People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

A report out of the New York Times makes one thing very clear: Big Soda is quietly killing people while funding bad smokescreen science that says the opposite. How long until the people who run Coke are held accountable?

“Critics say Coke has long cast the obesity epidemic as primarily an exercise problem. [...] Now, public health advocates say, Coca-Cola is going a step further, recruiting reputable scientists to make the case for them.”

The Coca-Cola Company would like to celebrate the "good old times" of 1940s Germany with you. Haaretz writes:

A camel that bit, kicked, and smothered an American to death at a wildlife park in Mexico was reportedly upset that it hadn't yet received its daily Coca-Cola.

Will your caramel-colored soda kill you with cancer? It might, if it's one of these brands.

Coca-Cola may be downplaying the fact that it's a Sochi Winter Olympics sponsor, but the mega-corporation doesn't really seem to have a problem with banning the word from its website.

One angry family is swearing off Coca-Cola products for good after finding the words "You Retard" printed underneath the cap of VitaminWater bottle.

The saddest thing is a baby polar bear in Alaska waiting and waiting for his mom to come home, but the mom never comes home because a hunter killed her, for sport. And this will always be the saddest children's story, because now the lonesome motherless bear is condemned to live forever in a zoo, in Buffalo.

But is it the secret recipe? Cliff Kluge of Ringgold, Georgia, believes it is, and has already put it up for sale on eBay.

America's most popular child-rearing consortium, the Coca-Cola corporation, declared today that it is taking a slew of new measures to make sure that you and your children do not turn into a bunch of walking diabetes bombs, courtesy of Coca-Cola products. Seriously, this is the last thing Coca-Cola is going to do for you, okay? Take some fucking responsibility, for chrissake.

When 30-year-old Natasha Harris of Invercargill, New Zealand, died of a heart attack three years ago, her family suspected the cause of death was linked to her extreme fondness for Coca-Cola.

Excessive consumption of Coca-Cola likely contributed to the death of a New Zealand woman who suffered a fatal heart attack two years ago.

The National University in Singapore recently installed an odd Coca-Cola vending machine: instead of money, this machine takes hugs and gives out free Coke.

Coca-Cola has hit back at claims from a consumer watchdog group that the food additive used to give its products their familiar brown color causes cancer.

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let's investigate.

Our long national nightmare of coke cans looking different than usual has ended: Coca Cola has announced that it will scrap this year's white holiday-designed cans, and return to "time-honored red" next week. Why? "Sacrilege."

Diet Coke's unseated Pepsi and is now America's second most popular soda, behind its fat daddy Coca-Cola. Looks like Coke officially wins the Cola Wars. Remember, America: Just because you're drinking diet soda doesn't mean you're not a fat fuck.

This American Life says it's found the original secret recipe for Coca-Cola—weirdly enough, in a 1979 article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Are you one of those Coca-Cola snobs, who will only drink Mexican Coke because it's made with cane sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup? (I am.) You may be the victim of the biggest food cover-up in years!