This one sort of goes without comment. "Are you a gay actor looking for a beard? Then look no further. This B/C list actress from at least two very hit television shows is willing to be your beard for a price. Apparently this actress has been approaching actors at parties who the public perceives as gay or are on the fence about and is willing to be their girlfriend for a price. The thing is it gets even better. She is offering more than just the services of a single woman in her 30's to act as a girlfriend. See, our actress is married and her celebrity husband is completely on board with the plan. Their idea is that any guy who can break up a marriage or at least appear to break up a marriage must be straight, at least in the eyes of the public. Meanwhile, the gay actor can enjoy fun times with our actress' husband who happens to like playing on both sides of the fence. This just has win/win written all over it doesn't it." [Crazy Days and Nights] A few more items after the jump.

Sometimes the blind items from the UK's Daily Mirror are a bit indecipherable. What with their crazy slang and "football" celebrities I know aren't Tom Brady. So it's nice to see an item where they're as explicit as possible that it's someone I've heard of. He's an American! OK! Of course the rest of it doesn't really make sense. What sort of "top job"? Is he a business man? A porn actor? A banker? You tell me: "Which hunk of beef was sacked from a top job because he kept running off to have sex with random women when he was supposed to perform? The bad-boy American was unstoppable..." [Mirror] Two more, perhaps as befuddling, items after the jump.

A typical cocktail of drugs and prurient sexual behavior this morning. Some of it's hippy dippy and pleasant and family-oriented. Some of it is Sapphic and strange. Why are there never blind items that aren't about drugs or sex? Can't we get a good old fashioned accidental murder? Judging from James Ellroy novels, that used to happen a lot back in 1950's LA. Let's make that happen again. It was so dark and smoky and sultry. Now it's just some old dude smoking pot with a kid or yet another promising actor tweeking at some sun-baked Los Angeles event. Sigh. Well, here we go anyway. "Which A-lister toked up with his younger co-star during filming of their megablockbuster? The duo, along with the youngster's dad, smoked pot in the star's trailer, causing the crew to create a code name for when they were stoned." [Rush & Molloy] Three more items, including one long one, after the jump.

Remember that Alanis Morissette song "You Oughta Know," where she asks her ex: "are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" Well one rock and/or roller is indeed doing just that, and making sure his soon-to-be ex-wife knows it. By calling her while mid coitus with another lady. Ew. The item is from Crazy Days and Nights: "This rock star's divorce has been so acrimonious (nice word huh?) and he hates his C list ex so much that he loves calling her up and talking to her or leaving messages while he has having sex with whatever woman he happens to be with him at that time." A few more jagged little pills for you after the jump.

As the dust settles and the smoke clears after April Fools day, and we begin to piece our lives back together, it's hard to trust anyone or anything. Grandma wasn't really dead? You didn't actually get fired, so there was really no need to stab that maintenance man? What's real in this world? What's up and what's down? Well it may be cold comfort, but I can assure you of this: celebrities still love to take drugs and have sex with each other, and hissy gossip people like to write blind items about it. So find whatever solace you can in that and cancel that hearse. She's not dead, really. Yet. Now, listen to what Ben Widdicombe has to say to you: "Which lead actor in a hit ensemble TV show brags that a female conquest isn't complete unless at least one of his hotel room neighbors calls security about the noise?" [NYDN] Two more after the jump.

Stars indeed are just like us. We all exploit ugly people for drugs and stuff, we all freak out over our '90s TV "megastar" lovers, and we all have fanciful affairs with foreign billionaires. Except, you know, stars actually do those things rather than just fantasize about them in an "ironic" way while washing the dishes. I mean, except for the ugly people thing. That definitely does happen. Completely unironically. Hey, let's figure out which star is exactly like you: "Which celebrity uses her ugly friends to get off her face on cocaine and then, when she's high enough, ditches them for her pretty pals?" [Mirror] Two more slightly less real items after the jump.

We all know how the old saying goes: March comes in like a lion and goes out like a poorly-endowed rapper or lesbian porn star or threesome having pop star. This particular March is not disappointing. We have three mystery people on this last morning of the month who fit perfectly into those categories. Oddly, our guess for all three is Foxy Brown. The first item up for bidding: "Which hip-hop mogul likes to practice nude yoga in a Chelsea gym steam room? His 'pathetic' manhood has driven more than a few onlookers into fits of laughter." [NYDN] The porn star and the threesomer are after the jump.

Two crazy stories about crazy ladies who try to get what the want.

Two Crazy Days and Nights blind items this afternoon, both about sad old B list actors who snort and smoke drugs and sweat and threaten to ruin what's left of their careers. Sigh. The first one is a "comic B list actor with a very famous marriage and divorce was so coked out at a party over the weekend that he never stayed in one spot longer than 30 seconds. By the end of the night he was drenched in sweat and had gone through his entire stash." Tim Allen? Second druggie story after the jump.

This lovely spring morning we bring you nice refreshing tales of a washed-up singer trying to claw her way back into the precious limelight and of a lonely television producer who, in a twist befitting O. Henry, hires a young lady, for her special services, whom he's already hired for a reality show. The sad chanteuse is first, from the Mirror: "Which faded pop star is so desperate to resurrect her career, she is shamelessly touting her CV to James Bond producers and Hollywood bigwigs?" Reality TV scandal after the jump.

This morning we have one of Ted Casablanca's long-ish items that we missed yesterday. It's about "Inpenna Never-Trated," one half of the "oh-so-famous young couple [that] parted ways not that long ago, he and she both of multi-talented varieties, over her fairly indiscreet dalliances." The lady is the tramp! The entire item, plus an awkward British "whisper," after the jump.

As befitting this scattershot, post-holiday morning, two random and possibly unknowable blind items today. One about a famous DJ who could possibly only be famous in England: "Which garrulous DJ had an embarrassing amorous encounter? The object of his affection managed to get her chewing gum stuck in a rather awkward place." Casey Kasem? After the jump, the tale of a lonely, lecherous... dermatologist.

Today a shocking yet mysterious truth is hinted at: a politician, who is male, has been abusing the power of his office in order to receive sexual favors from women. While we can rest assured, for now, that he is foreign, there is no way to guarantee that this troubling phenomenon will not someday reach our shores. For now, let the following NY Post item serve as a grim warning: "Which married foreign head of state makes Bill Clinton look like a Boy Scout? When women are granted audiences with the man, they find him at his desk with his fly open or, sometimes, with his pants already down." After the jump, find two more stories of shocking, and previously unseen depravity: a socialite with a drug habit, and a Hollywood actress abusing staff. Has the world gone mad?

More of your usual drunks and possible queers this morning, much like a college theatre department. The first item is from the Mirror: "Which celebrity is dating a gorgeous female celeb AND a handsome bloke at the same time? He's desperate to keep up the pretence of being straight. " Hmm. He'll be all the way gay by the end of sophomore year. The drunk is after the jump.

A fellow of ill repute has been prowling the night, pressuring the fairer sex to promenade with him. Who could this scurrilous rake be, depicted as so in the pages of that ragged New York Post pape: "Which creepy flack has a reputation for being overly aggressive with women? He was recently booted from a nightclub for manhandling a young lady and pulling her hair." This here reporter would say President Taft. Though, his portly nature would make his escape like turning bathwater into sarsaparilla juice. Which is to say, too very impossible. Three more juicy items, all as fascinating as the mysterious floating zeppelin ship, after the jump.

Another round of blind items today. The first is about an unnamed young woman from The Hills reality program who is pregnant. Hmm. "Now if we could just figure out the daddy," says Crazy Days and Nights. One more from them after the jump, plus a particularly shameful item about some drunken womanizer.

Blind items are fun, especially when they accuse someone of statutory rape! Ben Widdicombe hisses today that he's gotten wind of the rumor that some older TV actor is running around screwing teenagers. Whee! Speculation! Send Chris Hansen to his house! "Which middle-age Lothario famous for playing a small-screen love interest has been using his renewed fame to land very young women? One recent hookup was all of 16 years old." [NYDN] Another item, this one about filthy lesbians awaits your prurient mind after the jump.

Apparently some fey little girly man likes to be skinny and do drugs at fancy night clubs and evidently has some sort of singing career. Who could it be? "Which skinny-again chart topper has been making multiple bathroom visits with his male friend during late nights at hot spots like Hyde? Apparently it's not just the girls who like diet coke." [P6] Another item, this one about a man in the entertainment industry who is, mind bogglingly, cheating on his wife.

A story of hubris and dejection this morning, from dear old Ben Widdicombe: "Which mournful solo artist is obsessed with his own level of fame? After convincing himself on a recent flight to Australia that he would be mobbed in the streets, the scrawny singer was nonplussed that most Aussies didn't recognize him." [Gatecrasher] Excerpts from another item, one of Ted Casablanca's complex mystery narratives, lie after the jump.

Liz Smith writes in the Post today that a TV person she recently spoke to complained that "There's nothing going on in celebrity land. There's no news, no gossip, no scandal. The Oscars showed how dull things are. People are only interested in politics." Yes. There's been a mighty sea change and finally Americans are taking an active interest in government and nothing else. Ninth grade civics teachers everywhere are rejoicing. After all, there's only one blind item today (after the jump.) At least it's about gayyyy people.