Oprah and Obama aren't going to Chelsea's wedding—they weren't even invited. Is the location an elaborate ruse? Could Bristol Palin be trying to upstage her? A guide to the most perplexing wedding of the century.

The American public is extremely invested in this wedding. Is it because, in these bleak modern times, we're desperate for an American fairy tale? Chelsea's public persona is the ugly duckling who turned into a swan, and everyone knows the best chick flicks always climax with a makeover scene, and end in a nuptial kiss.

So the rumor-mill chugged and we thought we knew everything about Chelsea's wedding, but it turns out we don't. Here's why:

• Everything you heard about the guest list is untrue. At least, that's what this reporter for Human Events discovered when she called Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Barbra Streisand, and the White House to confirm their rumored RSVP's. None of them had been invited. (Goodwin's assistant asked if the reporter could get Doris on the list, though.) The misinformed guest list came from upstate New York's Hudson Valley News and was repeated in every news outlet this side of the Milky Way. (Including ours!) Definitely true, however, is the rumor that Al Gore is skipping the wedding to get a massage.

• Everything you heard about the location might be a lie. Hudson Valley News also broke the story that Chelsea was marrying in Rhinebeck, NY, and the Associated Press followed suit. But now the Wall Street Journal reports that nobody in Rhinebeck believes it, including the mayor, who has heard nothing about the wedding, and says his sleepy little town's traffic and emergency services aren't ready for an event the size of Chelsea's wedding. "My wife thinks this is a decoy location, and the wedding will be held on Martha's Vineyard," said on Rhinebeck police officer. Martha's Vineyard was the location of the rumored Chelsea Clinton wedding that didn't happen in 2009.

• Bristol vs. Chelsea: Battle of the Political Bridezillas? Bristol Palin will marry Levi Johnston four or five weeks after Chelsea written beau Marc Mezvinsky. This is pure coincidence, but since everyone's already printed their "Dueling Weddings on the Horizon" headlines, maybe we can get some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy going. [Image via Getty]