Within hours of confirmation of their relationships, the seeds of discontent were sown—or fertilized, in Kristen's womb. Sean Penn gets probation. Kendra sex tape screenshots. Heidi Montag held captive in her own home. Here's your Thursday gossip.

  • Now that Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are definitely dating, we can start the Ring Cycle of celebrity couple rumors: Marrying, Cheating, Pregnant, Breaking Up. Today, we've got the latter three: They fought on the Twilight set (break up!) because "She accused him of taking a later flight from London because he had been hanging out too late at a burlesque bar," (cheating!) an accusation so specific it must be true. Meanwhile, a wisecrack Rob made about Kristen being pregnant landed OK magazine's cover. You know it's not true because there were no teen female riots. Wisdom of crowds. [P6, OK, GossipCop, pic: Getty]
  • Lindsay Lohan wanted to go to Cannes, but nobody would pay for it. Rock bottom approaches. [P6]
  • The first grainy screenshots from Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape are out. With cheap hair extensions dangling down to her butt, Mrs. Hank Baskett squats naked in knee-high boots in a cluttered apartment, and lounges on a La-Z-Boy licking her teeth. [TMZ]
  • Heidi Montag: Trapped in her own home, living in squalor! Spencer has an ex-marine guard living with them, rendering Heidi "virtually held hostage." She is only allowed to leave three times a month, and spends her days picking up their four non-housebroken dogs' poop. Life&Style]
  • Asked about Demi Moore's biological clock, Ashton Kutcher said, "I think my wife is a genetic freak." Us too. [Star]
  • Britney Spears and boyfriend Jason Trawick "have decided to end their professional relationship and focus on their personal relationship." Does that mean he isn't just using her? Or that he's angling for the kind of payday that comes with marriage? [P6]
  • Sean Penn got probation for the time he kicked a paparazzo. He has to do 36 hours of anger management training and must stay 100 yards away from his victim, which is actually more detrimental to the paparazzo than it is to Penn. [Popeater]
  • Who sold Rachel Uchitel's text messages with cheating actor David Boreanaz to the press, and how did they get them? The leaked missives reveal that Rachel goes by "Puma" on Blackberry Messenger and had an urgently romantic relationship with David, just like she did with Tiger.

  • Puma: I need you here so we can be together.
    David: This is not a good time.
    Puma: I can't do this anymore...Just go. Just [bleeping] go and be with her.
    David: Why do u act like such a [bleeping] child!!!

  • In other news, I really hate print use of the word "bleep." We should come up with something new. [Radar]
  • New boobs and a new beauty endorsement: Life is going well for Kate Hudson. She just landed a lucrative Almay campaign. [P6]
  • Ryan Phillippe is on the prowl. At Victoria's Secret's "What Is Sexy?" party (their PR people deserve raises for coming up with so many permuting presentations of the concept of wanting to have sex) he kissed one supermodel on the hand, and danced with two others. [P6]
  • Defending the Miss USA organization's decision to photograph their contestants in lingerie and turn their website into a virtual brothel, Donald Trump said, "These girls are beautiful... and in almost every case they are highly educated." Almost? Which states are the dumb ones, Donald? [P6]