Stylists are so lucky! They don't actually have jobs, yet they make lots and lots of money and get to hang with celebrities and sometimes have lesbionic relations with them. For example, Gatecrasher hints today: "Which gorgeous Latina actress is said to have a Sapphic relationship with her hair stylist?" Could it be Salma Hayek? Eva Mendes? The lady from My Name Is Earl? Perhaps. All good possibilities. But really, I think, there is only one clear answer to this riddle. And it lies after the jump.

Remember when you were younger (like nineteen or twenty) and, out of sheer last minute desperation, you would give your parents, as gifts, a set of little cards that said things like "Good for one dog walk" or "Will play chess with you once, dad"? Well, it seems some TV actor is as broke and unimaginative as a 10 year old on Christmas Eve: "Apparently during the WGA strike this B/C list actor on a very hit show for women must have read too many self help books. He decided that what the cast and crew needed each day was recognition and encouragement. So, to reward good deeds and good behavior, our actor started handing out $5 Starbucks gift cards to each guy on the set who does something good, and to the women he hands out certificates for a 20 minute massage. Oh, not from a professional masseuse. Oh no. They are all from our actor. And the certificates? Hand drawn." [Crazy Days and Nights] So sad. Two more blind items after the jump.

Look, it is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to walk around fried all day. So why do the rich and famous do it? Every day I'm reading about this and that with the smoking the drugs and the snorting the drugs. Is it because they can afford it? Are they bored? Why don't they just go take a walk? I tell you, when I become rich and famous (it's inevitable), all I'm going to get addicted to is fancy pajamas and Goldfish crackers. And booze. Hey, here's a druggy blind item right here, from Gatecrasher: "Which celebrity stylist, who should know better, has been blabbing in L.A. that a particular designer has tumbled off the wagon - again?" Two more items after the jump.

Happy Patriot's Day! Oh, wait, we're not in Boston? So you mean we can't start drinking now and go stand outside and watch the marathon runners zip by, happy that it's spring and that the wintry gray city finally looks bright again? Oh, that's too bad. I guess I'll just have to stumble along instead, chasing the answers to these blind items around and around, forever and ever. Much like Charlie on the MBTA. First up, we have a story from Jo Piazza about your favorite low-ceilinged smoke hut, the Beatrice Inn: "Which starlet left a black lace thong draped over the back of the toilet seat at the Beatrice Inn last week for the next patron to find, then went commando for the rest of the night?" Five more (!) items after the jump. Those of you who are in Boston on this wonderful day (especially those of you who may go to a certain Jesuit university along Commonwealth Avenue): you really should not be reading this. Go outside! Get drunk first. But then, go outside!

Yesterday was gorgeous in New York. It was warm and sunny and trees were flowering. People strolled around, hand in hand. Moods seemed lifted. And today is supposed to be about the same! I feel so rejuvenated, like the world is a special place again. But... oh. Wait. Look. The same old grimy, desperate showbiz creatures are still doing their dance macabre. Just like they do every day. Maybe the world hasn't changed after all. Maybe it's just gotten a new coat of paint. Sigh. First up, from Gatecrasher: "Which actress on a canceled show was 'doing her body weight' in cocaine at a beachy magazine shoot over the weekend?" Blargh. Two more items after the jump, plus a snippet of Ted Casablanca's latest Dadaist celebrity tone poem.

My parents are coming to visit this weekend, so I'm spending the next two days feverishly cleaning my apartment, trying to erase the sad stains of my existence. To that end, I'm going to clean up this post as best I can. After the jump there's a filthy blind item about TV star sex, but I'm not putting that out there for all to see! Instead, a simple story of a mean stylist lady and a poor overweight actress: "Which celebrity stylist has been banned by Louis Vuitton because its stuff has a habit of not coming back from her shoots? She also had that full-figured star of a hit TV comedy leave the set in tears after telling her, 'Ugh, I can't believe you don't fit into that!'" [Gatecrasher] Click through for two more, including that dirty one. But not if you're my parents!

God, Ben Widdicombe—could you be any more obvious in that "blind item" in today's Daily News? Um: "Which inexplicable media star (blame www.Gawker.com for that) likes to boast that she let a certain handsome men's magazine editor, who is also much in the gossip columns, get to third base during a dinner at [downtown eatery] Balthazar?"

Yesterday was tax day! You know what's not fun? Owing money. Which I did. You know what is fun? A blind item about a Hollywood movie star with a secret foreign wife. The guy at Crazy Days and Nights ran a long item yesterday that he got from his accountant. Not exactly sure what kind of breach of ethics that implies, but meh. Some actor has some foreign wife who he keeps for tax reasons (and also to protect him from girlfriends wanting to wed) and that's sort of funny and weird. Find the full item, plus something from the Brits, after the jump.

Why be mens so horny for? Today's blind items reinforce the notion that men, especially those who have suckled from the elusive teat of showbiz, are all about groping ladies and sexing them under false pretenses. It's a tale as old as time, I know, but nowadays, what with the internet and all, we have to read about it. And it's annoying. First up, from Gatecrasher: "Which now-washed up '90s TV star is exasperating his agent by putting all his sexual conquests in touch with the ten-percenter? He talks girls into bed by promising the agent will meet with them." A couple more dirty men, plus some items I missed during my brief absence, after the jump.

Oh Ellen Page. First you send your "power lesbian" publicist into a tizzy defending your heterosexual honor, then you make a fool out of poor Jay Leno in his own house of belly laughs. Have you really moved on to shun the potty-mouthed legend that is Jane Fonda? One stripper-scripted indie hit on your resume does not entitle you to divadom quite yet. In a scathing NY Daily News blind item today, a "rising young actress" is reported to have brushed off Fonda's desire to meet her at a party with a curse-laden remark, and as our detective skills suggest after the jump, all signs point to Page as the catty star in question.

This one sort of goes without comment. "Are you a gay actor looking for a beard? Then look no further. This B/C list actress from at least two very hit television shows is willing to be your beard for a price. Apparently this actress has been approaching actors at parties who the public perceives as gay or are on the fence about and is willing to be their girlfriend for a price. The thing is it gets even better. She is offering more than just the services of a single woman in her 30's to act as a girlfriend. See, our actress is married and her celebrity husband is completely on board with the plan. Their idea is that any guy who can break up a marriage or at least appear to break up a marriage must be straight, at least in the eyes of the public. Meanwhile, the gay actor can enjoy fun times with our actress' husband who happens to like playing on both sides of the fence. This just has win/win written all over it doesn't it." [Crazy Days and Nights] A few more items after the jump.

Sometimes the blind items from the UK's Daily Mirror are a bit indecipherable. What with their crazy slang and "football" celebrities I know aren't Tom Brady. So it's nice to see an item where they're as explicit as possible that it's someone I've heard of. He's an American! OK! Of course the rest of it doesn't really make sense. What sort of "top job"? Is he a business man? A porn actor? A banker? You tell me: "Which hunk of beef was sacked from a top job because he kept running off to have sex with random women when he was supposed to perform? The bad-boy American was unstoppable..." [Mirror] Two more, perhaps as befuddling, items after the jump.

A typical cocktail of drugs and prurient sexual behavior this morning. Some of it's hippy dippy and pleasant and family-oriented. Some of it is Sapphic and strange. Why are there never blind items that aren't about drugs or sex? Can't we get a good old fashioned accidental murder? Judging from James Ellroy novels, that used to happen a lot back in 1950's LA. Let's make that happen again. It was so dark and smoky and sultry. Now it's just some old dude smoking pot with a kid or yet another promising actor tweeking at some sun-baked Los Angeles event. Sigh. Well, here we go anyway. "Which A-lister toked up with his younger co-star during filming of their megablockbuster? The duo, along with the youngster's dad, smoked pot in the star's trailer, causing the crew to create a code name for when they were stoned." [Rush & Molloy] Three more items, including one long one, after the jump.

Sometimes these are just too easy! A lone blind item today, from Ben Widdicombe. The answer is painfully obvious. What's even more painful is that it's painfully obvious. Because really, I shouldn't know who are being talking about. But, sigh, I do. Here, feel like a loser with me: "Which Disney youth act's gay stylist had the suits in a dither because he insisted on dressing the boys in the tightest possible clothes? The execs had to back down when the 'beyond metrosexual' look was a smash with their target 'tween audience." The obvious answer after the jump.

Remember that Alanis Morissette song "You Oughta Know," where she asks her ex: "are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" Well one rock and/or roller is indeed doing just that, and making sure his soon-to-be ex-wife knows it. By calling her while mid coitus with another lady. Ew. The item is from Crazy Days and Nights: "This rock star's divorce has been so acrimonious (nice word huh?) and he hates his C list ex so much that he loves calling her up and talking to her or leaving messages while he has having sex with whatever woman he happens to be with him at that time." A few more jagged little pills for you after the jump.

Because everyone likes Jeopardy and its Canadian host Alex Trebek (with his greasy hair and his dago mustache), we're going to run a blind item with the answer first. Obviously this is not a definitive answer, it's just a guess. But here you can read our theory, then see see the item after the jump. OK, here goes: Who is... Katie Couric. What the hell we are talking about, after the jump.

As the dust settles and the smoke clears after April Fools day, and we begin to piece our lives back together, it's hard to trust anyone or anything. Grandma wasn't really dead? You didn't actually get fired, so there was really no need to stab that maintenance man? What's real in this world? What's up and what's down? Well it may be cold comfort, but I can assure you of this: celebrities still love to take drugs and have sex with each other, and hissy gossip people like to write blind items about it. So find whatever solace you can in that and cancel that hearse. She's not dead, really. Yet. Now, listen to what Ben Widdicombe has to say to you: "Which lead actor in a hit ensemble TV show brags that a female conquest isn't complete unless at least one of his hotel room neighbors calls security about the noise?" [NYDN] Two more after the jump.

Stars indeed are just like us. We all exploit ugly people for drugs and stuff, we all freak out over our '90s TV "megastar" lovers, and we all have fanciful affairs with foreign billionaires. Except, you know, stars actually do those things rather than just fantasize about them in an "ironic" way while washing the dishes. I mean, except for the ugly people thing. That definitely does happen. Completely unironically. Hey, let's figure out which star is exactly like you: "Which celebrity uses her ugly friends to get off her face on cocaine and then, when she's high enough, ditches them for her pretty pals?" [Mirror] Two more slightly less real items after the jump.

We all know how the old saying goes: March comes in like a lion and goes out like a poorly-endowed rapper or lesbian porn star or threesome having pop star. This particular March is not disappointing. We have three mystery people on this last morning of the month who fit perfectly into those categories. Oddly, our guess for all three is Foxy Brown. The first item up for bidding: "Which hip-hop mogul likes to practice nude yoga in a Chelsea gym steam room? His 'pathetic' manhood has driven more than a few onlookers into fits of laughter." [NYDN] The porn star and the threesomer are after the jump.

Two crazy stories about crazy ladies who try to get what the want.