Britney doesn't want her kids to be famous. A Real Housewife leaves a stroller unattended and two kids nearly die in a swimming pool. Heidi Montag's mom is "mourning the loss of a child." Wednesday gossip has maternal anxieties.

  • Britney Spears would rather hold her sons captive, screaming, in a jail cell than allow them to become fame-ravaged wrecks like her: "If my sons told me they wanted to be in the entertainment business, I'd lock them in their rooms until they turned 30." So that's a "Fuck you, Lynn Spears," right? As for other parental pitfalls, "I'm dreading the moment when my sons ask me how babies are made." These quotes come from Cosmopolitan's "Hot Issue" (I anxiously await the "Frigid Prude Issue"), the cover of which depicts Britney falling out of a timewarp from 1998, in a bustier and low-rise jeans. [Popeater, @britneyspears, image via Bauer-Griffin]
  • Speaking of maternal instincts, Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino was busy "doing something" when a stroller container her two children rolled into the pool at Newport Beach's Balboa Bay Club. This is an event known to kill children. Luckily, a lifeguard fished one kid out, still attached to the stroller, and Alexis' husband dove heroically in to save the other kid. Years from now, each child will discuss in therapy the ramifications of being saved—or not being saved—by his father's hand. [TMZ]
  • Did Portuguese soccer star and noted lothario Cristiano Ronaldo use a surrogate, or did he knock some lady up and take over "exclusive guardianship"? Page Six says its a "surrogate mother," but also talks about the "mystery woman" having the baby as though he had sex with her, not just spooge in a squirty thingee? Cristiano's father died five years ago and apparently the loss sped up his brooding instinct. His mom will help him take care of son, which is I guess what she was doing when he was swimming around the SoHo House this weekend, sending all SoHo strivers present into paroxysms of joy as they realized that an actual celebrity had finally wandered into their members-only club. [P6, GoaG]
  • Last week, we were treated to records of Mel Gibson telling baby mama Oksana Grigorieva—which whom he is currently locked in a custody battle—she looked "like a fucking pig in heat" and would be "raped by a pack of niggers." This week, Oksana's entourage says she's gearing up to release photos of herself with black eyes and broken teeth, allegedly courtesy of Mel. Stomach-churning. [Radar]
  • World Cup party report: After avoiding arrest for drug possession (Thank god buddy Jennifer Rovero was carrying the bud!) Paris Hilton partied with Leonardo DiCaprio. [P6]
  • If the awkward, bitter break-up sputtering of The Bachelor's Jake and Vienna isn't argument enough to abandon dating reality shows forever (I'm inclined to say the turning point was dating show star who murdered a stripper, but Jake and Vienna are pretty awful, too.) The Bachelorette Jillian Harris is divorcing her reality TV-anointed significant other, too. [Us]
  • "Jennifer Aniston's Possible Date Won't Dish" = A headline so boring, I am impressed. Behold this modern marvel of mediocrity, bland and banal as a beige tea towel. [E!]
  • Dina Lohan reacts to Lindsay's jail sentence: "This is so not fair to do this to my child." The Lohans are single-handedly keeping the gossip industry alive. L'chaim and thank you, Lohans. [Popeater]
  • Lady Gaga spent the fourth of July losing money in Atlantic City. The inner guidette emerges. [P6]
  • "I never had a true childhood," says Real Housewives of New York's Bethenny Frankel. That's why she is living her childhood now, a woman-child cavorting in velour jumpsuits on reality television, that great bastion of hope for overcompensating personalities. [People]
  • Heidi Montag's mom says "I'm mourning the loss of a child." As in, Heidi is dead to her. And so the terrible monster of entertainment churns on, rending children from their mothers and destroying families. If only Fairy Godmother Britney Spears had been there to warn Darlene Egelhoff: Hide your daughters, lock up your sons. Hollywood is coming, and endtimes are nigh. [TVWatch]