Welcome to Monday's gossip roundup, in which we gather every horrifying new detail about Speidi's sex tape (blackmail! ultimatums!) and how it inspires Snooki's ex. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt wants to murder BP executives and LiLo's lawyer heads back to court.

  • Apparently the girl-on-girl portion of Heidi Montag's sex tape pales in comparison to her performance with Spencer Pratt, which Vivid Entertainment's chief thinks "could surpass Kim Kardashian's sex tape." You'd think twincestuous Playboy Playmates Karissa and Kristina Shannon would be hotter in action than Spencer, but this is a "lesser of two evils" situation, so it's hard to say. [TMZ, image via Getty]
  • In other Speidi sex tape news, Spencer and Heidi had a "summit" in Costa Rica where he gave her an ultimatum: "Either do another reality show with me or I'm going to release amazing sexual content." Heidi freaked out, and Spencer responded, "You cannot turn off the Speidi machine." End times are nigh. [TMZ via Celebitchy]
  • Final item that requires you to contemplate Spencer Pratt grunting and thrusting: When Snooki's ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella heard about Spencer's coup, he said, "Wish I did that with Snooki. But I'm still learning and wasn't as smart as him." Yes, Spencer Pratt is role model to a generation of aspiring guidos. What horror hath MTV wrought? [TMZ]
  • Brad Pitt makes an appearance in Spike Lee's documentary about the oil spill: "I was never for the death penalty before. I am willing to look at it again." Time for an overblown headline about ecoterrorist Brad Pitt's murderous impulses. [USAToday via HuffPo]
  • Lindsay Lohan's lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley is going to court on Wednesday to free her client from rehab, which she apparently doesn't need. Apparently it's "beyond rare" for a patient to leave rehab this early, but Lindsay Lohan is a very special girl, with million-dollar interviews (Whoo! A million of dollars of blow!) awaiting her on the other side of "free." [Radar]
  • Dear Wyclef Jean, Make up your damn mind about whether or not you're running for the Haitian presidency, because I am sick of writing a new item about this every two hours. (PS: He's running again.) [NYT, Guardian, AP]
  • Kate Winslet's rebound boyfriend is a male model. Here are pictures. [Celebitchy]
  • Is Mariah Carey pregnant or is this just what her body looks like? You'd think after four months of false pregnancy rumors, we'd be able to give it a rest, but no, here is another rumor about a bun in Mariah's oven. [Celebitchy]
  • Michelle Trachtenberg "cozied up" to John Mayer at L.A.'s Soho House. When are celebrities going to wise up to the fact that every single time they do anything at any Soho House in the world, it ends up in Page Six? Her publicist says Michelle was eating dinner with her family and talked to Mayer for five seconds or something. [P6]
  • John Legend got a VIP room lap dance from his swimsuit model girlfriend, but was on his Blackberry the whole time. I am really curious what those text messages said. "Oh nuthin, wut r u doin?" [P6]
  • Chad Ochocino keeps tweeting about his love life, which is pissing VH1 off, because he does a dating show for them. Plus, the lady he's dating is a star of VH1's Basketball Wives, but if she marries him she'll be a football wife. When reality shows collide: Corporate nightmare. [TMZ]
  • Chelsea Clinton is hosting a charity bike ride for Haiti in the Hamptons on Saturday. It's her first "major appearance" since her wedding. [P6]