A first viewing of this Maddox Jolie tattoo, inspired by the pic at left and inked onto the forearm of some guy in Texas, resulted in a queasy feeling that an A-list child abduction was about to go down. However, we quickly realized that this is not a mere ransom note that will need to be lasered off before a kidnapping trial, but a celebration of our society's foremost celebrity refugee and his infectious let-the-good-times-roll, sure-my-mom-is-nuts- but-I-still-like-the-fucking-mohawk-OK? attitude. Soon, this image of young Maddox will supplant the eternally urinating Calvin as the standard icon of rebelliousness on countless mudflaps and window stencils across the country, prompting his mother, equal measures sad at the loss and happy to begin the hunt for a new adoptee on the cutting-edge of cool, to abandon the overexposed toddler in the line at a truck-stop Hardee's.

• Bad news: this year's Fashion Week must go on sans fancy Kohler toilets. The usual crappers have been replaced with mere Porta Potties, which flooded at Kimora Lee Simmons and John Varvatos' shows. Presumably the plastic crappers couldn't withstand the force of mass purging. [Gatecrasher]
• What did Aniston know and when did she know it? The debate rages on as to when Jennifer Aniston was informed of her ex-husband Brad Pitt's procreation with Angelina Jolie; the latest rumor is that she got just one day's notice, via Pitt's publicist. You didn't expect him to tell her without his mouthpiece, did you? [Page Six]
• Of course Catherine Zeta-Jones' gay rugby movie has Alan Cumming attached. It can't exist any other way! [R&M (last item)]
• Good Morning America executive producer Ben Sherwood is rumored to be facing a forced exit, presumably because he couldn't handle being less pretty than Diane Sawyer. [Lowdown]
• Life after losing on the Apprentice involves little more than returning dirty clothes to angry saleswomen. [Page Six]

At this point on a Friday afternoon, we're willing to turn off the bullshit detector for a moment and wallow around in some street-quality British tabloid dirt. Stop, drop, and roll, sickies:

· For the sports fans out there, there's some good shit going on at pigskin-punishing brother Deadspin today, like pictures of Super Bowl-bound Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger drinking like a champion and correspondent AJ Daulerio trying his best to piss off the publicists who are trying to keep him out of parties.
· Ever wonder who's inside the rubber wrinkles of that really annoying Six Flags guy? Wonder no more.
· Brad and Angelina...Sonic Youth fans?
· Oh come on, Mr. Judgmental, like you've never tried to nail a Canadian tranny before!
· And while you're at it, try and tell us that you don't experiment with meth when you're bored.

According to the AP, Liu, "didn't speak to the media as she visited the disaster zone with UNICEF, the U.N. children's agency." Maybe because she's ashamed that she's like totally biting Brad and Angelina's relief trip from three months ago? What's next, Miss Last Season's Disaster, a trip to Davos for the World Economic Forum? Well, bad news, Charlie's tardy angel—unless you have a time machine, you're too late. It's already over. Better luck next time.

• Wow, Angelina Jolie is getting really fat. [Gossip or Truth]
• In retaliation, Jennifer Aniston moves in with Vince Vaughn — because co-habitating with a bloated alchy is the best revenge. [MSN]
• Naughty PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets engaged to Chris Stern; if they're truly in love, that makes the fact that she "stole" him from a former employee totally jusitifed. [NYP]
• If West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin weren't so damn rich, we'd feel badly about his show getting cancelled and his hooker habit. [R&M]
• Supermodel Naomi Campbell is approximately two weeks away from beating the Prince of Dubai with a phone. [Page Six]
• Pity the fool who dares to criticize Howard Stern, lest said fool is comfortable with death threats from Beetlejuice. [Lowdown]
• Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe show no love for the paparazzi, which practically guarantees that some photog will soon run over one of their children. [OAN]

Hollywood's favorite concerned citizen of the world, Angelina Jolie, and life-partner-of-the-moment Brad Pitt (current t-shirt: "I'm With Hollywood's Favorite Concerned Citizen Of The World," featuring an arrow he struggles to keep pointed Jolie-ward at all times) have jetted off to Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum. The International Herald Tribune is blogging the event at Delving Into Davos, where it's seemingly impossible to ignore the couple's comings and goings.

· We never would've guessed that Pink would be the voice of reason about "stupid girls" like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
· Chris Penn gets a tribute at Sundance.
· Mark down the date in your calendars: Feb. 24th could be the day that society as we know it collapses.
· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are totally BFF with Kofi.
· See, we told you our job is easy. So easy, in fact, that poorly written TV characters can do it.
· The Gilded Moose embarks on a dangerous adventure: liveblogging his pursuit of the agent who won't call him back.

The celebrity press frequently misreports Angelina Jolie's stomach tattoo as reading Quod me nutrit me destruit, Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me." Through the magic of Defamer photo-enhancement technology, we can now reveal the actual text of the ink (shown above), representing Angelina Jolie's latest attempt to completely crush Jennifer Aniston. Jolie is also planning another visit to her tattoo artist, who will etch, "And if it's a boy, we're still calling it Jen, bitch!" on the other side of her belly.

The Interpreter star Nicole Kidman will be returning to the film's United Nations location, this time as their latest goodwill ambassador:

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to get married. They also have no desire to get married. Star magazine will report both as fact. [R&M]
• Worried that they too might get bitch-slapped, St. Martin's Press is adding a big fat warning sticker on memoirist Augusten Burrough's just-released galleys. The Smoking Gun boys call this the "James Frey Effect," but we consider it Angry Oprah Prevention. [Page Six]
• Ashley Judd likes to hoard her swag in private, as if we won't know she's a freebie whore. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Kidman is named UN Goodwill Ambassador. She and Angelina Jolie are totally going to be BFF now. [IOL]
• Entourage star Adrien Grenier will tie you up and touch you only with a "couples vibrating ring." Sounds hot. [Page Six]

The tabloid tug of war over the first Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt biological offspring has begun in earnest, with Life & Style and US Weekly each interpreting their purloined sonograms in their own special way. According to mediawhore sister Gawker, L&S is going vagina, while Us cries penis. Each outlet undoubtedly has impeccable sources close to the couple, so we're forced to conclude that they're both right, in their own way. Never in the history of human evolution have two more physically flawless specimens joined to create new life, so we expect that the little bundle of joy growing in Jolie's womb is merely unable to choose between feminine and masculine perfection at the moment, and won't pick a gender until his/her mother's final contraction forces a split-second, instinctual decision. We recommend that all well-wishers refrain from choosing between pink or blue gifts for the time being, as showing up with the "wrong" color could emotionally damage the infant by making it second-guess its choice.

Only because we feel obligated to keep you abreast the important matters of national conversation, we'll relay the following: According to today's spanking-new issue of Life & Style, the inevitably sexy lovechild of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be a girl. The information was accidentally revealed by Pitt's younger sister, who is now dead to them all.

· We thought that there was no new territory to mine in Brokeback Mountain parodies, but Brokeback Squadron, the unforgettable tale of a couple of hotshot pilots' forbidden love, can be our wingman any time.
· The Blowing Smoke blog gets an advance look at The CW's Fall schedule.
· The very brave Brooke Shields risks Tom Cruise's renewed wrath by preparing to bring yet another child into the world.
· Meanwhile in other baby-related news, Meg "America's Sweetheart, Before All The Chilling Plastic Surgery" Ryan gets it all wrong by adopting a Chinese baby. You're supposed to go Cambodian, Meg. Have you learned nothing from Angelina?
· Meanwhile In other Angelina Jolie-related news, Film Stew says Jolie extorted People into giving money to charity in exchange for bump pics.
· ABC's Steve McPherson has the hots for John Stamos, but might lose him to NBC's Kevin Reilly.

• While Brad Pitt's adoption of Angelina Jolie's two stolen children is not yet official, a judge today has approved the changing of the kids' legal names to Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. As if these two urchins didn't face a tragic enough future as is. [Us Weekly]
• If you paid attention in Philosophy 101, you'd know that all men who wear Axe Body Spray also read Maxim. Actually, you'd probably know that whether you took philosophy or not. [Gongli]
• Personally, our "media diet" consists of Taco Bell, peanuts, and a glass of Charles Shaw. [Romenesko]
• Woody Allen is purchasing a $25.9 million townhouse on East 70th Street. A favorable review from the Times will do that for you. [The Real Estate]
• Delicious Discounts hooks you up with discounted delivery from over a thousand Manhattan restaurants — at least two of which have received a favorable score for health and cleanliness! [Consumerist]

Because we all live and die on incremental updates about the progress of legal proceedings regarding Brad Pitt's integration into the lives of Angelina Jolie's adoptive children, we are delighted to note that Us Weekly reports that Pitt's petition to officially hyphenate the adorable, multiculti tykes has been granted. The Santa Monica courts give you Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, ending over a month of crippling anxiety, heightened by recent biological complications, that the heartless judicial system might callously deny the request on grounds that the names are unfashionably unwieldy. With this procedural matter out of the way, we can now safely return to more pressing concerns, like in-utero investigations into the inevitable attractiveness of the couple's forthcoming, "real" child.

• Judging from her Golden Globes appearance, actress Hilary Swank is not taking her impending divorce from Chad Lowe all that well. [Go Fug Yourself]
• Before you sacrifice your soul and take that i-banking job, know your banks and the types of assholes they employ. [Brooklyn to Harlem • Jared Leto takes his craft so damn seriously, he'll eat 2847145 Twinkies if need be. [Popsugar]
• Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sonogram made its way to eBay; the site has since removed the auction seeing as, well, even we think that shit is mildly sick. [CourtTV]
• Bucky Turco of Animal has managed to find himself in our local tabloids oh, like, 600 times now. But if they can't spell your name right, it just doesn't count. [NYDN]
• Admit it: You're totally staying in tonight to watch Skating With Celebrities. It's like Dancing With the Stars meets The Cutting Edge, and you dare to pretend that this doesn't matter? Uh, TOEPICK, bitches! [Slate]

• How'd People land the preggers-Angelina scoop? By donating something like $400K to one of the actress's favorite charities. "It is not a pay for access deal," says the mag's new chief. No, not at all. [NYP]
• Brandon Holley's Jane is kicking ass on the newsstand, it turns out. [WWD (second item)]
• Regret The Error's Craig Silverman is nitpicking because he cares. Yeah, us too. [Media Orchard]
• Thought Radar was short-lived? Behold Game Industry Report, which lasted for one day. [Folio:]
• It's not just Abramoff: Turns out the mag biz pay several firms about $500K each year to lobby lawmakers. [Folio:]
• With three jobs instead of his one old one, Ted Koppel really promises he'll be working less now. [WP]
• And Nightline vet Dave Marash signs on as Washington anchor for soon-to-launch Al Jazeera International, presumably only after Koppel decided three "retirement" gigs were enough. [Media Mob/NYO]

Lost in the excitement of yesterday afternoon's news that the flesh-and-blood union of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's exquisite genetics has a pretty good shot at aesthetic perfection was Jennifer Aniston's reaction to the news that her ex-husband had knocked up the woman who stole her husband with the promise of a welcoming womb. Aniston's flack labeled an earlier report that Pitt called to give her the heads-up about the baby "made-up lies," and the headline above makes us believe that there was a total breakdown in Aniston's emergency Jolie pregnancy warning system. The complex relay of pager alerts, e-mail blasts, and air-raid sirens intended to give the starlet enough lead time to stage a showy public display of affection with current publicity partner Vince Vaughn malfunctioned, denying her the chance to seem too lustfully consumed with her romance to bother to have a nervous breakdown about the surpisingly rapid impregnation of her rival.

Making love? Having sex? Copulating? Fornicating? Monkey-fisting? Humping? Banging? Porking? Fucking? Fellating? Carpet-munching? Salad-tossing? Drilling? Boning? Beaver-shredding? Baloney-boxing? Meat-cuddling? Bonking? Muff-diving? Rimming? Baking cookies?