genital-genital contact they may or may not be having with other members of their C-list caste, without the messy, and often cost-prohibitive, involvement of fancy publicists. Late last night, dust-broom doppleganger Nicole Richie offered this clarification about yesterday's "break-up" with semi-recognizable publicity partner Brody Jenner, who was transparently trying to climb her exposed ribcage like a ladder to a slightly higher level of tabloid fame. Clarifies Richie:

• To reiterate, Madonna did not adopt a boy during her visit to Malawi to help AIDS orphans. But since the Malawian keeps telling everyone that she did, you can bet she won't be back anytime soon. [Page Six]
• After putting Neosporin on her ego, former NBC News Anchor Mary Alice Williams heads to CBS to be Katie Couric's writer. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Richie breaks up with Brody Jenner after he offers her a potato chip. [Us Weekly]
• Tara Reid reportedly has her breast implants removed and liposuction scars touched up. So the next time she gets bombed and falls out of her dress, the image of her tits won't make you cry. Or not as hard, anyhow. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria ditches Tony Parker for the loving embrace of AC Slater. [Scoop]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal finally spits out Peter Sarsgaard's child, a baby girl named Ramona. [R&M (bottom)]
• Kim Basinger is arraigned on charges of contempt after ex-husband Alec Baldwin sells her out with a list of custody violations. Honestly, we look forward to the day their daughter is old enough to buy a gun and shut her parents up once and for all. [TMZ]

• Behold the glory of over 1.5 pounds of marijuana and 3+ ounces of shrooms, courtesy of Willie Nelson, America's beloved, fucked-up grandpa. [Blooming Ideas]
• Desperate Housewives creator puts a ban on cast pregnancies, threatening mandatory hysterectomies for anyone suspected of procreating. [Us Weekly]
• Lloyd Grove thinks Cindy Crawford's five-year-old daughter is smoking. [Lowdown]
• Remarkably, Nicole Richie lives to see the age of 25. [TMZ]
• Leonardo DiCaprio's looking to buy his brmother a condo larger than 1,400-square feet. Growing up in someone's shadow has its perks. [Page Six]
• Spencer Tracy and Katherin Hepburn swung both ways, and this concludes your 1943 gossip roundup. [R&M]

Long feverishly dedicated to the wholesale destruction of Christian values through the broadcast of such apocalypse-inviting programming like Temptation Island, Trading Spouses, and the short-lived, but surpassingly influential, Who Wants To Fellate the Thorny, Infernal Member of Beezlebub For A Crisp Five Dollar Bill?, Fox has now decided that Christians' money is just as green as that of Hollywood-worshipping heathens. The LAT reports that the company will today reveal its plans to exploit The Passion of the Christ's staggering success by producing up to 12 Jesus-flavored films a year, at least 6 of which will actually make their way into multiplexes through its new FoxFaith label. But before they could get the God Squad on board with their attempts to raid the collection plate, the FoxFaithful had to first acknowledge the sins of their corporate family:

At a publicist-orchestrated photo shoot in Malibu on Saturday devised to dispel persistent rumors that her skeletal figure is due to her unwillingness to consume solid food, a hired cameraman captures Nicole Richie taking a greedy bite of a huge hamburger. Just in case this photographic evidence of a healthy appetite proves insufficient in quashing nasty gossip about an eating disorder, Richie was also posed gnawing on the neck of still-living, fattened cow, a scene meant to demonstrate in more dramatic fashion her uncontrollable lust for red meat.

• Kevin Federline on his new baby boy: "Man, I'm a father again!" Our thoughts exactly, dude. Time to double-bag that shit. [Page Six]
• Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter is back to smoking. Welcome home, punkin. [Radar]
• When you talk about Nicole Richie's anorexia it, like, stresses her out, and she loses her appetite. So this is all your fault. [IMDb]
• Paris Hilton and Travis Barker suck face. The stars are indeed blind, and falling fast. [TMZ]
• Simon Cowell forgets to pay his AmEx Black card bill. [Page Six]
• We'd no idea a millionaire no-talent pop star could even be in crisis, but apparently Jessica Simpson is rising from the ashes. Relatively speaking, of course. [Us Weekly]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are now posted several times a week—so start sending them in more often! Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you spotted Jessica Simpson swooping back into town after a reinvigorating bass-fishing expedition.